Thursday, January 3, 2013

Today's thoughts

Today, I decided I'm cutting my hair off. I need a new look, hopefully I can get a better attitude with it:)

Speaking of changes, I'm looking to make a bunch of them..not just your general things such as finances, health, all that good New Years type of stuff, but I'm going to try new attitude.

I spent alot of last year down in the dumps, unmotivated, sick, just all around not feeling well. I seem to have noticed that ever since my surgery, things just dont seem the same, can't keep up with my karate, loss of interest, dont go fishing near as much, stopped writing, and instead became super involved in things that kind of distracted me, from being me. My programs began to feel like jobs, participation was pretty low, my ability to function often ran right down with it. Energy gone, eventually, you feel rather...invisible. I hate those invisible years, emotional roller coasters, peace keeping efforts that usually just slapped me right back in the face, or even reaching out to be helpful, and not helping at all. The hard hit reality, that I am not one in a million...I will not be the help they need. Because I have a very hard time being the help I need. I could tell people day and night, of the things I know, you know all the in between the line stuff. It just does no good.
I think sometimes we lose ourselves so much in other peoples lives that we just totally lose our own identity. Its all too easy for that to happen to me. Im impressionable as it is. So it takes little to nothing to land myself in bad situations trying to help, my fearlessness tends to only add more to the problem.
What happens thought when you see your identity in someone else, you become that much more driven.
My thinking may not be like everyone elses. But here is a thought. Ladies, we are all Morgan Harrington.
We were 20 once, we once had that youth and beauty, and we all knew what it felt like to be that age, we all had a wild streak in us about her age...we all got excited to go to things like concerts, especially if it were our favorite band, and if we had the opportunity to go see them, we all would have lived it up as she was trying to do. And if there was alcohol around, don't think for a second we would get our hands on it, thats just part of being 20. My logic may be different, but the way I see it, is Morgan needed someone that night..I needed someone that needed someone that night. Morgan went through what is all of our biggest fears. And now Morgan is me, and she is you, she is all of us ladies. She works through us, all of us..she doesn't let go, she won't let go. She needs us to help her Mom, Dad, and Brother. She is her Mom. Gil is proof of that..because Gil is Morgan too. Everything connects. We determine how she is helped now.
And still. I can't change the way I help, I still can't bring what they need, all I have to offer is what I know. What I learn, What I see for myself, or hear for myself. 

So I'm changing my attitude, because I need to wait for results like everyone else does..if it is meant to come to me, it will.. if it is not meant to be.. then I have helped all I knew how to help.

I can't wait for him to be found. I want so bad for him to be found, he didn't just hurt/murder Morgan, he killed a piece of the rest of us too. I was 20 yrs old when I had my daughter. One of the happiest times of my life. To think he stole that from her, her family, from us..from all the future young ladies that he stalks out there.

Please let 2013 be the year Miss Morgan sees her justice done. That surely is a change I could live with.

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