Saturday, February 2, 2013

I'm Comin For You!

I was looking through and going through a cabinet where I had all kinds of papers and documents stowed away in that just needed to be gone through. And wow! Sometimes you have just forgotten something that cut you to the core, and from years ago, that you just had a renewed fresh look at. My complaints against a local hospital was just that, and the responses, and all the processes I had gone through to try to get the help I needed with it. And I gotta tell you, with that fresh look, I found just how bad my own rights had been violated in many different ways regarding these matters, not only did I see where facts were not straight nor reported to be accurate as the events were reported and documented, in fact, each letter I have reports the past reports differently and inaccurate, you know what, I'm hereby tired of their games, I am in a place now where I can put my knowledge and experience and autority before those that did NOTHING to help me nor fix the situation. And I am going to do exactly that! I read back over these things and I'm floored, I'm just simply floored at what this hospital has been able to get away with, and for how long. I am very well capable of showing the proof I have, with the back ups of other physicians/hospitals, and I think I'm at a point where I'm going to do that. This facility refuses to work with the community, refuses to admit when they are wrong, refuses to take steps and measures to change their proceedures and overall has a "God" like complex about themselves that is disgusting and wrong. I'm fixin to change that, or run them the hell out of Augusta County. You just don't get beat up 3 times and Sexually Assaulted once in their facility and they not sooner or later have to accept personal responsibility for what they have done, I could have been satisfied with a sincere apology, which they've never done, or change of policy and procedures, which they've never done, or some sign or effort to make sure this doesn't happen again, however they have not done any of those above, they have had 6 years to do so. They better watch out, cause here I come, they will hear me now!

Friday, January 25, 2013

Cardinal In The Snow

Cardinal In The Snow

Mystery surrounds us,
Excitement draws the night,
Pure adrenaline pushed through veins,
That came with concert lights.

Mad dashes to their seats,
Stage encased the floor,
The lights go out as camera's flash,
With the music came the roar.

Mesmerized by lights,
Desires to draw near,
Evil existed in the night,
The lyrics she couldn't hear.

In her Cardinal house,
Put on a different show,
Evil came and took her,
And placed her in the snow.

In her Cardinal house,
A pain she'd never know,
Came bearing down on all she knew,
As she lay beneath the snow.

Hindered by the noise,
She'd slip into his song,
Rehearsed by him as he watched,
Her incapacity come along.

People danced and sang,
To every song that played,
As evil stalked her every move,
A beast upon its prey.

The Cardinal is our bird,
Our bird, she has a song,
As sure as snow its cold dead self,
We'll right this evils wrong.

In our Cardinal house,
You will hear us sing!
The target is on you now,
Pure hell to you we bring!

In your Cardinal house,
There is a different show,
Justice comes and takes you,
To face that Cardinal snow.

In your Cardinal house,
You become the prey,
Amongst the music in your fate,
Judgement comes your way.

Her song rose from the ground,
It's a song you very well know,
You know because you put her there,
Our Cardinal in the snow.

written by: HNC..1/25/2013

Monday, January 7, 2013


Well, there is still alot of recouperating to be done from the holidays, finances always gets us this time of year, ugh! I truly despise, finances.

Anywho, that said. Alot happened yesterday. Not so good stuff...I was made to feel so bad about myself that I came home, chopped off more hair, now I look like I did when I met my husband and just before all that I had filled a trash bag as I emptied out my dresser, because I cried all the way home from fishing. I don't know what was worse, being looked at in disgust, or him not showing me any affection in the public, or when he walked off and sat in the truck and just left me standing there.

I got attached to fishing because it is the ONLY time I can have with my husband, he literally works so much that the only quality time I get with him is either fishing, or in the bedroom...and so for him to be that way to me, hurt soo very bad. He didn't exactly like the new hair cut I just got, had been mean to me all yesterday morning, and he just is always making me feel self conscious. He said very mean things and seemed like he was more there for the fish than just spending time with me, I did call him ugly, but in my defense, I was only trying to knock him down a notch or two from being so mean to me. He took it to heart.
But when I stood there in tears, praying for a fish in hopes that if just one would bite then he would want to stay there with me, I would have a chance to make him want to spend more time there with me. It didn't go that way, instead, no fish bit and I reeled his line in, went to the truck and sat there. I selfish for him to do that, my heart was broken. The more I looked at him, the more angry I got. And was very very hurt. I reeled in my line, took all the bait off, I think when I get that mad, that hyperfocused, everything around me just disappears. Just gone, there might have been about 6-7 other guys there fishing, but I mean, they were just gone. I know I picked up my pole, grabbed my fishing bag, left all his fishing box and net and whatever was laying there, was left there. I went to the truck, threw my pole on the back which bounced very hard across the back of it...opened the door, sat down, slammed the door. He went to say something, and well...I don't even remember, I was so mad I dont remember, but I know I yelled that he was so damn selfish..I shut the seatbelt in the door, so I opened it to release it, slammed the door again, when I did, he said something like, don't, or be careful, cause I slammed it hard enough for his gun to slide down, and I told him don't you say a word to me, don't you so much as speak to me, pointing my finger in his face, I was making myself very clear to him, he said stop putting your finger in my face and gritted his teeth, thrusted himself forward at me threatening me, I could see him going to ball his fist up to hit me, and I said, do it. You wanna hit me so bad you just do it, not a damn thing stopping you, go ahead hit me, right now,  you hit me, and you will wish you didn't! He said is that my stuff sitting there, I said yes it is, you want it you go get it your damn self! So he did. I couldn't even look at him, I didn't want to look at him, he went gathered it all up, I was shaking, crying and just done. He got back in the truck, never said a word...I just stared out the side window, all I could think about, was just get me home, let me get my things, let me get away from him.
He didn't speed, he didn't speak, he wasn't wreckless..we got home. I got out of the truck, I went in the house...I grabbed trash bags, I began filling them. Emptied out my dresser, went through my shoes, he still said nothing, other than to come in the bedroom and ask what was I doing, and I said I'm leaving, I don't want to hear a thing, Ive got nothing to say to you, not one thing. I'm tired of the abuse, I never should have to feel as bad about myself as I did earlier, I didn't marry you to have to feel this way. He asked where I was going, I said I will figure that out when I get there. I looked at my daughter and son, and asked if they were going or staying, they were well old enough to make that choice for themselves. My son opted to stay with his dad, clearly his choice, I was not forcing him to go, nor forcing him to stay. My daughter got more aggravated with the hastiness of the same question, thought I was over reacting, thought something was really wrong with me, argued with me even...making matters so much worse. Normally she is the one wanting me to leave her this really took me by surprise the way she acted..her dad just sat back and said nothing..was even trying to call me..babe..and hun...I told him don't call me that. For the first time EVER, he was not getting in my way as I went to stick to my decision to leave. I was quite adamant to leave, most certainly! I was trying to unhook the computer and Im trying to get all these wires and cords and things unhooked, so I'm a bit involved in all that trying to figure out what is what, as there are like 3 levels to work with, so I had to kind of focus, still yet determined to leave, in all my pissedoffness..and they kept asking, like over and over how are you gonna get that to the car, and I'm all like, well I'm gonna carry the damn thing, and Ryan is like, you can't..and I'm like, why?? So, I'm like I know for sure I'm capable of carrying a computer to the car, its not that complicated son! So Kourtney comes around the corner, what are you doing Mom? I'm like I'm taking the computer, (breaking down in tears again) I said, it's MINE it was a GIFT to me! As I have to keep standing up to see this cord, and dart back down beneath the desk for other cords, this was quite the task! So then, she is like, you can't take the computer, and Im like why the hell not? She said, how you gonna get it to the car?? I said, what is it with you guys?? !! I know how to carry a computer to my car!! So Thomas, comes around the corner, what are you doing? I said, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I'M TAKING MY COMPUTER TO THE CAR!! He said how you gonna get it there? UGH!! I said, Kourtney, will you please explain to your father how I am gonna get the computer to the car? She turns around and looks at him and said..she thinks she can carry it to the car Dad...Dad, she didn't take her meds this morning did she?
At that point I do believe I broke. Because, I'm not even entitled to be angry without someone thinking I didn't take my medicine, I'm not entitled to feel like I can do something just because THEY don't think I can, I'm not entitled to feel good about myself..just because of a dumb haircut, I'm not even entitled to find some resolve or power for myself to unhook a damn computer and take it to my car. I was drained, and I don't care who you are, when your 14 year old comes down to your little level and puts his arm around you and says, calm down Mom, we love just calm down. In that instance, I felt valued, the one thing I wanted to feel most yesterday, was to be valued by my husband. I wanted to be valued in his eyes, in his heart, enough to want to spend time with me, for me, just for me. I miss that. Most couples that have been married as long as we have for our generation, have not made it a goal to stay married like we have, through thick and thin, don't value what marriage is really all about, have only seen it as a slip of paper...and even more so, only stayed married until their kids was grown, lost the spark, felt like once the obligation to see their kids raised, there was no more obligation. I don't want to be that couple. He is 40..I'm about to be 40, we have grown together, raised two kids together, fought, yes sometimes very severely, with consequence, as well as without consequence, but we have loved, we have seen alot, we have experienced alot, we have hurt alot, but we have also healed through eachother, we have helped eachother in ways that not many other couples would..we have tolerated, we have failed eachother, only to pick eachother right up again. We have laughed together, cried together, listened to eachother, heard eachother, we have hated eachother to the core, talked to eachother and learned from eachother, and loved eachother even more because of it. We have changed eachother. We have struggled together and survived it against most odds for our generation. Every single time I have considered leaving him, he has given me more reasons to stay. We talked and talked holding eachother once I got through my breakdown, he never realized how bad things were piling on, he didn't understand how bad what he was saying was hurting me, he thought he was kidding, if I didn't know him like I know him, I don't think that would have been enough of an explanation to keep me here.
He sincerely, looked into my eyes, holding me and apologized like he meant it, no distractions, no tv, no video games, not a sound, not a single distraction, just him, just me, just us. My husband, in the 19 years we have been married, has never ever, apologized to me that way. I am valuable to him, he realized he doesn't acknowledge how important to me it is for him to show that. And I got to in the same manner, say, I miss you, I miss my husband.
I always tell people I am happily married, Ive told our ups, our downs, I'm not shy about sharing things regarding my marriage, he is abusive at times, he knows this, I give him the opportunity to fix those things, I let him know when he is being that way. And I will defend myself, and he knows I will.
He said last night after our 2nd fishing trip, he said, I didn't say anything on the way home from the first fishing trip this morning, because I was trying NOT to escalate things, he said, I figured if I said anything, I would make it worse, he said, I was already very upset, he said, I didnt speed, I took it very slow going home, so as to not make you more mad, I just gave you time to calm down. He said, as angry and upset as you were, I just knew I had to let you cool down.
I said, that was good, but in a way not good, because I thought, you weren't speaking because you were just as mad as I was, in my mind I was done. I took your not speaking as though, you agreed. I said but what you did was the right thing to do, I was highly upset and angry, and I was leaving for good. I love you Thomas, but I cannot live this world feeling so bad about myself that way. NO girl deserves to ever feel that bad or hurt ever. He asked where I was going to go, he guessed my Moms house, I said, I really don't know, cause I was just feeling bad enough to leave, I didn't care where I go, or end up, I just wanted to get away from hurting that bad. You don't think you can hurt someone so bad with words, well you can. I would rather someone haul off and hit me hard as they can than to hurt me with words. Especially if it is someone who is supposed to love you no matter what.

So, all ended up well yesterday after that..just another bump in the road. There will be plenty more I'm sure, marriage means something to me, and to him, it is where we came from, how we were raised, it doesn't stop just because your kids are grown, it doesn't stop because things don't go your way, it doesn't stop because things are difficult, but it will stop if you don't truly value eachother anymore, if you cannot be obligated to eachother anymore, if you truly don't love eachother anymore.
Ive learned through this one, that maybe its not wise to take for granted what someone else might be thinking, or use ones own weakness to retaliate. If you are kidding or joking, say you are, don't expect someone to know that. There were two entirely different perceptions at work through that ordeal, had we respected that, it might not have fueled the escalation, it might not have erupted the way did, thankfully I didn't actually walk out, start the car and drive away. I can't even think of where I might have been right now. I wouldnt have wanted to bother anyone I know. So I feel pretty certain, I would have ended up just anywhere. I'm just not one who can be pushed to the level of leaving. Along with knowing my husband, friends and family, I also know who I am too.

Friday, January 4, 2013

1-4-2013's thoughts.

Today didn't go to bad actually. There isn't alot to report actually.

The only unnerving thing about today was my niece texted me to say there was a bomb threat at her school, its times like that that I am very happy kids have the fortune to have cell phones while at school. I admit I was a bit on the panicked side. I texted her mom at work, I texted our sister, no fears around me, heck no, I albeit was ready to jump into action and go pick her up from school. I mean it was not but 40 degrees out today, forget about the bomb thing, I was truly more afraid the kid was gonna freeze out there. But that's just Aunt Heidi, blankets, hot cocoa, extra jackets, wool socks, long johns, all I needed was the text that said, go get her...and I woulda been out the door. But NOOOO....only text I got back was...they were transferring them to another school, and a little later to say...the school was swept and cleared and they were back...which is good I guess but I didn't get to go save anyone :/, oh well, maybe next time:)

I'm going to go get my hair cut tomorrow, I'm nervous, but the break from dealing with long hair for a while will be nice. Its a good thing hair grows, just incase I don't like you Mom! but just incase. Just sayin.

Other than that, I think that's about it for this day.


Oh yeah, I went by Morgans plaque today, and threw a peace sign up at her. I do that sometimes, since Im over there so much, sometimes its a thumbs up, or blow a kiss, just something, anything to let her know, (just incase she is peeking in)..that she is not and never will be forgotten:)

When I work right there at Lannigan, I often just glare over thinking about what could have happened, what would I have done, alot of thoughts go through, I study, I study hard at the entire environment. Watch who comes and goes, watch ladies and gents jog through, ride bikes, just various things, people walking the tracks, and people getting on the shuttle buses. People working around, certain cars that seem to just love that stretch driving up and down through there like 50 times. And I get amazed, that for as much traffic that goes through there, its nearly impossible to think how not one soul saw her there. From Lannigan, someone had to have. There is only one person that would definitely know...stay tuned:)

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Today's thoughts

Today, I decided I'm cutting my hair off. I need a new look, hopefully I can get a better attitude with it:)

Speaking of changes, I'm looking to make a bunch of them..not just your general things such as finances, health, all that good New Years type of stuff, but I'm going to try new attitude.

I spent alot of last year down in the dumps, unmotivated, sick, just all around not feeling well. I seem to have noticed that ever since my surgery, things just dont seem the same, can't keep up with my karate, loss of interest, dont go fishing near as much, stopped writing, and instead became super involved in things that kind of distracted me, from being me. My programs began to feel like jobs, participation was pretty low, my ability to function often ran right down with it. Energy gone, eventually, you feel rather...invisible. I hate those invisible years, emotional roller coasters, peace keeping efforts that usually just slapped me right back in the face, or even reaching out to be helpful, and not helping at all. The hard hit reality, that I am not one in a million...I will not be the help they need. Because I have a very hard time being the help I need. I could tell people day and night, of the things I know, you know all the in between the line stuff. It just does no good.
I think sometimes we lose ourselves so much in other peoples lives that we just totally lose our own identity. Its all too easy for that to happen to me. Im impressionable as it is. So it takes little to nothing to land myself in bad situations trying to help, my fearlessness tends to only add more to the problem.
What happens thought when you see your identity in someone else, you become that much more driven.
My thinking may not be like everyone elses. But here is a thought. Ladies, we are all Morgan Harrington.
We were 20 once, we once had that youth and beauty, and we all knew what it felt like to be that age, we all had a wild streak in us about her age...we all got excited to go to things like concerts, especially if it were our favorite band, and if we had the opportunity to go see them, we all would have lived it up as she was trying to do. And if there was alcohol around, don't think for a second we would get our hands on it, thats just part of being 20. My logic may be different, but the way I see it, is Morgan needed someone that night..I needed someone that needed someone that night. Morgan went through what is all of our biggest fears. And now Morgan is me, and she is you, she is all of us ladies. She works through us, all of us..she doesn't let go, she won't let go. She needs us to help her Mom, Dad, and Brother. She is her Mom. Gil is proof of that..because Gil is Morgan too. Everything connects. We determine how she is helped now.
And still. I can't change the way I help, I still can't bring what they need, all I have to offer is what I know. What I learn, What I see for myself, or hear for myself. 

So I'm changing my attitude, because I need to wait for results like everyone else does..if it is meant to come to me, it will.. if it is not meant to be.. then I have helped all I knew how to help.

I can't wait for him to be found. I want so bad for him to be found, he didn't just hurt/murder Morgan, he killed a piece of the rest of us too. I was 20 yrs old when I had my daughter. One of the happiest times of my life. To think he stole that from her, her family, from us..from all the future young ladies that he stalks out there.

Please let 2013 be the year Miss Morgan sees her justice done. That surely is a change I could live with.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

On My Mind


So I'm going a little stir crazy, got a bit of the cabin fever going on. I don't like winter as it is.

hmm..Saw the doctor today..he says cortisol is low again (adrenal fatigue) which has a huge impact on how someone can end up depressed, and in my case can trigger some serious relapses. So thats the bum thing about cortisol. Not so bad of a thing if I can afford the supplement for it. Thats not exactly low in cost.

Now, if I could just get my other doctor to figure out what the lump is in my ribs, let me be reassured that its ok, then I can get back to what I'd like to be doing..cause right now..I'm doing little to nothing and it just aint cutting it and it is rather ironic that I can sit and/or be laying down and pull some awesome motivational thought and planning to all I need to and want to get done, yet...I still sit or lay there get up and go do it...and then...nope..I got nothin.. its rather pitiful. Wow how nice my house would be if I could think it clean:)
That's just it, its like my body will not function along with my brain...its as if its two entirely seperate things. If you had any idea of how I keep saying "ok, now, I gotta get up and finish the laundry"...ok, well it never gets finished, I go down, I put a load in..I wait, I stick it in the dryer, and hey...whalahh, I did some laundry for the day..I look at the dishes and I say...hmmm..those need I go get Kourtney, and I'm like, hey babe, looks like the dishes need done. Guess she aint feeling it either, cause the dishes aint done..My carpets, lets not even go there. I went and got me this new organizer, granted it took alot of effort to simply buy the daggon thing, since Walmart does not know what a true organizer is anymore, you actually have to go buy it I did so, only took me 2 hrs.. within it I got a project book, the other day, I wrote down list after list, one for each room, all the things I'd like to work on throughout the year to remodel each room and such, I got alot of I mark these things as each persons project to work won't believe how many projects I listed for "Dad"...heeehehe...:) but I also am quite interested to see next New Years how many gets done. Oh well, they was good thoughts anyway..haha.
Its like all the motivation is in my head, not in my body. That is what low cortisol does to you, it literally wipes out your energy, makes things 10x as stressful that would be for anyone else..physically you are drained, not much after you are mentally drained, and then all you got left is emotionally...he said, that what happens is that with someone with all the illnesses I have, it easily sets off any of the symptoms I have of various illnesses I suffer from, and there I go, I'm all up in a relapse all over again. Great.
I gather most people don't realize just how common low cortisol is, particularly in women. Stress burns through the cortisol your body makes, hard on your seratonin, your thyroid, all that good stuff. Its all a part of a operational system that keeps us well. Well, my cortisol maker, and thyroid maker and seratonin maker is broke. So my neurotransmitters is all over the place and when that happens, all hell breaks loose in me. I mean thats about the best I could describe it from what I gathered out of him. Its all patterns. Education is the key. To have panic and anxiety disorder, ptsd, bipolar much less the most severe kind...and to have adhd, and visual perception disorder its a wonder Im even able to think of cleaning my house in the first place, but its all good, it was the thought that counts right:)
Anywho, blogging has given me something. An outlet. A way to express, good, bad and comical..ranting, venting...not that its always useful, or productive, but it has helped me atleast feel like someone out there hears me..even if they don't...still..its the thought that counts.
I'm not out there causing trouble for people, I'm not out there shooting places up, I'm not out there doing illegal things,  I'm no Adam Lanza...I cant even see myself doing things like that. Not even to make a point..not even on a whim. Im just not him.
Ive had alot of thoughts since the Sandy Hook massacre, and all of them was to fight harder for those of us that are not Adam Lanza, my friend from MHA-A (Mental Health America-of Augusta) wrote me couple days ago, asked me to take her place in Richmond for legislation. Ironically they placed this Mental Health legislation day the same day as NRA gun toting day. I thought that was pretty coincidental, and honestly I thought at one point, the word "ambush" came to mind, so I kinda hesitated to respond. Guns, Mental illness Advocates..hmmm...yeah, not a great mixture on the same day. However, I also thought..if I'm to speak on front of legislation that day, it is an opportunity not many get to have. If I am to make an impact at all in mental health then I need to step forward and do that. I need to take this opportunity, stand up and let them know. So, I am working hard on what I need to do, to bring to their attention, that could make the greatest impact not only for mental heatlh but for better understanding of how these tragedies and such have a huge impact on mentally ill people as well. And some how, some way, be brief enough not to babble. hmmm..that's gonna take some hard work. Ive never went before legislation before, I know what I need to say, I know what needs to be said, but honestly, I fear that it will all fall on deaf ears. I know what can be done to change things. and make safety a number 1 priority. I have kids, and I cannot ever imagine what I would do if harm came to them because someone decided to let someone have a gun that should not have one, and I'm tired of gun owners being blamed and mentally ill being beaten down by their communities and folks all around the world for something they did not do. I know the systems, procedures, laws, rights, ethics, I am mentally ill, but I am not Adam Lanza.
I will do alot of research before going before them. I will make this a good attempt, and I will do all I can, to help the situation, not make matters worse. The madness just has to stop.

The End.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Welcome 2013

Hello 2013,

Well, I thought of all kinds of good new years, I thought of staying off fb for a whole be around and with my family more, you know, just live life, the right way...and I thought of just staying positive, fixing finances, and keeping control of them...taking my dogs for walks and training them...not just half trained like they are now, so far they will only sit, stay and kiss, and then eat the treat. So I didn't get very far in the training, but I'm getting there. I kinda can't help it, they give me them puppy eyes and I just melt. Im done for.
But I thought of so many good things. And then some idiot goes and decides to get some public notoriety for working on some astrology with the massacres that have been happening, just a stupid, stupid thing to do.
Rule#1 of Astrology, YOU DO NOT USE IT FOR PREDICTION! See there is this little think called Karma, and it will snap a tude on ya in a heartbeat! And no less a guy who has 3 Elementary school kids was behind the actual astrology work, now here is the thing. Alone, by itself, in my awesome astrological comprehension of the matter :) was great work, I mean dude seriously seriously put alot of effort in there, alot of hard work. But he has to be careful, with astrology, if you don't be careful of what you are doing, it can form ideas for you. It is like one of them things they call when you start getting so disoriented in the desert that you actually start thinking you see water...what is it..hmmm..oh yeah a mirage I think...with astrology it can be like that. You are going along and you start thinking you are seeing what may not be there. Just cause it fits, don't mean it fits. You have to take breaks, you have to be careful not to fill in the extras. I know astrology, I can tell you by trait alone some things most wont pick up on.
Ex. hmm...who shall I pick on :) just for giggles....Joe Rader.
He retired on November 18, 2011. This from what he told me would be near or around his birthday. He is Scorpio. Watch out for them. Sensitive emotionally but the hard outter shell of the scorpio will never let you see it. When he means to come after you, he will, he will not stop until he gets you. Hmm...sounds familiar, haha.
Very good at law enforcement, extremely intellectual, highly protective of his family, does not mince words often. Sneaky, not too trusting. hmmm..yup..haha. Even if this was just his retiring date and not his birthdate, it still says alot about him. It is very close to a cusp, that means his positional sign closer to that cusp is at its strongest. What led him to retirement was at its peak. Highly strong focus on other goals. Very strong occurance for change. His sun sign was screaming change.
Now see, I know things. But I would never tell him these things. I also know things that led up too. Just things he don't need to know.
But this was prime example of just how much astrology plays into the lives of people. It is science, it is not ghost whispering, it is not reading horoscopes, though that too brings alot of perspective, I can tell him anything he wants to know regarding something, but I just don't want too.
Astrology, is not games, you have to respect it, if you are not prepared to play by the rules, you have no business messing with it.  And that is how I feel this guy did, the work was good, it was really good, but to use it to get publicity, just not a good idea. Karma is indeed linked to using it for prediction, you cannot use astrology to go back into a horrific event then turn around and use it to predict the next, Karma steps in and says, you do not belong here.
I think it disturbs me to see that, because I think of the people out there trying to help with the positivity astrology can make an impact into doing things like, helping Law Enforcement with cases, several time it has been proven to help, several reports of Law Enforcement requesting the assistance of psychics, and psychic mediums and such, and then you got hip hop happy jackass that comes along and destroys all of that. Not to mention provokes another possible attack, by taking it straight to a reporter, whom also decides to jump in on the action, and whalahh, now all of Giles County has closed their schools tomorrow because the police were alerted through this publication, and has had to take precaution of a potential attack. Great move..idiots.
Are they begging for another mass shooting? I don't get know it just now dawned on me, how I often do not understand the smaller things...but you give me some super complex astrological, physics, calculus, coded, patterned method and I'm good to go...hmmm.. go figure...yes,  I'm rambling, I'm quite tired. Anyway, damn it!!! As far as Joe Rader, dude I was so onto you..hahaha..nah, just kiddin..haha..

Well, New Year 2013, looks like its you and me kiddo, lets kick ass! I need a good year, last year sucked frankly and I'm so over it. I get so sick of this world sometimes. I get sick of the people in it alot of times too. But I'm done worrying about all that now. If I kicked all the asses I really wanted too, I'd be pretty damn exhausted just the same, so I guess that just means it wasn't worth it. I'm going into this one with a new attitude, keep my friends and family close, anyone else, dont even think about touching me, don't even think about messing with me at all. Its not a bad attitude, just not puttin up with jack shit this year. Im letting God take over this time.

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Thoughts of the Missing and Murdered

hmm..well, I have so many of them.

I look at my facebook and you almost cant see one day go by without atleast one post of a missing person.

Begging, pleading for their loved ones to come home safe, alerts from all around the country, I see them coming from practically every state. I'm reminded of Morgan again. I guess if I wasn't so involved in her case it might have been a bit easier to glance and scroll. But I just can't. Not since being involved in the Jennifer Short Case. My heart still aches for her and her family, after having talked to some family members of Jens case, Ive talked to FBI, Ive talked to Sheriffs, you name it Ive talked to them. While I'm pretty certain of what happened, my heart hurts that even the family knows now Jen, Mike, and Mary's killers will not be found. They literally are untraceable. I think knowing that makes me really fight twice as hard for Morgan, not just out of caring, but because I just don't wanna let him get away with this. Naturally the two have nothing in common besides being murder...two different areas of the state, with Jens case, it had proven to be alot of corruption going on, alot of investigational error, the family too pushed very hard for results just as the Harringtons have. I saw that slip away with Jens case, I still have friends from Jens case, and that was nearly 10 yrs ago. But I saw hope slip from their eyes, from their hearts, eventually with ever new police issued released asking for the publics help, I do not want to see this happen to the Harringtons. I know what happened to Jen, it will never make a difference, it breaks my heart. It really does. Bassett doesn't hold a killer like Charlottesville/Fairfax does. Two entirely different issues at hand. VSP didn't mess up Morgans case, it was handled with care, Jen's family didn't have that. Morgans family isn't dealing with a hit, this was far different, Morgans family deals with a predator. There is no other word for him/them...predators. Simple as that, calculated, premeditated, cold hearted, evil predator. Its not to say that someone who makes a hit on someone else's family is not a killer, but they aren't a predator with the goal in mind to plan their attack. One who makes a hit, just comes, kills all and goes. Morgans was so much more tormenting. Even less clues, and we already know he waits to strike another family/girl. Jens, you won't find him/them. Thats pretty much been determined, and in their families eyes, and unfortunately mine now as well, the way it will be. Its not just Morgan though,  its Sage, and Lauren, and Bethany, its all those Ive seen for the longest time, with just no answers. I want to blame the police, that's not working, I want to blame why people let this happen, that's not working, I want to blame myself, how come I couldn't help more? WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?? I suddenly see....nothing. I didn't do anything wrong, how can you do something wrong, when there is just nothing you can do to begin with??? You can't help, you can't not help. All we all can do is just keep on hoping, keep on praying, keep on keeping the faith that one time this predator will make a mistake and VSP will put him away for good! I want VSP to get him, I want them to show us we are safe in Virginia. I cannot do the work they do, I cannot even begin to think the way they do, I do try sometimes I will admit that. I don't want to be a police officer, I just want us all safe. I get so mad sometimes, because I see what people can do different, I have great ideas, but you say them and its like no one does it, or its dismissed. Its like standing in a crowd, and your screaming out, and no one looks, no one sees, no one hears...they just keep walking by as if you aren't even there. Thats how I feel alot of times. About Charlottesville alot. I mean it can make me fighting mad cause I can't believe it takes that much effort to get people to see or listen. So yeah, I do get upset, and I get bent out of shape, even fighting mad, I guess when fighting is the only way you have ever been heard before, its the only way you know to be heard.
I think that people need to wake up and smell the whatever it is...and understand that these evil people, they will hurt you because that is what they live for, hurting people. They grab you, make you helpless, and will kill you. They don't care if you are a good person, or bad one, or whoever, they just don't care. I may not be good with reality all the time, and I get fearless, and I will give my life anyday over a 20 yr olds, cause I'm old now. I lived my life. I'm 39 and I got no problem saving a 20 yr old even if it means mine. I will go up against a murderer, I will step in between I will guard and protect them. But police should understand something too. You cannot be everywhere all the time. Many don't think about that.. I do.
The more I think about these kids being taken and murdered, the more fight I have in me. Come hell or high water even you will not stop me.
To the murderer, if you are to ever so much as get a glimpse of this, steer clear of me, you do not know who I am, or you may, that doesn't matter to me. If you do, tread easy around me, I'm likely watching you as much as you are watching me...if you don't, you don't wanna come after anyone anywhere remotely close to me, I see you and not only will I step in between but I will make you regret the day you ever even thought about harming a girl. ever...because you will have found the girl to be able to do exactly that.. guaranteed.
I don't take mercy on anyone that hurts a person. Your best option...turn yourself in before I get ahold of you. End of story!
I'm tired of these families having to hurt this way, its best one of these bastards don't cross my path. No one deserves being hurt that way, and no girl deserves to taken and murdered. No one!
To the bastard that took and murdered Morgan, while you are running all over and up and down VA, you self righteous piece of shit, you days are numbered, counting down, tick tock, goes the clock and one day, you will mess up and when you do, which couldn't be quick enough to suit me, you will have to face what you did, you will have to pay, you will face justice for what you did. I can't wait for that day, not for me, but for Morgan, her Mom, her Dad, and her Brother, and by God I hope VSP makes one hell of an example out of you!!

Saturday, December 29, 2012


Ya know,  I often felt like something is not right. I mean about this whole Morgan thing. I mean I say Morgan thing not in the sense that it is aggravating to me, but more in the sense as though it just can be downright frustrating. Its so many puzzle pieces, a dream here, a dream there of her, is it what my mind wants to tell me? Is it her trying to tell me? Or is it simply just how bad I want to find her killer?
I don't know, I see so much that is coincidences. Just so much.
Wild wings,
train tracks/station
their ages
one female, one percieved to be female
What is it about that area that is just taunting me?
Think, think, think.
I have looked into so much of the railway throughout VA that is easy for me to see someone using the railway system to their advantage in a serial murder sort of way. I mean the security aspect on parts of the system are so much tighter, stricter than other portions of the state. The southwestern primarily lacking.
You have an auto train railroad that just runs right up and down the atlantic seaboard. It not only is very relaxing, convenient, but leaves one plenty of room to meander around VA at their free will, if one was to practically live their life on a travel status. Or rather just preferred too. And from what I am noticing, from local sources pretty much, is that this WW Cafe place, is a very common place for those who utilize the railroad system alot.
Takes me back to something someone "the one that shalt not be mentioned"...said.."playing around on the tracks and slipped and fell..couldn't save her"..."did a summersault, in a tumbling sort of way"..."hit her head".."didn't know what to do with her"..."panicked"...these words often play through my mind, though I totally have a lot of disgrace for who told me that, I still never discount anything, my mind just doesn't let me.
Why? Why does someone say that, it was overheard by railroad crew from another state..primarily an atlantic coast state. hmmm...anyone whom works the railway knows how the rail system works. It is policed, but no so much when it comes to subcontracted companies such as Buckingham Branch. They basically are responsible for their own security as they operate and man freight. Passenger trains such as Cardinal...are the ones with the greater security...its kind of like this, UVA tends to the public, they need UVA police....VRE tends to the public with Railway Police, JPJA is an entertainment "cash cow" so to speak, as is your freight liners, If UVA hires SMG and RMC to manage subcontracted security to tend to the "cash cows", then it means Buckingham Branch is a subcontract to VRE and what little or minute rail security that is needed to move freight from one portion of the state to another is subcontracted as well. So, while there are several different levels of Policing for the railway system in VA, ex..state, local, in house, stations, investigators, intelligence, undercover, k-9 even, the majority of necessary policing for a freight liner out in the boondocks is not as important as say...where your higher populations is. An attack in Fairfax, highly populated, Charlottesville, highly populated, both passenger railway systems, both higher need for Railway police.
Freight only runs certain times, certain days, while Passenger trains all days of the week.
Fairfax and Charlottesville both pivotal points in passenger railway system. Both Fairfax and Charlottesville attacks not far from a train station at all. Practically the same distance, I left this idea alone for a while because when I wiped that fool out of my life, I wiped his idiocy out with it.
Who was this guy from South Carolina because maybe that was something that wasn't exactly an impossible topic to believe. I mean do they have the radio transcript, have they talked to the guys that were discussing this over the radio for the guy to have overheard the conversation. If not, are there a couple of railway workers in our area or had stopped in as the train sat, that was hauling freight or doing work or maintenance that weekend? VSP you have highest authority in this state to enquire, this is not California. After all the QUARRY is right there and as their site states it is still operational.  There is no good reason to believe that it couldn't or wouldn't be at all possible to believe that someone is not stalking the railway system and picking victims from it. That is just my thoughts on the manner regarding the railroad system and how it could have been used. Whether or not it was, guess we will never know as long as they don't press into it further.
I don't know, but if people keep missing around or near the railroads, it just might eventually be worth it to look into, in my opinion one was way too many. JMO.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Forensic Astrology

Well, I have learned a thing or two about careful where you poke around.

I spent the last 3 days involved in deciphering a composite chart reference point. This takes 2 people's birth signs/charts of a particular date and time..combines them and it shows you how and when they met and the type of relationship between the two.

If you are not careful you learn WAYYYY too much. I went into it with honest intentions and came out of it at a point where I was afraid to go much further. I tried this chart two different ways to be sure. And both ways yielded the same results. It also brought out in me something I didn't realize was there. A little on the uncomfortable side yet at the same time contentment.

Alot of people were on the mark with what they either interpreted themselves, learned themselves or decided for themselves.

There is one problem. There are many downsides to this chart than I wanted to see regarding both birth signs. And I'm afraid to reveal them now.. I have to one source, and regretted it already, and I didn't even get to some of the most important aspects of it yet.

I have abilities ones I wish I didn't.

I read, studied and continuously went through a 316 page book as I worked this chart. And for nothing. I saw things happening before my very eyes in very vivid detail, could do nothing but watch, and absorb what it had to tell me/show me. And now I'm afraid to share it. Because you eventually get so sick of being the one that everyone wants to hear from but only when its something they are interested to know. They just don't get it.

I know people worry about me..but they have to understand, I will tell them if I am not well. I have been perfectly well through this and they still don't want to hear it.

These two individuals did meet up..and it was not good. The reason I know this chart is correct...because it displayed and told and showed every detail from the moment she left her house.

And he does indeed work at Universities. There are details that cannot be ignored as to just how correct they are.

I truly wish the other forensic astrologists would thoroughly explore these charts before entering them into public display as examples of what they know about tragic situations. They have misled, by only reading into planetary position...there is far more than that to explore, believe me I found it.
Next time try looking into the windows..the gaps, the nooks and crannies. You would be surprised what you know then.

I'm no expert on charts by any means. Ive not worked on charts for years at a time, Ive not done any large amount of time reading chart after chart. My mind doesn't need too.

Ive done one, and likely will be the only one I'll ever do now.

I'm not in the mood to deal with skeptics. I needed someone to take what I worked on for 3 days seriously. I will not get that. Not everyone that asks you if your ok, has good intentions to you.

She is stubborn enough, that is the nature of her sign, it is proof enough that she will not rest until he is caught. Guaranteed.

I gotcha back black onyx.

Sunday, September 30, 2012



[ri-sip-ruh-keyt] Show IPA verb, re·cip·ro·cat·ed, re·cip·ro·cat·ing.
verb (used with object)
to give, feel, etc., in return.
to give and receive reciprocally; interchange: to reciprocate favors.
to cause to move alternately backward and forward.
verb (used without object)
to make a return, as for something given.
to make interchange.
to be correspondent.
to move alternately backward and forward.
Reciprocateis one of our favorite verbs.
So is skedaddle. Does it mean:
to run away hurriedly; flee.
chat, to converse

1605–15; < Latin reciprocātus past participle of reciprocāre to move back and forth. See reciprocal, -ate1

re·cip·ro·ca·tive, re·cip·ro·ca·to·ry [ri-sip-ruh-kuh-tawr-ee, -tohr-ee] Show IPA, adjective
re·cip·ro·ca·tor, noun
non·re·cip·ro·cat·ing, adjective
un·re·cip·ro·cat·ed, adjective
un·re·cip·ro·cat·ing, adjective

1. return, respond, retaliate.
Example Sentences
  • Establishing strong relationships requires that program staff initiate and reciprocate.
  • Accordingly, it is strongly recommended that if a seller pays for an activity that the buyer reciprocate.
Every now and then I like to bring to light a word that people don't often think about.
This is one that some should learn.
This is a word that my mind doesn't understand when someone doesn't reciprocate things.
Through my illness this word was something pounded into me religiously, because I wouldn't learn to open up and speak. I didn't learn how valuable this word really is until I encounter someone who doesn't know what it means, and so I can't process in my mind how people can be this way.
It can easily stress me out to no end to be expected in my life by my doctors and therapists or reciprocate to others..but then when I expect that of others and it isn't given, I just don't know what to think...I can't process it. I'm frozen because there is no explanation, there is no reason..there is nothing. It is an unacceptable in my head to think something is what it is and there is no reason behind it, when everything has a reason. If I do not reciprocate then my husband worries, friends worry, therapists or counselors worry..everyone in my life worries.
When people don't reciprocate with me, I feel lost, begin to try to rationalize something I can't..but I will never stop trying too. Because...I can't is the same thing as I give up. Ive always been told that.
People say let it me..let it go means give up. That is quitting...I don't and won't quit.
My mind doesn't process the same as others..its like saying..." I care about you but you are getting on my nerves"...this is how my mind works.
If you make a statement like I care about you...then say but you are getting on my nerves, that single word...but...just canceled out the first portion of that sentence. All I am able to process, is the "your getting on my nerves" part..which is a judgement. You have put the feeling before the truth. It is human nature for honesty to come last. Its like something bad get through that bad time then BOOM the truth. OUCH!
You can always tell, who reads just the first part of an email, or the last part of an email, the ones who like you, read the first part...those who tolerate just the last part..those who read the whole damn thing and reciprocate...those are real treasures...they are the ones really listening to you, the ones that really care.
Nah, people don't need to be worried about my illness...worry more about my intelligence..I don't process things too good sometimes..that is true...but I am seriously far from dumb!


My mind has been on a spinning wheel for a while, it doesn't slow down much. Not most times. I always been a rapid thinker. I don't like that really not much at all.

I feel like it pushes people away from me. I mean, I am able to come to idea and conclusion so much quicker than most people. Eventually you can tell what other people feel before they even speak to you. I often don't know why I ask people how they feel about something when I already know what they are going to say.

My whole life is like that vivid dream that you have of something happening and you wake up go on about your day and what you dreamed actually happens or comes true. Too many times has it come true for me, that people wonder why I am so inclined to follow what I believe. Naturally, I have more faith in my intuitions that most do, that part is understandable. But to repeatedly see the same dream come true, eventually, despite the fact that others refuse to KNOW it is going to come true, you just can't pin point it to a specific day. If we could, we could stop murderers before they happened..theives before they steal..liars before they lie...betrayars from betraying.

I have the power to channel, most don't know what that is, most see it as a curse, I have often times thought the same. Most don't even know what kind of power that can hold, and how exhausting it can be. Most have so many misconceptions regarding the issue. Most wouldn't have a clue about how to handle such things. I didn't either honestly. Unfortunately I don't get that choice.

I'm not special, I'm about sick and tired of being special. My kind of special..really isn't special, its a nuisance..for them and for me. I can feel so alone in my own world/environment sometimes, and its phenomenally amazing how I can read or hear someone say " I'm here for you"...and instantly know whether it is genuine, or passive.

Ive detached alot here recently, as I've spent two weeks seriously sick and one week battling my illness in such a way that my previous post truly peaked a pivotal moment in my state of psychosis..
Embarassing, you better believe it! I had to go back over several emails, and several texts to figure out what the heck went wrong and how many I affected. I didn't feel it coming on, as usual, but I did see I targeted someone.

Most of us that have psychosis, as a part of our illnesses, when we aren't doing so well, whatever is hurting us at the time, becomes our target. A target is the point of breaking and inevitably becomes the basis of our obsession at that point in time.

For example, for is religion, music, someone in the family, someone we may feel threatened by, or whatever emotions they were trying to deal with before breaking point. It goes from normal conversation, to complete reality loss. If it is scary for you...imagine how it must be for us. Not to mention we have to deal with later realizing just how bad it was.

I have an illness folks. Its not a pretty one, I tell the officers I speak to all the time, about these things. I leave nothing out, the raw detail placed right before them, to include things like this. I have had to learn to be honest and most people can't handle that..those that can, are true treasures to have..

Ive discovered that the target I unfortunately picked in my episode, apparently was honestly no true friend...not that he wasn't a friend...just not a true friend. This was his choice. Looking back over everything, I was truly not within reality, and people probably had every right to pick up the phone to my doctor and have a word or two with him. My husband helped bring me back out of it, though it took a good bit of sleep/resting. I literally became afraid to move out of my bed for atleast two days.
I texted friends that had time to respond.

Inevitably, my mission is to survive this hell, being as positive a person as I can be, with or without my targets help. I do suppose he lives a hell all his own. I have no right to judge his hell, but only to survive my own.

Ive been detached too much here lately, but purposefully so. I am withdrawn, but purposefully so.

I just don't want to be special...a channeler...I feel like I need to be out of the way..I very few friends that I can count on one hand that are my true friends aside from family...that have been loyal to me for years. I think I will stick with them.

I will not post anymore to fb other than to share a inspirational picture here or there. Its there, and it can sit there. Other than that I have no use for it.

I will post here. Since only my one friend follows me and understands me...I always, ALWAYS, love her advice, whether I want to hear it or not, she is ALWAYS real with me, she knows when I am well, when I'm not well, she makes time for me, she listens to me, she HEARS me. Many times was there when no one else was, more times than I can count. This was never TEMPORARY helping to her, she took me on as a friend and family, because she authentically and genuinely cared.

Some may shake their head...sigh..maybe even giggle...thinking or uttering...calling her nothing more than a that I say, FUCK YOU! Take a seat... watch... and learn bitch, cause that right there, is a REAL friend!

Yeah, those are my thoughts at this moment, people take others for granted..they just shouldn't. My target is gone now. And I don't miss him. I'm doing pretty good without him.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012


they are evil.

they burn smoke in daylight

they rot because they are melons of the beach

they are not smart
like they think they are

they lie

i don'[t trust them now
they hate me

i see thery ghost and they will go to hell

we feel their vioces and its ice

adn on on fire

they are lies
they are not smart

they decieve and they lie

they don't feel


they don['t protect and she wasgood

Morgan knows someone will join her

adn thy will let her die too
the answers re in the house ofmusic
hewas suppose to protect her and he failed

his help was the camera
that lether out the door

and the killer knew the drill
adn he watches anohter girl right now
they will not protect her'

they will let her die
and i told them so
Itold them all

and thekilled hertoo
he willnot be gotten

because the protecteer is the killer.

I told them so.

ifthe killer is the protefctor
only the killergets protected.
and another one will die

Wednesday, September 19, 2012


I mentioned before I would express from time to time how I'm doing and how I feel.

Today, no I don't feel so well. Due to the case, I am extremely not well.

I've analyzed, tried to understand in different ways than I am used to thinking.

I'm empty.

I do not understand the way people thinks, much less of how they think of me. This confuses me most.

I do my best not to panic, be paranoid, be oversensitive, or judgemental. Yet everyone sees or thinks I am being those things.

I think often that people just tolerate me. They want to keep me calm, yet they aren't. I see things before me that they can't possibly see. Whispers of " I hear what your saying..but..." haunt my mind at this point. They really don't HEAR what I'm saying. Or atleast I don't feel that way.

Their minds processes to collect one thing at a time and analyze that, and move along, analyzing things piece by piece, until something fits.  My mind does not do that.  My mind collects everything since the day I began this journey with them, every single detail. My mind operates several pieces of a puzzle at the same time.

I'm tired now, I'm tired of smooth talkings, tired of passiveness, tired of inconsiderations, tired of encouragements to tell or show things, because I will not be truly heard anyway, I'm tired of charades, tired of games both physical and emotional. I'm sick of when I offer something to certain branches of LE that pick up the phone and call another branch of LE that I certainly didn't trust to start with, to ask about ME, not the info I gave, but ME.

I see the pattern, have seen it for a long time, I get the same damn passive treatment every single time.

And they didn't think I was smart enough to catch on.

Yeah, I made friends, I made good friends, I made friends that knew whatever I found would never go anywhere. Maybe they should ask themselves...would they have wanted done that way?

I'm going to empty my trash can. I'm going to do what everyone has been hinting for me to do. Move on. It was getting old living in someone else's life anyway.

Chances are, if you aren't believed in, you were never believed in the first place, unfortunately I cared too much to let go,  I cared too much to want to believe that was really happening.

I'm sick to my stomach, I have a headache, I can't eat right, I truly could fade away, but it would be the FIRST time in this whole situation, I can honestly say, I just don't care now.

Long Time No See

Wow, its been a while since I was here.

In a sense I'm surprised that I returned, I'm not.

Most people have some kind of outlet, I don't. Not at this point in time, because all I want to do at this moment, is fade away.

I'm not sure I want to be a "helpful" person anymore. I mean face it, the maze is long and windy, you get a few friends here, a few friends get attached and I think that word itself has a curse to it.

The attachment hurts the most. Its not bad as long as there is forewarning that there can be no attachment, however, without that warning it can be akin to sticking a knife in someones back and twisting and turning until there is nothing left but a big gaping hole.

I feel stupid. Stupid to trust, stupid to care, stupid to learn, stupid for trying, stupid for trying to make a difference, ultimately stupid for wasting their time. All the hurt, crying, risks, worries, making sure's, the double checking, the panic, the paranoia, the dreams, relentless dreams. Facts aren't enough, hearing isn't enough, seeing isn't enough, words aren't enough..maybe I am just not enough.

What was I suppose to think?

Do people really think I didn't know I was talked about?

Do they think I wouldn't know?

Do they think at all?

Am I really the only one that dwells on helping a family and LE find who did this?

Am I the only one with the unhealthy practice of taking on too much?

Am I supposed to honestly sit back and continue to "take one for the team"?

These questions await answers...and to the tune of crickets I wait.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

The Time

Well, the time is coming, tomorrow I begin my CIT training. I am nervous because I will have to work up close and personal with officers of the law, both county and city from various jurisdictions. As well as other mental health workers.

I will be having a look into what it is like for them. I will learn the various things they have been through with the mentally ill. I will have to see just how "human" they really are. Likewise, they will have to see the same with me. I know I am not guarded. I know I will be talking to some that may likely always see the mentally ill (me) as just another "wacko", or "nut job" will linger in my mind, are they just listening, or are they truly hearing me? Are they just walking through these steps because they "have" too, or because they want too?
And of course, the last question...Am I doing this all for nothing?

It is like walking into a bees nest for me, it isn't a question of if I will get stung, it is a matter of how many times?

I know why I am there. I know what I need to do.

Tomorrow will be quite the test, because not only am I to go in there an participate with everyone else as a unit, but I also near the end of the day, have to stand up and tell my story to all my classmates. This won't be easy because it can set me up for what to expect out of them the rest of the week. This will make the either/or moment. I will either be accepted, or shunned. I really am hoping for the accepted part.

One of the biggest problems the mentally ill face, especially with law enforcement, is being judged. We have come to expect that from them. It is basically the same stereotyping they do to us. I hope for that to end one day as well. It is like reverse racism, racism, only creates more racism, that logic follows anything hateful/hurtful. If it is wrong for one side, it is wrong for all.

Maybe this is why I find it so difficult to choose sides...because I see both the best and worst of both. And I have found it to be unproductive to choose sides. I see the bigger picture with most everything, sometimes instantly. Before anyone else gets too. It tends to come with the territory of being a person who lives between both lines everyday.

I want to be helpful to them, not a hinderance. I want to pass this class, I want to show to them it is meant to be..that we just needed to work together.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

C.I.T. Classes

I found out yesterday that I will be participating in C.I.T. classes beginning next week. I am pretty excited to do this. I had been only participating on the level of going and telling my story to Law Enforcement, Fire, and Rescue, and various other Court Service Representatives, and Mental Health Services/Advocates. But it was decided that I was able to actually take the classes, becoming officially certified, by training, through the C.I.T internship which will be a vigorous 40 hour class starting next week. I think it is pretty awesome I have come so far in my recovery that I am deemed capable of handling the course.

This probably won't be a very easy task for me particularly, as I learn differently but I am willing to give it my best shot, personally its the legal stuff that will probably set me back a bit. I will get a close up view of how things are handled on the legal end.

It will feel awkward in a sense though, that I will come to know, procedures of how I were to be handled should I relapse, right within my own community. The tricks of the trade so to speak. I say awkward because, in the event I relapse, I don't know if this training would be a good thing or a bad thing, as it could go either way. I am wishing for the positive side and they would help me remember and use it as a DBT type of help for me. I don't want this class to be something I think about when I'm not well and they regret having allowed me the opportunity to participate in this. I do feel comfortable learning it, and I do feel the need to be responsible with the knowledge I will gain from it.

Funny thing is, what am I gonna do with it once I learn it? It will be nice to have, nice to be certified, but it will make me feel like I need to use it in some way. Its like training or having training for a particular job field but yet you aren't going to work in the job your training for..haha. It is peculiar, but oh well, I'm game.

I do wonder also, am I going to be the first multi diagnosed severely mentally ill patient with this type of extensive training in Crisis Intervention? If not, then good, if so, that it is just spectacular, it truly means a change in the right direction as far as bringing down stereotyping and stigma. One of the things I have fought so hard for. I feel like I have made so many accomplishments, and even though I haven't exactly completed this one just yet, I look over everything that I have accomplished and I am literally floored. I am not sure whether it is my free spirit and fight, or if it is simply dumb luck, but whatever it is, I will take it!! :)

Monday, January 30, 2012

Prescriptions and Procedures

OMG!! If I have to take another stinkin pill in a days time, I'm gonna explode..haha.

In prescription, I take 7.5 pills a day, in Supplemental, I take 25 pills a day. Overall, I'm taking 32.5 pills a day...that's crazy!

I wrote a poem years ago, called Pills of Illusion, I had written it based on being angry, because I had finally seen what all this medicine was...superficial. It was probably the moment I had to contend with that opened my eyes to the fact that there truly was no cure for this.These meds, they are nothing more than a band aid, a maintenance for a medical/mental condition that will never have a cure. That reality, totally sucks.

I actually took some big risks, I mean pretty bad risks...I had gotten fed up...decided I was going to take the bull by the horns, and in my rough and tough, don't mess with this nature...I stopped them all! I gave them up, I was cured!! Or so I thought, haha. Whooohooo! I was strollin along, thinkin, "I got this boys"!! Oh wow, was I soo soo very wrong. I made it, for like a year and a half...that would be right about the time I got tested, wow a months worth of vigorous testings...I recall I had the attitude of.."nah nah nah nah, can't touch this!" Well folks, that totally backfired on me.

I had originally went to this neuropsychologist to prove just how much there WASN'T wrong with me..that all these years them docs were lying about me. I mean seriously, they had me diagnosed with just about everything out there to include schitzoaffective disorder, and so very many others. Even had me on just about every single med out there, and was about to at last resort, put me on chlozaril, and for anyone who knows what medicine that is, it literally destroys your immune system, it could kill you. You so much as catch a cold while taking that stuff and boom, your down, and likely might not survive.

Well, come to find out I was right...and quite wrong at the same time. At the point after testings, and referred to the current psychiatrist, I was told, I was literally a genuine walking ticking time bomb. Wasn't exactly the best news of the year as I had been in denial for quite some time and believed that I had not a thing wrong with me, I figured, I look normal, I act normal (most of the time) it was a bit depressing to be proven wrong. I did however learn, that schitzoaffective disorder, is a diagnosis often given, when they just can't figure out what the hell is wrong with ya...sweeeet! Well that certainly did explain the long list of diagnosis I had then. That part initially, wasn't too bad to hear, because atleast that meant I was on the right road to figure out what truly was wrong, get the right answers finally to get the right meds and no longer put up with the hell I had been through, being thrown in this facility and that facility, being given this med, going through this adverse side effect, and that one, and this allergic reaction...the worst by far was the anaphylaxis, that totally was not cool!

I wasn't however prepared to hear that I truly was bipolar, I really wanted to let that one go too. The others, like the panic and anxiety, yes, I could accept that, my car accident, and PTSD, all that was pretty explainable...the ADD certainly threw me for a loop, but I could see how it wouldn't be that far fetched, now the other two...the Visual Perception Disorder, and the Dissociative Disorder...those two, I hadn't even heard of, while it explained alot, I kind of wanted to push those away. Nothing can be done at all for the visual perception disorder because it basically means, I am both right and left brain dominant, the problem with this is that it generally is diagnosed as a child, and I believe I was diagnosed with it at age 35. Was far too late for correction as it is a learning means, I would have to relearn everything I ever have to conform with the same way others learn, basically, impossible, I have adapted in my own ways. I had too. Most don't understand this condition because it is so rare. I am able to learn both ways, by sight and audio/verbal, however, I am not able to learn with the two together. I can listen and learn, I can see and learn, but I cannot learn by both hearing and seeing. One side of the brain sends off these little electrical signals for hearing, the other side for visual...being I am both left and right brain dominant, when I hear and see at the same time, they fire off at the same time, one gets cut out, which means I cannot react the same. I can hardly watch someone who talks and moves their hands at the same time..I can do the same with my they call it...but I cannot watch someone else do that....this causes me problems in my karate...because I literally have to focus on one or the other. I will often have problems performing my kata's because music is playing, unless I can tone it out. Lastly dissociative disorder...this had become an issue when I started relapsing, I'd been through some horrific hospital visits which resulted in traumatic situations, which indeed resulted in dissociations, it is a defense mechanism, that my brain seems to feel is necessary to "escape reality" of what is happening...these are no fun people...they have actually resulted in some dangerous things. Such as being behind the wheel of a vehicle and driving to Lord knows where, getting there, feeling lost, scared and not knowing how to get back home. I've experienced these for so long now, that they tend to switch on and off at will, even when there is nothing wrong. I am quite capable of being one of those individuals you would hear of on the news that ends up in Alaska not knowing how she got there, it's very scary. While I have to take medicine to get through these episodes, and depending for how long these episodes are going on, once we are down to the point of lesser episodes, such as for less than 2 in six months, then I am allowed off of those meds. And if you don't think they are real, I have some friends that will gladly prove otherwise, as well as doctors. I actually bring it up at most of my CIT meetings I speak at because, it is not discussed much as something law enforcment officers do actually face out there. You take them on as you would a sleep walker, you don't yell, you guide, takes alot of patience. We are often able to go on, and physically function, like, drive a car, perform karate, have a full conversation even, but probably will stop talking in mid conversation, its like being on autopilot, and the only remedy that I have been told by my doctors is to shut down, instantly, just as if you are rebooting your computer, a strong fast sedative. Basically enough tranquilization to shut down a mule. I despise these episodes, you often don't remember what happened, you don't know where you are until you come out of one. Sometimes you can remember bits and pieces but it is almost always in a dream like fashion. I recall once I was in a hospital, I apparently became quite combative, wasn't too pretty from my understandings, they were attempting to restrain me to a chair, a rather big nurse was tending to my feet, to attach them to a chair, I apparently lifted my foot and kicked her square in the chest, dropped her to the floor...I never knew I never even knew I did that, I found out a year later, she told me herself. I felt horrible, I'm not the least bit of a mean, vicious, or violent person! I apologized all over myself, I was in total disbelief that I was even capable of such a thing. To this day, I couldn't imagine doing that to someone that wasn't outright attacking me. I'd been accused of kicking a police officer square in the "you know where's", and lifting a 300+ lb man up off the floor with my legs. I was told I broke a nurse's aides finger, and sure enough, he was wearing a splint on it, none of these things I remember, none of them, I was told after the fact. These were dissociations.

Anyway, although I resent having to take medicines, I do understand why it is necessary, I don't want to be someone who hurts people, I want to be someone who will use my strength for good not bad. I want to have self control in any state of mind. I didn't do all that research on my conditions for nothing, I did it to learn more about them, to learn what I needed to do to help myself, and keep from doing that to people the best I could. I believe with all my heart I am a very good person, I want to stay that way, I don't like it when I am not well and unpredictable, believe it or not, it scares me just as much as it scares everyone around me.

So I suppose I will stick to my 32.5 meds a day for now..haha!

Reality Check

You know sometimes I need reality checks...

A good wake up call, my illnesses sometimes don't really allow me those. Its a sad thing really. Because I can go along for months in my own little world, expecting things to happen without either putting forth a decent effort, or even thinking everything is going ok, despite the fact it really isn't. I often don't see or miss when something is wrong.. and plug along anyway. And I don't get to find out until my heart is either broken as a result or I get devastated when it is flashed before my eyes, that I just simply didn't do what was required to accomplish what I wanted too. And worse yet, take on blaming those that were really innocent bystanders.

What the heck is wrong with me? All this time I'm taking this issue up with the wrong people, and I'm thinking its their fault when it is mine. I'm acting selfish, like it is everyones fault but my own. I'm not this person!!!! I am better than this!

It is like Ive been seriously distracted, my ADD, doesn't allow me to stay focused and this is just no good! It is not everyone elses responsibility to keep me focused, though the help is extremely appreciated, wow where would I be without it! Ive been acting like a big damn baby at my own cost.

I get frustrated that I cannot learn the same way as everyone else. How do I help them help me? I struggle to help myself alot. Rendering me depending on others to help me, how do I get them to understand that? I feel stupid to ask them. Inevitably, I end up feeling stupid, lower, less than, useless, worthless, discouraged and unable to eventually even think for myself. It is not their fault, and yet not mine. Wow the internal struggle this can build into, and then eventually, I come out looking selfish, bitter, with pity parties and "issues" that no one wants to get involved with. They often don't realize there is no fix for this. There is no fix for mental illness, it is maintained only. It is a curse, one I couldn't possibly wish not even on my worst enemy.

I am diagnosed, ADD, the most severe bipolar someone can even have, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Visual Perception Disorder, Panic and Anxiety Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder and Dissociative Disorder....and somehow, someway, amazingly, I am still not the most Fucked up, violent person that walks the face of this earth, I have an IQ/aptitude, measured by a neuropsychologist to be in the 150-160 range, I have indeed been called a savant, genius, even a muse by friends and family and yes even doctors, but how does a person so smart, so brilliant, so articulate, so impressive, feel so damn dumb? Struggle so much, have to answer to Lord knows everyone, and struggle to get through every moment of every day? It is everybit like a cancer in remission. It is cruel, it is relentless, and I never got a choice, I never made a bad choice in my life to deserve such a thing!

I see things in patterns, codes, colors, and numbers, my mind is totally cryptic. I honestly believe that my karate instructor has figured this out, I believe alot of my karate family has seen me struggle with this, I believe my doctors, and Dan Harrington know exactly what this is like for me, they all see a side of me even my own family probably couldn't realize or relate too. I believe I may have about 3 friends that can really down deep understand me, its the rest of them I have to fight, to contend with, to help them understand what they might not even be capable of understanding.

I want to stand so strong, I want to be the one people look up too, if not, then atleast be able to look square in the eyes and say, you are an amazing person for what you go through. I need that, probably more than most. Instead, I often, more than not, get misunderstood, frowned upon for either being too emotional, or sappy, or for not being able to comprehend the same way as everyone else. I get dismissed, shunned, overlooked, expected to learn and do the same things as everyone else, I am often misunderstood as being "just like" everyone else, simpy because I don't look mentally ill, there is nothing visibly that says, wow, she's a nut, stay away from her, yet I am treated as if I do. I do try alot of self encouragement, but that is quickly washed away when I see someone, gain, or get more than me.

Best way I can describe it, is like almost being able to reach something and not quite being able to grasp it, its there, I'm reaching, I'm almost touching it, and it just keeps slighly moving away, just enough that I can't touch it, grasp it, grab ahold of it. This people, is my life. I try just as hard as anyone else, I am able to retain, I am able to learn, just not the same way. I have short term memory loss. You will often see my good days and my bad days on here, you will see me question myself, my morals, my beliefs, my self worth. You will see me at my best, and at my worst. I don't consider this self pity, I consider it trying to vent in whatever way is needed, both positive and negative to sort out in my mind what I cannot or have trouble dealing with, it is a theraputic measure, it is all I have to not dwell, stew, or hold onto what needs to be said, done or dealt with. What I say won't always be polite, decent or flow like my poetry can. Sometimes I have to see, here on typed words, right in front of my eyes, to understand whether I really am being a selfish person, a bitter person, a decent person, or an accomplished person. Lately, I have been a selfish, lazy, bitter person, I cannot figure out why...I need to know that, I want to move on from that, I want to use every bit of potential I have, that I do know I possess. I have been shown that, when I earned my brown belt, I was so happy, for once I crossed a barrier I didn't ever think I could. It is just simply TOO DAMN late to turn around now. To give up, to throw all that I worked hard for away, to turn people away that honestly and truly within the deepest of their hearts, cared about me. To detach and walk away from something I held so very dear in my heart. Burning bridges is a very nasty thing...I learned to do this by someone that enjoyed hurting people, someone that latched onto me and didn't let go. Someone that distracted me severely, withered me down to practically nothing. I didn't just lose confidence/trust in everyone else around me, I lost it in myself. I have a very bad habit of mirroring what is around me, people that give me confidence, I often reflect that confidence...people that tear me down, I often reflect that as well. It is a mimicking thing I suppose, yet another trait I wish I didn't have. But it is there, so I suppose my efforts would be best served to surround myself with people that care, that give me confidence, that have that to offer, to give, without expecting things back, to be unconditional once again, I miss that. That was a very good part of me.

Well this one was certainly long enough. I will deem today, that I will spend every last bit of energy I have within me, to stay on a positive track, not relapse, get myself around positive people, step up instead of down, get away from the internet for a while, live my burnt bridges, put forth more effort, get involved in my goals and accomplishments, straighten my ass out, bring up my attitude, not waste another ounce of my energy on things out of my hands and people that intend to bring me down, hurt me, cause distrust, pain and manipulations. Depend on myself the best I can, love my husband, kids, family and Karate friends and family unconditionally, and few close friends that I do have,as they indeed a very big part of who I am today! I simply have to learn somehow, someway,  to try to take responsibility for myself  both good things and bad. The more people that help me pint that through my head the better, hopefully it will become second nature to me, like instinct, like my karate, I would love that.