Wednesday, January 2, 2013

On My Mind


So I'm going a little stir crazy, got a bit of the cabin fever going on. I don't like winter as it is.

hmm..Saw the doctor today..he says cortisol is low again (adrenal fatigue) which has a huge impact on how someone can end up depressed, and in my case can trigger some serious relapses. So thats the bum thing about cortisol. Not so bad of a thing if I can afford the supplement for it. Thats not exactly low in cost.

Now, if I could just get my other doctor to figure out what the lump is in my ribs, let me be reassured that its ok, then I can get back to what I'd like to be doing..cause right now..I'm doing little to nothing and it just aint cutting it and it is rather ironic that I can sit and/or be laying down and pull some awesome motivational thought and planning to all I need to and want to get done, yet...I still sit or lay there get up and go do it...and then...nope..I got nothin.. its rather pitiful. Wow how nice my house would be if I could think it clean:)
That's just it, its like my body will not function along with my brain...its as if its two entirely seperate things. If you had any idea of how I keep saying "ok, now, I gotta get up and finish the laundry"...ok, well it never gets finished, I go down, I put a load in..I wait, I stick it in the dryer, and hey...whalahh, I did some laundry for the day..I look at the dishes and I say...hmmm..those need I go get Kourtney, and I'm like, hey babe, looks like the dishes need done. Guess she aint feeling it either, cause the dishes aint done..My carpets, lets not even go there. I went and got me this new organizer, granted it took alot of effort to simply buy the daggon thing, since Walmart does not know what a true organizer is anymore, you actually have to go buy it I did so, only took me 2 hrs.. within it I got a project book, the other day, I wrote down list after list, one for each room, all the things I'd like to work on throughout the year to remodel each room and such, I got alot of I mark these things as each persons project to work won't believe how many projects I listed for "Dad"...heeehehe...:) but I also am quite interested to see next New Years how many gets done. Oh well, they was good thoughts anyway..haha.
Its like all the motivation is in my head, not in my body. That is what low cortisol does to you, it literally wipes out your energy, makes things 10x as stressful that would be for anyone else..physically you are drained, not much after you are mentally drained, and then all you got left is emotionally...he said, that what happens is that with someone with all the illnesses I have, it easily sets off any of the symptoms I have of various illnesses I suffer from, and there I go, I'm all up in a relapse all over again. Great.
I gather most people don't realize just how common low cortisol is, particularly in women. Stress burns through the cortisol your body makes, hard on your seratonin, your thyroid, all that good stuff. Its all a part of a operational system that keeps us well. Well, my cortisol maker, and thyroid maker and seratonin maker is broke. So my neurotransmitters is all over the place and when that happens, all hell breaks loose in me. I mean thats about the best I could describe it from what I gathered out of him. Its all patterns. Education is the key. To have panic and anxiety disorder, ptsd, bipolar much less the most severe kind...and to have adhd, and visual perception disorder its a wonder Im even able to think of cleaning my house in the first place, but its all good, it was the thought that counts right:)
Anywho, blogging has given me something. An outlet. A way to express, good, bad and comical..ranting, venting...not that its always useful, or productive, but it has helped me atleast feel like someone out there hears me..even if they don't...still..its the thought that counts.
I'm not out there causing trouble for people, I'm not out there shooting places up, I'm not out there doing illegal things,  I'm no Adam Lanza...I cant even see myself doing things like that. Not even to make a point..not even on a whim. Im just not him.
Ive had alot of thoughts since the Sandy Hook massacre, and all of them was to fight harder for those of us that are not Adam Lanza, my friend from MHA-A (Mental Health America-of Augusta) wrote me couple days ago, asked me to take her place in Richmond for legislation. Ironically they placed this Mental Health legislation day the same day as NRA gun toting day. I thought that was pretty coincidental, and honestly I thought at one point, the word "ambush" came to mind, so I kinda hesitated to respond. Guns, Mental illness Advocates..hmmm...yeah, not a great mixture on the same day. However, I also thought..if I'm to speak on front of legislation that day, it is an opportunity not many get to have. If I am to make an impact at all in mental health then I need to step forward and do that. I need to take this opportunity, stand up and let them know. So, I am working hard on what I need to do, to bring to their attention, that could make the greatest impact not only for mental heatlh but for better understanding of how these tragedies and such have a huge impact on mentally ill people as well. And some how, some way, be brief enough not to babble. hmmm..that's gonna take some hard work. Ive never went before legislation before, I know what I need to say, I know what needs to be said, but honestly, I fear that it will all fall on deaf ears. I know what can be done to change things. and make safety a number 1 priority. I have kids, and I cannot ever imagine what I would do if harm came to them because someone decided to let someone have a gun that should not have one, and I'm tired of gun owners being blamed and mentally ill being beaten down by their communities and folks all around the world for something they did not do. I know the systems, procedures, laws, rights, ethics, I am mentally ill, but I am not Adam Lanza.
I will do alot of research before going before them. I will make this a good attempt, and I will do all I can, to help the situation, not make matters worse. The madness just has to stop.

The End.

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