hmm..well, I have so many of them.
I look at my facebook and you almost cant see one day go by without atleast one post of a missing person.
Begging, pleading for their loved ones to come home safe, alerts from all around the country, I see them coming from practically every state. I'm reminded of Morgan again. I guess if I wasn't so involved in her case it might have been a bit easier to glance and scroll. But I just can't. Not since being involved in the Jennifer Short Case. My heart still aches for her and her family, after having talked to some family members of Jens case, Ive talked to FBI, Ive talked to Sheriffs, you name it Ive talked to them. While I'm pretty certain of what happened, my heart hurts that even the family knows now Jen, Mike, and Mary's killers will not be found. They literally are untraceable. I think knowing that makes me really fight twice as hard for Morgan, not just out of caring, but because I just don't wanna let him get away with this. Naturally the two have nothing in common besides being murder...two different areas of the state, with Jens case, it had proven to be alot of corruption going on, alot of investigational error, the family too pushed very hard for results just as the Harringtons have. I saw that slip away with Jens case, I still have friends from Jens case, and that was nearly 10 yrs ago. But I saw hope slip from their eyes, from their hearts, eventually with ever new police issued released asking for the publics help, I do not want to see this happen to the Harringtons. I know what happened to Jen, it will never make a difference, it breaks my heart. It really does. Bassett doesn't hold a killer like Charlottesville/Fairfax does. Two entirely different issues at hand. VSP didn't mess up Morgans case, it was handled with care, Jen's family didn't have that. Morgans family isn't dealing with a hit, this was far different, Morgans family deals with a predator. There is no other word for him/them...predators. Simple as that, calculated, premeditated, cold hearted, evil predator. Its not to say that someone who makes a hit on someone else's family is not a killer, but they aren't a predator with the goal in mind to plan their attack. One who makes a hit, just comes, kills all and goes. Morgans was so much more tormenting. Even less clues, and we already know he waits to strike another family/girl. Jens, you won't find him/them. Thats pretty much been determined, and in their families eyes, and unfortunately mine now as well, the way it will be. Its not just Morgan though, its Sage, and Lauren, and Bethany, its all those Ive seen for the longest time, with just no answers. I want to blame the police, that's not working, I want to blame why people let this happen, that's not working, I want to blame myself, how come I couldn't help more? WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?? I suddenly see....nothing. I didn't do anything wrong, how can you do something wrong, when there is just nothing you can do to begin with??? You can't help, you can't not help. All we all can do is just keep on hoping, keep on praying, keep on keeping the faith that one time this predator will make a mistake and VSP will put him away for good! I want VSP to get him, I want them to show us we are safe in Virginia. I cannot do the work they do, I cannot even begin to think the way they do, I do try sometimes I will admit that. I don't want to be a police officer, I just want us all safe. I get so mad sometimes, because I see what people can do different, I have great ideas, but you say them and its like no one does it, or its dismissed. Its like standing in a crowd, and your screaming out, and no one looks, no one sees, no one hears...they just keep walking by as if you aren't even there. Thats how I feel alot of times. About Charlottesville alot. I mean it can make me fighting mad cause I can't believe it takes that much effort to get people to see or listen. So yeah, I do get upset, and I get bent out of shape, even fighting mad, I guess when fighting is the only way you have ever been heard before, its the only way you know to be heard.
I think that people need to wake up and smell the roses...coffee..or whatever it is...and understand that these evil people, they will hurt you because that is what they live for, hurting people. They grab you, make you helpless, and will kill you. They don't care if you are a good person, or bad one, or whoever, they just don't care. I may not be good with reality all the time, and I get fearless, and I will give my life anyday over a 20 yr olds, cause I'm old now. I lived my life. I'm 39 and I got no problem saving a 20 yr old even if it means mine. I will go up against a murderer, I will step in between I will guard and protect them. But police should understand something too. You cannot be everywhere all the time. Many don't think about that.. I do.
The more I think about these kids being taken and murdered, the more fight I have in me. Come hell or high water even you will not stop me.
To the murderer, if you are to ever so much as get a glimpse of this, steer clear of me, you do not know who I am, or you may, that doesn't matter to me. If you do, tread easy around me, I'm likely watching you as much as you are watching me...if you don't, you don't wanna come after anyone anywhere remotely close to me, I see you and not only will I step in between but I will make you regret the day you ever even thought about harming a girl. ever...because you will have found the girl to be able to do exactly that.. guaranteed.
I don't take mercy on anyone that hurts a person. Your best option...turn yourself in before I get ahold of you. End of story!
I'm tired of these families having to hurt this way, its best one of these bastards don't cross my path. No one deserves being hurt that way, and no girl deserves to taken and murdered. No one!
To the bastard that took and murdered Morgan, while you are running all over and up and down VA, you self righteous piece of shit, you days are numbered, counting down, tick tock, goes the clock and one day, you will mess up and when you do, which couldn't be quick enough to suit me, you will have to face what you did, you will have to pay, you will face justice for what you did. I can't wait for that day, not for me, but for Morgan, her Mom, her Dad, and her Brother, and by God I hope VSP makes one hell of an example out of you!!
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Coincidences
Ya know, I often felt like something is not right. I mean about this whole Morgan thing. I mean I say Morgan thing not in the sense that it is aggravating to me, but more in the sense as though it just can be downright frustrating. Its so many puzzle pieces, a dream here, a dream there of her, is it what my mind wants to tell me? Is it her trying to tell me? Or is it simply just how bad I want to find her killer?
I don't know, I see so much that is coincidences. Just so much.
Wild wings,
train tracks/station
Sage
their ages
one female, one percieved to be female
What is it about that area that is just taunting me?
Think, think, think.
I have looked into so much of the railway throughout VA that well...it is easy for me to see someone using the railway system to their advantage in a serial murder sort of way. I mean the security aspect on parts of the system are so much tighter, stricter than other portions of the state. The southwestern primarily lacking.
You have an auto train railroad that just runs right up and down the atlantic seaboard. It not only is very relaxing, convenient, but leaves one plenty of room to meander around VA at their free will, if one was to practically live their life on a travel status. Or rather just preferred too. And from what I am noticing, from local sources pretty much, is that this WW Cafe place, is a very common place for those who utilize the railroad system alot.
Takes me back to something someone "the one that shalt not be mentioned"...said.."playing around on the tracks and slipped and fell..couldn't save her"..."did a summersault, in a tumbling sort of way"..."hit her head".."didn't know what to do with her"..."panicked"...these words often play through my mind, though I totally have a lot of disgrace for who told me that, I still never discount anything, my mind just doesn't let me.
Why? Why does someone say that, it was overheard by railroad crew from another state..primarily an atlantic coast state. hmmm...anyone whom works the railway knows how the rail system works. It is policed, but no so much when it comes to subcontracted companies such as Buckingham Branch. They basically are responsible for their own security as they operate and man freight. Passenger trains such as Cardinal...are the ones with the greater security...its kind of like this, UVA tends to the public, patrons..students...so they need UVA police....VRE tends to the public with Railway Police, JPJA is an entertainment "cash cow" so to speak, as is your freight liners, If UVA hires SMG and RMC to manage subcontracted security to tend to the "cash cows", then it means Buckingham Branch is a subcontract to VRE and what little or minute rail security that is needed to move freight from one portion of the state to another is subcontracted as well. So, while there are several different levels of Policing for the railway system in VA, ex..state, local, in house, stations, investigators, intelligence, undercover, k-9 even, the majority of necessary policing for a freight liner out in the boondocks is not as important as say...where your higher populations is. An attack in Fairfax, highly populated, Charlottesville, highly populated, both passenger railway systems, both higher need for Railway police.
Freight only runs certain times, certain days, while Passenger trains all days of the week.
Fairfax and Charlottesville both pivotal points in passenger railway system. Both Fairfax and Charlottesville attacks not far from a train station at all. Practically the same distance, I left this idea alone for a while because when I wiped that fool out of my life, I wiped his idiocy out with it.
Who was this guy from South Carolina because maybe that was something that wasn't exactly an impossible topic to believe. I mean do they have the radio transcript, have they talked to the guys that were discussing this over the radio for the guy to have overheard the conversation. If not, are there a couple of railway workers in our area or had stopped in as the train sat, that was hauling freight or doing work or maintenance that weekend? VSP you have highest authority in this state to enquire, this is not California. After all the QUARRY is right there and as their site states it is still operational. There is no good reason to believe that it couldn't or wouldn't be at all possible to believe that someone is not stalking the railway system and picking victims from it. That is just my thoughts on the manner regarding the railroad system and how it could have been used. Whether or not it was, guess we will never know as long as they don't press into it further.
I don't know, but if people keep missing around or near the railroads, it just might eventually be worth it to look into, in my opinion one was way too many. JMO.
I don't know, I see so much that is coincidences. Just so much.
Wild wings,
train tracks/station
Sage
their ages
one female, one percieved to be female
What is it about that area that is just taunting me?
Think, think, think.
I have looked into so much of the railway throughout VA that well...it is easy for me to see someone using the railway system to their advantage in a serial murder sort of way. I mean the security aspect on parts of the system are so much tighter, stricter than other portions of the state. The southwestern primarily lacking.
You have an auto train railroad that just runs right up and down the atlantic seaboard. It not only is very relaxing, convenient, but leaves one plenty of room to meander around VA at their free will, if one was to practically live their life on a travel status. Or rather just preferred too. And from what I am noticing, from local sources pretty much, is that this WW Cafe place, is a very common place for those who utilize the railroad system alot.
Takes me back to something someone "the one that shalt not be mentioned"...said.."playing around on the tracks and slipped and fell..couldn't save her"..."did a summersault, in a tumbling sort of way"..."hit her head".."didn't know what to do with her"..."panicked"...these words often play through my mind, though I totally have a lot of disgrace for who told me that, I still never discount anything, my mind just doesn't let me.
Why? Why does someone say that, it was overheard by railroad crew from another state..primarily an atlantic coast state. hmmm...anyone whom works the railway knows how the rail system works. It is policed, but no so much when it comes to subcontracted companies such as Buckingham Branch. They basically are responsible for their own security as they operate and man freight. Passenger trains such as Cardinal...are the ones with the greater security...its kind of like this, UVA tends to the public, patrons..students...so they need UVA police....VRE tends to the public with Railway Police, JPJA is an entertainment "cash cow" so to speak, as is your freight liners, If UVA hires SMG and RMC to manage subcontracted security to tend to the "cash cows", then it means Buckingham Branch is a subcontract to VRE and what little or minute rail security that is needed to move freight from one portion of the state to another is subcontracted as well. So, while there are several different levels of Policing for the railway system in VA, ex..state, local, in house, stations, investigators, intelligence, undercover, k-9 even, the majority of necessary policing for a freight liner out in the boondocks is not as important as say...where your higher populations is. An attack in Fairfax, highly populated, Charlottesville, highly populated, both passenger railway systems, both higher need for Railway police.
Freight only runs certain times, certain days, while Passenger trains all days of the week.
Fairfax and Charlottesville both pivotal points in passenger railway system. Both Fairfax and Charlottesville attacks not far from a train station at all. Practically the same distance, I left this idea alone for a while because when I wiped that fool out of my life, I wiped his idiocy out with it.
Who was this guy from South Carolina because maybe that was something that wasn't exactly an impossible topic to believe. I mean do they have the radio transcript, have they talked to the guys that were discussing this over the radio for the guy to have overheard the conversation. If not, are there a couple of railway workers in our area or had stopped in as the train sat, that was hauling freight or doing work or maintenance that weekend? VSP you have highest authority in this state to enquire, this is not California. After all the QUARRY is right there and as their site states it is still operational. There is no good reason to believe that it couldn't or wouldn't be at all possible to believe that someone is not stalking the railway system and picking victims from it. That is just my thoughts on the manner regarding the railroad system and how it could have been used. Whether or not it was, guess we will never know as long as they don't press into it further.
I don't know, but if people keep missing around or near the railroads, it just might eventually be worth it to look into, in my opinion one was way too many. JMO.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Forensic Astrology
Well, I have learned a thing or two about astrology...be careful where you poke around.
I spent the last 3 days involved in deciphering a composite chart reference point. This takes 2 people's birth signs/charts of a particular date and time..combines them and it shows you how and when they met and the type of relationship between the two.
If you are not careful you learn WAYYYY too much. I went into it with honest intentions and came out of it at a point where I was afraid to go much further. I tried this chart two different ways to be sure. And both ways yielded the same results. It also brought out in me something I didn't realize was there. A little on the uncomfortable side yet at the same time contentment.
Alot of people were on the mark with what they either interpreted themselves, learned themselves or decided for themselves.
There is one problem. There are many downsides to this chart than I wanted to see regarding both birth signs. And I'm afraid to reveal them now.. I have to one source, and regretted it already, and I didn't even get to some of the most important aspects of it yet.
I have abilities ones I wish I didn't.
I read, studied and continuously went through a 316 page book as I worked this chart. And for nothing. I saw things happening before my very eyes in very vivid detail, could do nothing but watch, and absorb what it had to tell me/show me. And now I'm afraid to share it. Because you eventually get so sick of being the one that everyone wants to hear from but only when its something they are interested to know. They just don't get it.
I know people worry about me..but they have to understand, I will tell them if I am not well. I have been perfectly well through this and they still don't want to hear it.
These two individuals did meet up..and it was not good. The reason I know this chart is correct...because it displayed and told and showed every detail from the moment she left her house.
And he does indeed work at Universities. There are details that cannot be ignored as to just how correct they are.
I truly wish the other forensic astrologists would thoroughly explore these charts before entering them into public display as examples of what they know about tragic situations. They have misled, by only reading into planetary position...there is far more than that to explore, believe me I found it.
Next time try looking into the windows..the gaps, the nooks and crannies. You would be surprised what you know then.
I'm no expert on charts by any means. Ive not worked on charts for years at a time, Ive not done any large amount of time reading chart after chart. My mind doesn't need too.
Ive done one, and likely will be the only one I'll ever do now.
I'm not in the mood to deal with skeptics. I needed someone to take what I worked on for 3 days seriously. I will not get that. Not everyone that asks you if your ok, has good intentions to you.
She is stubborn enough, that is the nature of her sign, it is proof enough that she will not rest until he is caught. Guaranteed.
I gotcha back black onyx.
I spent the last 3 days involved in deciphering a composite chart reference point. This takes 2 people's birth signs/charts of a particular date and time..combines them and it shows you how and when they met and the type of relationship between the two.
If you are not careful you learn WAYYYY too much. I went into it with honest intentions and came out of it at a point where I was afraid to go much further. I tried this chart two different ways to be sure. And both ways yielded the same results. It also brought out in me something I didn't realize was there. A little on the uncomfortable side yet at the same time contentment.
Alot of people were on the mark with what they either interpreted themselves, learned themselves or decided for themselves.
There is one problem. There are many downsides to this chart than I wanted to see regarding both birth signs. And I'm afraid to reveal them now.. I have to one source, and regretted it already, and I didn't even get to some of the most important aspects of it yet.
I have abilities ones I wish I didn't.
I read, studied and continuously went through a 316 page book as I worked this chart. And for nothing. I saw things happening before my very eyes in very vivid detail, could do nothing but watch, and absorb what it had to tell me/show me. And now I'm afraid to share it. Because you eventually get so sick of being the one that everyone wants to hear from but only when its something they are interested to know. They just don't get it.
I know people worry about me..but they have to understand, I will tell them if I am not well. I have been perfectly well through this and they still don't want to hear it.
These two individuals did meet up..and it was not good. The reason I know this chart is correct...because it displayed and told and showed every detail from the moment she left her house.
And he does indeed work at Universities. There are details that cannot be ignored as to just how correct they are.
I truly wish the other forensic astrologists would thoroughly explore these charts before entering them into public display as examples of what they know about tragic situations. They have misled, by only reading into planetary position...there is far more than that to explore, believe me I found it.
Next time try looking into the windows..the gaps, the nooks and crannies. You would be surprised what you know then.
I'm no expert on charts by any means. Ive not worked on charts for years at a time, Ive not done any large amount of time reading chart after chart. My mind doesn't need too.
Ive done one, and likely will be the only one I'll ever do now.
I'm not in the mood to deal with skeptics. I needed someone to take what I worked on for 3 days seriously. I will not get that. Not everyone that asks you if your ok, has good intentions to you.
She is stubborn enough, that is the nature of her sign, it is proof enough that she will not rest until he is caught. Guaranteed.
I gotcha back black onyx.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Reciprocate
verb (used with object)
1.
to give, feel, etc., in return.
2.
3.
to cause to move alternately backward and forward.
verb (used without object)
4.
to make a return, as for something given.
5.
to make interchange.
6.
to be correspondent.
7.
to move alternately backward and forward.
00:08
Reciprocateis one of our favorite verbs.
So is skedaddle. Does it mean:
| to run away hurriedly; flee. |
| chat, to converse |
Origin:
1605–15; < Latin reciprocātus past participle of reciprocāre to move back and forth. See reciprocal, -ate1
1605–15; < Latin reciprocātus past participle of reciprocāre to move back and forth. See reciprocal, -ate1
Related forms
re·cip·ro·ca·tor, noun
non·re·cip·ro·cat·ing, adjective
un·re·cip·ro·cat·ed, adjective
un·re·cip·ro·cat·ing, adjective
Synonyms
1. return, respond, retaliate.
1. return, respond, retaliate.
Example Sentences
- Establishing strong relationships requires that program staff initiate and reciprocate.
- Accordingly, it is strongly recommended that if a seller pays for an activity that the buyer reciprocate.
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Every now and then I like to bring to light a word that people don't often think about.
This is one that some should learn.
This is a word that my mind doesn't understand when someone doesn't reciprocate things.
Through my illness this word was something pounded into me religiously, because I wouldn't learn to open up and speak. I didn't learn how valuable this word really is until I encounter someone who doesn't know what it means, and so I can't process in my mind how people can be this way.
It can easily stress me out to no end to be expected in my life by my doctors and therapists or whatever..to reciprocate to others..but then when I expect that of others and it isn't given, I just don't know what to think...I can't process it. I'm frozen because there is no explanation, there is no reason..there is nothing. It is an unacceptable in my head to think something is what it is and there is no reason behind it, when everything has a reason. If I do not reciprocate then my husband worries, friends worry, therapists or counselors worry..everyone in my life worries.
When people don't reciprocate with me, I feel lost, begin to try to rationalize something I can't..but I will never stop trying too. Because...I can't is the same thing as I give up. Ive always been told that.
People say let it go...to me..let it go means give up. That is quitting...I don't and won't quit.
My mind doesn't process the same as others..its like saying..." I care about you but you are getting on my nerves"...this is how my mind works.
If you make a statement like I care about you...then say but you are getting on my nerves, that single word...but...just canceled out the first portion of that sentence. All I am able to process, is the "your getting on my nerves" part..which is a judgement. You have put the feeling before the truth. It is human nature for honesty to come last. Its like something bad happening..you get through that bad time then BOOM the truth. OUCH!
You can always tell, who reads just the first part of an email, or the last part of an email, the ones who like you, read the first part...those who tolerate you...read just the last part..those who read the whole damn thing and reciprocate...those are real treasures...they are the ones really listening to you, the ones that really care.
Nah, people don't need to be worried about my illness...worry more about my intelligence..I don't process things too good sometimes..that is true...but I am seriously far from dumb!
Thoughts
My mind has been on a spinning wheel for a while, it doesn't slow down much. Not most times. I always been a rapid thinker. I don't like that really not much at all.
I feel like it pushes people away from me. I mean, I am able to come to idea and conclusion so much quicker than most people. Eventually you can tell what other people feel before they even speak to you. I often don't know why I ask people how they feel about something when I already know what they are going to say.
My whole life is like that vivid dream that you have of something happening and you wake up go on about your day and what you dreamed actually happens or comes true. Too many times has it come true for me, that people wonder why I am so inclined to follow what I believe. Naturally, I have more faith in my intuitions that most do, that part is understandable. But to repeatedly see the same dream come true, eventually, despite the fact that others refuse to see...you KNOW it is going to come true, you just can't pin point it to a specific day. If we could, we could stop murderers before they happened..theives before they steal..liars before they lie...betrayars from betraying.
I have the power to channel, most don't know what that is, most see it as a curse, I have often times thought the same. Most don't even know what kind of power that can hold, and how exhausting it can be. Most have so many misconceptions regarding the issue. Most wouldn't have a clue about how to handle such things. I didn't either honestly. Unfortunately I don't get that choice.
I'm not special, I'm about sick and tired of being special. My kind of special..really isn't special, its a nuisance..for them and for me. I can feel so alone in my own world/environment sometimes, and its phenomenally amazing how I can read or hear someone say " I'm here for you"...and instantly know whether it is genuine, or passive.
Ive detached alot here recently, as I've spent two weeks seriously sick and one week battling my illness in such a way that my previous post truly peaked a pivotal moment in my state of psychosis..
Embarassing, you better believe it! I had to go back over several emails, and several texts to figure out what the heck went wrong and how many I affected. I didn't feel it coming on, as usual, but I did see I targeted someone.
Most of us that have psychosis, as a part of our illnesses, when we aren't doing so well, whatever is hurting us at the time, becomes our target. A target is the point of breaking and inevitably becomes the basis of our obsession at that point in time.
For example, for some..it is religion, music, someone in the family, someone we may feel threatened by, or whatever emotions they were trying to deal with before breaking point. It goes from normal conversation, to complete reality loss. If it is scary for you...imagine how it must be for us. Not to mention we have to deal with later realizing just how bad it was.
I have an illness folks. Its not a pretty one, I tell the officers I speak to all the time, about these things. I leave nothing out, the raw detail placed right before them, to include things like this. I have had to learn to be honest and most people can't handle that..those that can, are true treasures to have..
Ive discovered that the target I unfortunately picked in my episode, apparently was honestly no true friend...not that he wasn't a friend...just not a true friend. This was his choice. Looking back over everything, I was truly not within reality, and people probably had every right to pick up the phone to my doctor and have a word or two with him. My husband helped bring me back out of it, though it took a good bit of sleep/resting. I literally became afraid to move out of my bed for atleast two days.
I texted friends that had time to respond.
Inevitably, my mission is to survive this hell, being as positive a person as I can be, with or without my targets help. I do suppose he lives a hell all his own. I have no right to judge his hell, but only to survive my own.
Ive been detached too much here lately, but purposefully so. I am withdrawn, but purposefully so.
I just don't want to be special...a channeler...I feel like I need to be out of the way..I very few friends that I can count on one hand that are my true friends aside from family...that have been loyal to me for years. I think I will stick with them.
I will not post anymore to fb other than to share a inspirational picture here or there. Its there, and it can sit there. Other than that I have no use for it.
I will post here. Since only my one friend follows me and understands me...I always, ALWAYS, love her advice, whether I want to hear it or not, she is ALWAYS real with me, she knows when I am well, when I'm not well, she makes time for me, she listens to me, she HEARS me. Many times was there when no one else was, more times than I can count. This was never TEMPORARY helping to her, she took me on as a friend and family, because she authentically and genuinely cared.
Some may shake their head...sigh..maybe even giggle...thinking or uttering...calling her nothing more than a babysitter...to that I say, FUCK YOU! Take a seat... watch... and learn bitch, cause that right there, is a REAL friend!
Yeah, those are my thoughts at this moment, people take others for granted..they just shouldn't. My target is gone now. And I don't miss him. I'm doing pretty good without him.
I feel like it pushes people away from me. I mean, I am able to come to idea and conclusion so much quicker than most people. Eventually you can tell what other people feel before they even speak to you. I often don't know why I ask people how they feel about something when I already know what they are going to say.
My whole life is like that vivid dream that you have of something happening and you wake up go on about your day and what you dreamed actually happens or comes true. Too many times has it come true for me, that people wonder why I am so inclined to follow what I believe. Naturally, I have more faith in my intuitions that most do, that part is understandable. But to repeatedly see the same dream come true, eventually, despite the fact that others refuse to see...you KNOW it is going to come true, you just can't pin point it to a specific day. If we could, we could stop murderers before they happened..theives before they steal..liars before they lie...betrayars from betraying.
I have the power to channel, most don't know what that is, most see it as a curse, I have often times thought the same. Most don't even know what kind of power that can hold, and how exhausting it can be. Most have so many misconceptions regarding the issue. Most wouldn't have a clue about how to handle such things. I didn't either honestly. Unfortunately I don't get that choice.
I'm not special, I'm about sick and tired of being special. My kind of special..really isn't special, its a nuisance..for them and for me. I can feel so alone in my own world/environment sometimes, and its phenomenally amazing how I can read or hear someone say " I'm here for you"...and instantly know whether it is genuine, or passive.
Ive detached alot here recently, as I've spent two weeks seriously sick and one week battling my illness in such a way that my previous post truly peaked a pivotal moment in my state of psychosis..
Embarassing, you better believe it! I had to go back over several emails, and several texts to figure out what the heck went wrong and how many I affected. I didn't feel it coming on, as usual, but I did see I targeted someone.
Most of us that have psychosis, as a part of our illnesses, when we aren't doing so well, whatever is hurting us at the time, becomes our target. A target is the point of breaking and inevitably becomes the basis of our obsession at that point in time.
For example, for some..it is religion, music, someone in the family, someone we may feel threatened by, or whatever emotions they were trying to deal with before breaking point. It goes from normal conversation, to complete reality loss. If it is scary for you...imagine how it must be for us. Not to mention we have to deal with later realizing just how bad it was.
I have an illness folks. Its not a pretty one, I tell the officers I speak to all the time, about these things. I leave nothing out, the raw detail placed right before them, to include things like this. I have had to learn to be honest and most people can't handle that..those that can, are true treasures to have..
Ive discovered that the target I unfortunately picked in my episode, apparently was honestly no true friend...not that he wasn't a friend...just not a true friend. This was his choice. Looking back over everything, I was truly not within reality, and people probably had every right to pick up the phone to my doctor and have a word or two with him. My husband helped bring me back out of it, though it took a good bit of sleep/resting. I literally became afraid to move out of my bed for atleast two days.
I texted friends that had time to respond.
Inevitably, my mission is to survive this hell, being as positive a person as I can be, with or without my targets help. I do suppose he lives a hell all his own. I have no right to judge his hell, but only to survive my own.
Ive been detached too much here lately, but purposefully so. I am withdrawn, but purposefully so.
I just don't want to be special...a channeler...I feel like I need to be out of the way..I very few friends that I can count on one hand that are my true friends aside from family...that have been loyal to me for years. I think I will stick with them.
I will not post anymore to fb other than to share a inspirational picture here or there. Its there, and it can sit there. Other than that I have no use for it.
I will post here. Since only my one friend follows me and understands me...I always, ALWAYS, love her advice, whether I want to hear it or not, she is ALWAYS real with me, she knows when I am well, when I'm not well, she makes time for me, she listens to me, she HEARS me. Many times was there when no one else was, more times than I can count. This was never TEMPORARY helping to her, she took me on as a friend and family, because she authentically and genuinely cared.
Some may shake their head...sigh..maybe even giggle...thinking or uttering...calling her nothing more than a babysitter...to that I say, FUCK YOU! Take a seat... watch... and learn bitch, cause that right there, is a REAL friend!
Yeah, those are my thoughts at this moment, people take others for granted..they just shouldn't. My target is gone now. And I don't miss him. I'm doing pretty good without him.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
COPS
they are evil.
they burn smoke in daylight
they rot because they are melons of the beach
they are not smart
like they think they are
they lie
i don'[t trust them now
they hate me
i see thery ghost and they will go to hell
we feel their vioces and its ice
adn on on fire
they are lies
they are not smart
they decieve and they lie
they don't feel
doctorsareliarstoo
they don['t protect and she wasgood
Morgan knows someone will join her
adn thy will let her die too
the answers re in the house ofmusic
hewas suppose to protect her and he failed
his help was the camera
that lether out the door
and the killer knew the drill
adn he watches anohter girl right now
they will not protect her'
they will let her die
and i told them so
Itold them all
and thekilled hertoo
he willnot be gotten
because the protecteer is the killer.
I told them so.
ifthe killer is the protefctor
only the killergets protected.
and another one will die
they burn smoke in daylight
they rot because they are melons of the beach
they are not smart
like they think they are
they lie
i don'[t trust them now
they hate me
i see thery ghost and they will go to hell
we feel their vioces and its ice
adn on on fire
they are lies
they are not smart
they decieve and they lie
they don't feel
doctorsareliarstoo
they don['t protect and she wasgood
Morgan knows someone will join her
adn thy will let her die too
the answers re in the house ofmusic
hewas suppose to protect her and he failed
his help was the camera
that lether out the door
and the killer knew the drill
adn he watches anohter girl right now
they will not protect her'
they will let her die
and i told them so
Itold them all
and thekilled hertoo
he willnot be gotten
because the protecteer is the killer.
I told them so.
ifthe killer is the protefctor
only the killergets protected.
and another one will die
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Today
I mentioned before I would express from time to time how I'm doing and how I feel.
Today, no I don't feel so well. Due to the case, I am extremely not well.
I've analyzed, tried to understand in different ways than I am used to thinking.
I'm empty.
I do not understand the way people thinks, much less of how they think of me. This confuses me most.
I do my best not to panic, be paranoid, be oversensitive, or judgemental. Yet everyone sees or thinks I am being those things.
I think often that people just tolerate me. They want to keep me calm, yet they aren't. I see things before me that they can't possibly see. Whispers of " I hear what your saying..but..." haunt my mind at this point. They really don't HEAR what I'm saying. Or atleast I don't feel that way.
Their minds processes to collect one thing at a time and analyze that, and move along, analyzing things piece by piece, until something fits. My mind does not do that. My mind collects everything since the day I began this journey with them, every single detail. My mind operates several pieces of a puzzle at the same time.
I'm tired now, I'm tired of smooth talkings, tired of passiveness, tired of inconsiderations, tired of encouragements to tell or show things, because I will not be truly heard anyway, I'm tired of charades, tired of games both physical and emotional. I'm sick of when I offer something to certain branches of LE that pick up the phone and call another branch of LE that I certainly didn't trust to start with, to ask about ME, not the info I gave, but ME.
I see the pattern, have seen it for a long time, I get the same damn passive treatment every single time.
And they didn't think I was smart enough to catch on.
Yeah, I made friends, I made good friends, I made friends that knew whatever I found would never go anywhere. Maybe they should ask themselves...would they have wanted done that way?
I'm going to empty my trash can. I'm going to do what everyone has been hinting for me to do. Move on. It was getting old living in someone else's life anyway.
Chances are, if you aren't believed in, you were never believed in the first place, unfortunately I cared too much to let go, I cared too much to want to believe that was really happening.
I'm sick to my stomach, I have a headache, I can't eat right, I truly could fade away, but it would be the FIRST time in this whole situation, I can honestly say, I just don't care now.
Today, no I don't feel so well. Due to the case, I am extremely not well.
I've analyzed, tried to understand in different ways than I am used to thinking.
I'm empty.
I do not understand the way people thinks, much less of how they think of me. This confuses me most.
I do my best not to panic, be paranoid, be oversensitive, or judgemental. Yet everyone sees or thinks I am being those things.
I think often that people just tolerate me. They want to keep me calm, yet they aren't. I see things before me that they can't possibly see. Whispers of " I hear what your saying..but..." haunt my mind at this point. They really don't HEAR what I'm saying. Or atleast I don't feel that way.
Their minds processes to collect one thing at a time and analyze that, and move along, analyzing things piece by piece, until something fits. My mind does not do that. My mind collects everything since the day I began this journey with them, every single detail. My mind operates several pieces of a puzzle at the same time.
I'm tired now, I'm tired of smooth talkings, tired of passiveness, tired of inconsiderations, tired of encouragements to tell or show things, because I will not be truly heard anyway, I'm tired of charades, tired of games both physical and emotional. I'm sick of when I offer something to certain branches of LE that pick up the phone and call another branch of LE that I certainly didn't trust to start with, to ask about ME, not the info I gave, but ME.
I see the pattern, have seen it for a long time, I get the same damn passive treatment every single time.
And they didn't think I was smart enough to catch on.
Yeah, I made friends, I made good friends, I made friends that knew whatever I found would never go anywhere. Maybe they should ask themselves...would they have wanted done that way?
I'm going to empty my trash can. I'm going to do what everyone has been hinting for me to do. Move on. It was getting old living in someone else's life anyway.
Chances are, if you aren't believed in, you were never believed in the first place, unfortunately I cared too much to let go, I cared too much to want to believe that was really happening.
I'm sick to my stomach, I have a headache, I can't eat right, I truly could fade away, but it would be the FIRST time in this whole situation, I can honestly say, I just don't care now.
Long Time No See
Wow, its been a while since I was here.
In a sense I'm surprised that I returned, pause...no I'm not.
Most people have some kind of outlet, I don't. Not at this point in time, because all I want to do at this moment, is fade away.
I'm not sure I want to be a "helpful" person anymore. I mean face it, the maze is long and windy, you get a few friends here, a few friends there..you get attached and I think that word itself has a curse to it.
The attachment hurts the most. Its not bad as long as there is forewarning that there can be no attachment, however, without that warning it can be akin to sticking a knife in someones back and twisting and turning until there is nothing left but a big gaping hole.
I feel stupid. Stupid to trust, stupid to care, stupid to learn, stupid for trying, stupid for trying to make a difference, ultimately stupid for wasting their time. All the hurt, crying, risks, worries, making sure's, the double checking, the panic, the paranoia, the dreams, relentless dreams. Facts aren't enough, hearing isn't enough, seeing isn't enough, words aren't enough..maybe I am just not enough.
What was I suppose to think?
Do people really think I didn't know I was talked about?
Do they think I wouldn't know?
Do they think at all?
Am I really the only one that dwells on helping a family and LE find who did this?
Am I the only one with the unhealthy practice of taking on too much?
Am I supposed to honestly sit back and continue to "take one for the team"?
These questions await answers...and to the tune of crickets I wait.
In a sense I'm surprised that I returned, pause...no I'm not.
Most people have some kind of outlet, I don't. Not at this point in time, because all I want to do at this moment, is fade away.
I'm not sure I want to be a "helpful" person anymore. I mean face it, the maze is long and windy, you get a few friends here, a few friends there..you get attached and I think that word itself has a curse to it.
The attachment hurts the most. Its not bad as long as there is forewarning that there can be no attachment, however, without that warning it can be akin to sticking a knife in someones back and twisting and turning until there is nothing left but a big gaping hole.
I feel stupid. Stupid to trust, stupid to care, stupid to learn, stupid for trying, stupid for trying to make a difference, ultimately stupid for wasting their time. All the hurt, crying, risks, worries, making sure's, the double checking, the panic, the paranoia, the dreams, relentless dreams. Facts aren't enough, hearing isn't enough, seeing isn't enough, words aren't enough..maybe I am just not enough.
What was I suppose to think?
Do people really think I didn't know I was talked about?
Do they think I wouldn't know?
Do they think at all?
Am I really the only one that dwells on helping a family and LE find who did this?
Am I the only one with the unhealthy practice of taking on too much?
Am I supposed to honestly sit back and continue to "take one for the team"?
These questions await answers...and to the tune of crickets I wait.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
The Time
Well, the time is coming, tomorrow I begin my CIT training. I am nervous because I will have to work up close and personal with officers of the law, both county and city from various jurisdictions. As well as other mental health workers.
I will be having a look into what it is like for them. I will learn the various things they have been through with the mentally ill. I will have to see just how "human" they really are. Likewise, they will have to see the same with me. I know I am not guarded. I know I will be talking to some that may likely always see the mentally ill (me) as just another "wacko", or "nut job"...it will linger in my mind, are they just listening, or are they truly hearing me? Are they just walking through these steps because they "have" too, or because they want too?
And of course, the last question...Am I doing this all for nothing?
It is like walking into a bees nest for me, it isn't a question of if I will get stung, it is a matter of how many times?
I know why I am there. I know what I need to do.
Tomorrow will be quite the test, because not only am I to go in there an participate with everyone else as a unit, but I also near the end of the day, have to stand up and tell my story to all my classmates. This won't be easy because it can set me up for what to expect out of them the rest of the week. This will make the either/or moment. I will either be accepted, or shunned. I really am hoping for the accepted part.
One of the biggest problems the mentally ill face, especially with law enforcement, is being judged. We have come to expect that from them. It is basically the same stereotyping they do to us. I hope for that to end one day as well. It is like reverse racism, racism, only creates more racism, that logic follows anything hateful/hurtful. If it is wrong for one side, it is wrong for all.
Maybe this is why I find it so difficult to choose sides...because I see both the best and worst of both. And I have found it to be unproductive to choose sides. I see the bigger picture with most everything, sometimes instantly. Before anyone else gets too. It tends to come with the territory of being a person who lives between both lines everyday.
I want to be helpful to them, not a hinderance. I want to pass this class, I want to show to them it is meant to be..that we just needed to work together.
I will be having a look into what it is like for them. I will learn the various things they have been through with the mentally ill. I will have to see just how "human" they really are. Likewise, they will have to see the same with me. I know I am not guarded. I know I will be talking to some that may likely always see the mentally ill (me) as just another "wacko", or "nut job"...it will linger in my mind, are they just listening, or are they truly hearing me? Are they just walking through these steps because they "have" too, or because they want too?
And of course, the last question...Am I doing this all for nothing?
It is like walking into a bees nest for me, it isn't a question of if I will get stung, it is a matter of how many times?
I know why I am there. I know what I need to do.
Tomorrow will be quite the test, because not only am I to go in there an participate with everyone else as a unit, but I also near the end of the day, have to stand up and tell my story to all my classmates. This won't be easy because it can set me up for what to expect out of them the rest of the week. This will make the either/or moment. I will either be accepted, or shunned. I really am hoping for the accepted part.
One of the biggest problems the mentally ill face, especially with law enforcement, is being judged. We have come to expect that from them. It is basically the same stereotyping they do to us. I hope for that to end one day as well. It is like reverse racism, racism, only creates more racism, that logic follows anything hateful/hurtful. If it is wrong for one side, it is wrong for all.
Maybe this is why I find it so difficult to choose sides...because I see both the best and worst of both. And I have found it to be unproductive to choose sides. I see the bigger picture with most everything, sometimes instantly. Before anyone else gets too. It tends to come with the territory of being a person who lives between both lines everyday.
I want to be helpful to them, not a hinderance. I want to pass this class, I want to show to them it is meant to be..that we just needed to work together.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
C.I.T. Classes
I found out yesterday that I will be participating in C.I.T. classes beginning next week. I am pretty excited to do this. I had been only participating on the level of going and telling my story to Law Enforcement, Fire, and Rescue, and various other Court Service Representatives, and Mental Health Services/Advocates. But it was decided that I was able to actually take the classes, becoming officially certified, by training, through the C.I.T internship which will be a vigorous 40 hour class starting next week. I think it is pretty awesome I have come so far in my recovery that I am deemed capable of handling the course.
This probably won't be a very easy task for me particularly, as I learn differently but I am willing to give it my best shot, personally its the legal stuff that will probably set me back a bit. I will get a close up view of how things are handled on the legal end.
It will feel awkward in a sense though, that I will come to know, procedures of how I were to be handled should I relapse, right within my own community. The tricks of the trade so to speak. I say awkward because, in the event I relapse, I don't know if this training would be a good thing or a bad thing, as it could go either way. I am wishing for the positive side and they would help me remember and use it as a DBT type of help for me. I don't want this class to be something I think about when I'm not well and they regret having allowed me the opportunity to participate in this. I do feel comfortable learning it, and I do feel the need to be responsible with the knowledge I will gain from it.
Funny thing is, what am I gonna do with it once I learn it? It will be nice to have, nice to be certified, but it will make me feel like I need to use it in some way. Its like training or having training for a particular job field but yet you aren't going to work in the job your training for..haha. It is peculiar, but oh well, I'm game.
I do wonder also, am I going to be the first multi diagnosed severely mentally ill patient with this type of extensive training in Crisis Intervention? If not, then good, if so, that it is just spectacular, it truly means a change in the right direction as far as bringing down stereotyping and stigma. One of the things I have fought so hard for. I feel like I have made so many accomplishments, and even though I haven't exactly completed this one just yet, I look over everything that I have accomplished and I am literally floored. I am not sure whether it is my free spirit and fight, or if it is simply dumb luck, but whatever it is, I will take it!! :)
This probably won't be a very easy task for me particularly, as I learn differently but I am willing to give it my best shot, personally its the legal stuff that will probably set me back a bit. I will get a close up view of how things are handled on the legal end.
It will feel awkward in a sense though, that I will come to know, procedures of how I were to be handled should I relapse, right within my own community. The tricks of the trade so to speak. I say awkward because, in the event I relapse, I don't know if this training would be a good thing or a bad thing, as it could go either way. I am wishing for the positive side and they would help me remember and use it as a DBT type of help for me. I don't want this class to be something I think about when I'm not well and they regret having allowed me the opportunity to participate in this. I do feel comfortable learning it, and I do feel the need to be responsible with the knowledge I will gain from it.
Funny thing is, what am I gonna do with it once I learn it? It will be nice to have, nice to be certified, but it will make me feel like I need to use it in some way. Its like training or having training for a particular job field but yet you aren't going to work in the job your training for..haha. It is peculiar, but oh well, I'm game.
I do wonder also, am I going to be the first multi diagnosed severely mentally ill patient with this type of extensive training in Crisis Intervention? If not, then good, if so, that it is just spectacular, it truly means a change in the right direction as far as bringing down stereotyping and stigma. One of the things I have fought so hard for. I feel like I have made so many accomplishments, and even though I haven't exactly completed this one just yet, I look over everything that I have accomplished and I am literally floored. I am not sure whether it is my free spirit and fight, or if it is simply dumb luck, but whatever it is, I will take it!! :)
Monday, January 30, 2012
Prescriptions and Procedures
OMG!! If I have to take another stinkin pill in a days time, I'm gonna explode..haha.
In prescription, I take 7.5 pills a day, in Supplemental, I take 25 pills a day. Overall, I'm taking 32.5 pills a day...that's crazy!
I wrote a poem years ago, called Pills of Illusion, I had written it based on being angry, because I had finally seen what all this medicine was...superficial. It was probably the moment I had to contend with that opened my eyes to the fact that there truly was no cure for this.These meds, they are nothing more than a band aid, a maintenance for a medical/mental condition that will never have a cure. That reality, totally sucks.
I actually took some big risks, I mean pretty bad risks...I had gotten fed up...decided I was going to take the bull by the horns, and in my rough and tough, don't mess with this nature...I stopped them all! I gave them up, I was cured!! Or so I thought, haha. Whooohooo! I was strollin along, thinkin, "I got this boys"!! Oh wow, was I soo soo very wrong. I made it, for like a year and a half...that would be right about the time I got tested, wow a months worth of vigorous testings...I recall I had the attitude of.."nah nah nah nah, can't touch this!" Well folks, that totally backfired on me.
I had originally went to this neuropsychologist to prove just how much there WASN'T wrong with me..that all these years them docs were lying about me. I mean seriously, they had me diagnosed with just about everything out there to include schitzoaffective disorder, and so very many others. Even had me on just about every single med out there, and was about to at last resort, put me on chlozaril, and for anyone who knows what medicine that is, it literally destroys your immune system, it could kill you. You so much as catch a cold while taking that stuff and boom, your down, and likely might not survive.
Well, come to find out I was right...and quite wrong at the same time. At the point after testings, and referred to the current psychiatrist, I was told, I was literally a genuine walking ticking time bomb. Wasn't exactly the best news of the year as I had been in denial for quite some time and believed that I had not a thing wrong with me, I figured, I look normal, I act normal (most of the time)...so it was a bit depressing to be proven wrong. I did however learn, that schitzoaffective disorder, is a diagnosis often given, when they just can't figure out what the hell is wrong with ya...sweeeet! Well that certainly did explain the long list of diagnosis I had then. That part initially, wasn't too bad to hear, because atleast that meant I was on the right road to figure out what truly was wrong, get the right answers finally to get the right meds and no longer put up with the hell I had been through, being thrown in this facility and that facility, being given this med, going through this adverse side effect, and that one, and this allergic reaction...the worst by far was the anaphylaxis, that totally was not cool!
I wasn't however prepared to hear that I truly was bipolar, I really wanted to let that one go too. The others, like the panic and anxiety, yes, I could accept that, my car accident, and PTSD, all that was pretty explainable...the ADD certainly threw me for a loop, but I could see how it wouldn't be that far fetched, now the other two...the Visual Perception Disorder, and the Dissociative Disorder...those two, I hadn't even heard of, while it explained alot, I kind of wanted to push those away. Nothing can be done at all for the visual perception disorder because it basically means, I am both right and left brain dominant, the problem with this is that it generally is diagnosed as a child, and I believe I was diagnosed with it at age 35. Was far too late for correction as it is a learning issue...it means, I would have to relearn everything I ever have to conform with the same way others learn, basically, impossible, I have adapted in my own ways. I had too. Most don't understand this condition because it is so rare. I am able to learn both ways, by sight and audio/verbal, however, I am not able to learn with the two together. I can listen and learn, I can see and learn, but I cannot learn by both hearing and seeing. One side of the brain sends off these little electrical signals for hearing, the other side for visual...being I am both left and right brain dominant, when I hear and see at the same time, they fire off at the same time, one gets cut out, which means I cannot react the same. I can hardly watch someone who talks and moves their hands at the same time..I can do the same thing..talk with my hands...as they call it...but I cannot watch someone else do that....this causes me problems in my karate...because I literally have to focus on one or the other. I will often have problems performing my kata's because music is playing, unless I can tone it out. Lastly dissociative disorder...this had become an issue when I started relapsing, I'd been through some horrific hospital visits which resulted in traumatic situations, which indeed resulted in dissociations, it is a defense mechanism, that my brain seems to feel is necessary to "escape reality" of what is happening...these are no fun people...they have actually resulted in some dangerous things. Such as being behind the wheel of a vehicle and driving to Lord knows where, getting there, feeling lost, scared and not knowing how to get back home. I've experienced these for so long now, that they tend to switch on and off at will, even when there is nothing wrong. I am quite capable of being one of those individuals you would hear of on the news that ends up in Alaska not knowing how she got there, it's very scary. While I have to take medicine to get through these episodes, and depending for how long these episodes are going on, once we are down to the point of lesser episodes, such as for expample...like less than 2 in six months, then I am allowed off of those meds. And if you don't think they are real, I have some friends that will gladly prove otherwise, as well as doctors. I actually bring it up at most of my CIT meetings I speak at because, it is not discussed much as something law enforcment officers do actually face out there. You take them on as you would a sleep walker, you don't yell, you guide, takes alot of patience. We are often able to go on, and physically function, like, drive a car, perform karate, have a full conversation even, but probably will stop talking in mid conversation, its like being on autopilot, and the only remedy that I have been told by my doctors is to shut down, instantly, just as if you are rebooting your computer, a strong fast sedative. Basically enough tranquilization to shut down a mule. I despise these episodes, you often don't remember what happened, you don't know where you are until you come out of one. Sometimes you can remember bits and pieces but it is almost always in a dream like fashion. I recall once I was in a hospital, I apparently became quite combative, wasn't too pretty from my understandings, they were attempting to restrain me to a chair, a rather big nurse was tending to my feet, to attach them to a chair, I apparently lifted my foot and kicked her square in the chest, dropped her to the floor...I never knew I never even knew I did that, I found out a year later, she told me herself. I felt horrible, I'm not the least bit of a mean, vicious, or violent person! I apologized all over myself, I was in total disbelief that I was even capable of such a thing. To this day, I couldn't imagine doing that to someone that wasn't outright attacking me. I'd been accused of kicking a police officer square in the "you know where's", and lifting a 300+ lb man up off the floor with my legs. I was told I broke a nurse's aides finger, and sure enough, he was wearing a splint on it, none of these things I remember, none of them, I was told after the fact. These were dissociations.
Anyway, although I resent having to take medicines, I do understand why it is necessary, I don't want to be someone who hurts people, I want to be someone who will use my strength for good not bad. I want to have self control in any state of mind. I didn't do all that research on my conditions for nothing, I did it to learn more about them, to learn what I needed to do to help myself, and keep from doing that to people the best I could. I believe with all my heart I am a very good person, I want to stay that way, I don't like it when I am not well and unpredictable, believe it or not, it scares me just as much as it scares everyone around me.
So I suppose I will stick to my 32.5 meds a day for now..haha!
In prescription, I take 7.5 pills a day, in Supplemental, I take 25 pills a day. Overall, I'm taking 32.5 pills a day...that's crazy!
I wrote a poem years ago, called Pills of Illusion, I had written it based on being angry, because I had finally seen what all this medicine was...superficial. It was probably the moment I had to contend with that opened my eyes to the fact that there truly was no cure for this.These meds, they are nothing more than a band aid, a maintenance for a medical/mental condition that will never have a cure. That reality, totally sucks.
I actually took some big risks, I mean pretty bad risks...I had gotten fed up...decided I was going to take the bull by the horns, and in my rough and tough, don't mess with this nature...I stopped them all! I gave them up, I was cured!! Or so I thought, haha. Whooohooo! I was strollin along, thinkin, "I got this boys"!! Oh wow, was I soo soo very wrong. I made it, for like a year and a half...that would be right about the time I got tested, wow a months worth of vigorous testings...I recall I had the attitude of.."nah nah nah nah, can't touch this!" Well folks, that totally backfired on me.
I had originally went to this neuropsychologist to prove just how much there WASN'T wrong with me..that all these years them docs were lying about me. I mean seriously, they had me diagnosed with just about everything out there to include schitzoaffective disorder, and so very many others. Even had me on just about every single med out there, and was about to at last resort, put me on chlozaril, and for anyone who knows what medicine that is, it literally destroys your immune system, it could kill you. You so much as catch a cold while taking that stuff and boom, your down, and likely might not survive.
Well, come to find out I was right...and quite wrong at the same time. At the point after testings, and referred to the current psychiatrist, I was told, I was literally a genuine walking ticking time bomb. Wasn't exactly the best news of the year as I had been in denial for quite some time and believed that I had not a thing wrong with me, I figured, I look normal, I act normal (most of the time)...so it was a bit depressing to be proven wrong. I did however learn, that schitzoaffective disorder, is a diagnosis often given, when they just can't figure out what the hell is wrong with ya...sweeeet! Well that certainly did explain the long list of diagnosis I had then. That part initially, wasn't too bad to hear, because atleast that meant I was on the right road to figure out what truly was wrong, get the right answers finally to get the right meds and no longer put up with the hell I had been through, being thrown in this facility and that facility, being given this med, going through this adverse side effect, and that one, and this allergic reaction...the worst by far was the anaphylaxis, that totally was not cool!
I wasn't however prepared to hear that I truly was bipolar, I really wanted to let that one go too. The others, like the panic and anxiety, yes, I could accept that, my car accident, and PTSD, all that was pretty explainable...the ADD certainly threw me for a loop, but I could see how it wouldn't be that far fetched, now the other two...the Visual Perception Disorder, and the Dissociative Disorder...those two, I hadn't even heard of, while it explained alot, I kind of wanted to push those away. Nothing can be done at all for the visual perception disorder because it basically means, I am both right and left brain dominant, the problem with this is that it generally is diagnosed as a child, and I believe I was diagnosed with it at age 35. Was far too late for correction as it is a learning issue...it means, I would have to relearn everything I ever have to conform with the same way others learn, basically, impossible, I have adapted in my own ways. I had too. Most don't understand this condition because it is so rare. I am able to learn both ways, by sight and audio/verbal, however, I am not able to learn with the two together. I can listen and learn, I can see and learn, but I cannot learn by both hearing and seeing. One side of the brain sends off these little electrical signals for hearing, the other side for visual...being I am both left and right brain dominant, when I hear and see at the same time, they fire off at the same time, one gets cut out, which means I cannot react the same. I can hardly watch someone who talks and moves their hands at the same time..I can do the same thing..talk with my hands...as they call it...but I cannot watch someone else do that....this causes me problems in my karate...because I literally have to focus on one or the other. I will often have problems performing my kata's because music is playing, unless I can tone it out. Lastly dissociative disorder...this had become an issue when I started relapsing, I'd been through some horrific hospital visits which resulted in traumatic situations, which indeed resulted in dissociations, it is a defense mechanism, that my brain seems to feel is necessary to "escape reality" of what is happening...these are no fun people...they have actually resulted in some dangerous things. Such as being behind the wheel of a vehicle and driving to Lord knows where, getting there, feeling lost, scared and not knowing how to get back home. I've experienced these for so long now, that they tend to switch on and off at will, even when there is nothing wrong. I am quite capable of being one of those individuals you would hear of on the news that ends up in Alaska not knowing how she got there, it's very scary. While I have to take medicine to get through these episodes, and depending for how long these episodes are going on, once we are down to the point of lesser episodes, such as for expample...like less than 2 in six months, then I am allowed off of those meds. And if you don't think they are real, I have some friends that will gladly prove otherwise, as well as doctors. I actually bring it up at most of my CIT meetings I speak at because, it is not discussed much as something law enforcment officers do actually face out there. You take them on as you would a sleep walker, you don't yell, you guide, takes alot of patience. We are often able to go on, and physically function, like, drive a car, perform karate, have a full conversation even, but probably will stop talking in mid conversation, its like being on autopilot, and the only remedy that I have been told by my doctors is to shut down, instantly, just as if you are rebooting your computer, a strong fast sedative. Basically enough tranquilization to shut down a mule. I despise these episodes, you often don't remember what happened, you don't know where you are until you come out of one. Sometimes you can remember bits and pieces but it is almost always in a dream like fashion. I recall once I was in a hospital, I apparently became quite combative, wasn't too pretty from my understandings, they were attempting to restrain me to a chair, a rather big nurse was tending to my feet, to attach them to a chair, I apparently lifted my foot and kicked her square in the chest, dropped her to the floor...I never knew I never even knew I did that, I found out a year later, she told me herself. I felt horrible, I'm not the least bit of a mean, vicious, or violent person! I apologized all over myself, I was in total disbelief that I was even capable of such a thing. To this day, I couldn't imagine doing that to someone that wasn't outright attacking me. I'd been accused of kicking a police officer square in the "you know where's", and lifting a 300+ lb man up off the floor with my legs. I was told I broke a nurse's aides finger, and sure enough, he was wearing a splint on it, none of these things I remember, none of them, I was told after the fact. These were dissociations.
Anyway, although I resent having to take medicines, I do understand why it is necessary, I don't want to be someone who hurts people, I want to be someone who will use my strength for good not bad. I want to have self control in any state of mind. I didn't do all that research on my conditions for nothing, I did it to learn more about them, to learn what I needed to do to help myself, and keep from doing that to people the best I could. I believe with all my heart I am a very good person, I want to stay that way, I don't like it when I am not well and unpredictable, believe it or not, it scares me just as much as it scares everyone around me.
So I suppose I will stick to my 32.5 meds a day for now..haha!
Reality Check
You know sometimes I need reality checks...
A good wake up call, my illnesses sometimes don't really allow me those. Its a sad thing really. Because I can go along for months in my own little world, expecting things to happen without either putting forth a decent effort, or even thinking everything is going ok, despite the fact it really isn't. I often don't see or miss when something is wrong.. and plug along anyway. And I don't get to find out until my heart is either broken as a result or I get devastated when it is flashed before my eyes, that I just simply didn't do what was required to accomplish what I wanted too. And worse yet, take on blaming those that were really innocent bystanders.
What the heck is wrong with me? All this time I'm taking this issue up with the wrong people, and I'm thinking its their fault when it is mine. I'm acting selfish, like it is everyones fault but my own. I'm not this person!!!! I am better than this!
It is like Ive been seriously distracted, my ADD, doesn't allow me to stay focused and this is just no good! It is not everyone elses responsibility to keep me focused, though the help is extremely appreciated, wow where would I be without it! Ive been acting like a big damn baby at my own cost.
I get frustrated that I cannot learn the same way as everyone else. How do I help them help me? I struggle to help myself alot. Rendering me depending on others to help me, how do I get them to understand that? I feel stupid to ask them. Inevitably, I end up feeling stupid, lower, less than, useless, worthless, discouraged and unable to eventually even think for myself. It is not their fault, and yet not mine. Wow the internal struggle this can build into, and then eventually, I come out looking selfish, bitter, with pity parties and "issues" that no one wants to get involved with. They often don't realize there is no fix for this. There is no fix for mental illness, it is maintained only. It is a curse, one I couldn't possibly wish not even on my worst enemy.
I am diagnosed, ADD, the most severe bipolar someone can even have, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Visual Perception Disorder, Panic and Anxiety Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder and Dissociative Disorder....and somehow, someway, amazingly, I am still not the most Fucked up, violent person that walks the face of this earth, I have an IQ/aptitude, measured by a neuropsychologist to be in the 150-160 range, I have indeed been called a savant, genius, even a muse by friends and family and yes even doctors, but how does a person so smart, so brilliant, so articulate, so impressive, feel so damn dumb? Struggle so much, have to answer to Lord knows everyone, and struggle to get through every moment of every day? It is everybit like a cancer in remission. It is cruel, it is relentless, and I never got a choice, I never made a bad choice in my life to deserve such a thing!
I see things in patterns, codes, colors, and numbers, my mind is totally cryptic. I honestly believe that my karate instructor has figured this out, I believe alot of my karate family has seen me struggle with this, I believe my doctors, and Dan Harrington know exactly what this is like for me, they all see a side of me even my own family probably couldn't realize or relate too. I believe I may have about 3 friends that can really down deep understand me, its the rest of them I have to fight, to contend with, to help them understand what they might not even be capable of understanding.
I want to stand so strong, I want to be the one people look up too, if not, then atleast be able to look square in the eyes and say, you are an amazing person for what you go through. I need that, probably more than most. Instead, I often, more than not, get misunderstood, frowned upon for either being too emotional, or sappy, or for not being able to comprehend the same way as everyone else. I get dismissed, shunned, overlooked, expected to learn and do the same things as everyone else, I am often misunderstood as being "just like" everyone else, simpy because I don't look mentally ill, there is nothing visibly that says, wow, she's a nut, stay away from her, yet I am treated as if I do. I do try alot of self encouragement, but that is quickly washed away when I see someone, gain, or get more than me.
Best way I can describe it, is like almost being able to reach something and not quite being able to grasp it, its there, I'm reaching, I'm almost touching it, and it just keeps slighly moving away, just enough that I can't touch it, grasp it, grab ahold of it. This people, is my life. I try just as hard as anyone else, I am able to retain, I am able to learn, just not the same way. I have short term memory loss. You will often see my good days and my bad days on here, you will see me question myself, my morals, my beliefs, my self worth. You will see me at my best, and at my worst. I don't consider this self pity, I consider it trying to vent in whatever way is needed, both positive and negative to sort out in my mind what I cannot or have trouble dealing with, it is a theraputic measure, it is all I have to not dwell, stew, or hold onto what needs to be said, done or dealt with. What I say won't always be polite, decent or flow like my poetry can. Sometimes I have to see, here on typed words, right in front of my eyes, to understand whether I really am being a selfish person, a bitter person, a decent person, or an accomplished person. Lately, I have been a selfish, lazy, bitter person, I cannot figure out why...I need to know that, I want to move on from that, I want to use every bit of potential I have, that I do know I possess. I have been shown that, when I earned my brown belt, I was so happy, for once I crossed a barrier I didn't ever think I could. It is just simply TOO DAMN late to turn around now. To give up, to throw all that I worked hard for away, to turn people away that honestly and truly within the deepest of their hearts, cared about me. To detach and walk away from something I held so very dear in my heart. Burning bridges is a very nasty thing...I learned to do this by someone that enjoyed hurting people, someone that latched onto me and didn't let go. Someone that distracted me severely, withered me down to practically nothing. I didn't just lose confidence/trust in everyone else around me, I lost it in myself. I have a very bad habit of mirroring what is around me, people that give me confidence, I often reflect that confidence...people that tear me down, I often reflect that as well. It is a mimicking thing I suppose, yet another trait I wish I didn't have. But it is there, so I suppose my efforts would be best served to surround myself with people that care, that give me confidence, that have that to offer, to give, without expecting things back, to be unconditional once again, I miss that. That was a very good part of me.
Well this one was certainly long enough. I will deem today, that I will spend every last bit of energy I have within me, to stay on a positive track, not relapse, get myself around positive people, step up instead of down, get away from the internet for a while, live my life...repair burnt bridges, put forth more effort, get involved in my goals and accomplishments, straighten my ass out, bring up my attitude, not waste another ounce of my energy on things out of my hands and people that intend to bring me down, hurt me, cause distrust, pain and manipulations. Depend on myself the best I can, love my husband, kids, family and Karate friends and family unconditionally, and few close friends that I do have,as they indeed a very big part of who I am today! I simply have to learn somehow, someway, to try to take responsibility for myself both good things and bad. The more people that help me pint that through my head the better, hopefully it will become second nature to me, like instinct, like my karate, I would love that.
A good wake up call, my illnesses sometimes don't really allow me those. Its a sad thing really. Because I can go along for months in my own little world, expecting things to happen without either putting forth a decent effort, or even thinking everything is going ok, despite the fact it really isn't. I often don't see or miss when something is wrong.. and plug along anyway. And I don't get to find out until my heart is either broken as a result or I get devastated when it is flashed before my eyes, that I just simply didn't do what was required to accomplish what I wanted too. And worse yet, take on blaming those that were really innocent bystanders.
What the heck is wrong with me? All this time I'm taking this issue up with the wrong people, and I'm thinking its their fault when it is mine. I'm acting selfish, like it is everyones fault but my own. I'm not this person!!!! I am better than this!
It is like Ive been seriously distracted, my ADD, doesn't allow me to stay focused and this is just no good! It is not everyone elses responsibility to keep me focused, though the help is extremely appreciated, wow where would I be without it! Ive been acting like a big damn baby at my own cost.
I get frustrated that I cannot learn the same way as everyone else. How do I help them help me? I struggle to help myself alot. Rendering me depending on others to help me, how do I get them to understand that? I feel stupid to ask them. Inevitably, I end up feeling stupid, lower, less than, useless, worthless, discouraged and unable to eventually even think for myself. It is not their fault, and yet not mine. Wow the internal struggle this can build into, and then eventually, I come out looking selfish, bitter, with pity parties and "issues" that no one wants to get involved with. They often don't realize there is no fix for this. There is no fix for mental illness, it is maintained only. It is a curse, one I couldn't possibly wish not even on my worst enemy.
I am diagnosed, ADD, the most severe bipolar someone can even have, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Visual Perception Disorder, Panic and Anxiety Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder and Dissociative Disorder....and somehow, someway, amazingly, I am still not the most Fucked up, violent person that walks the face of this earth, I have an IQ/aptitude, measured by a neuropsychologist to be in the 150-160 range, I have indeed been called a savant, genius, even a muse by friends and family and yes even doctors, but how does a person so smart, so brilliant, so articulate, so impressive, feel so damn dumb? Struggle so much, have to answer to Lord knows everyone, and struggle to get through every moment of every day? It is everybit like a cancer in remission. It is cruel, it is relentless, and I never got a choice, I never made a bad choice in my life to deserve such a thing!
I see things in patterns, codes, colors, and numbers, my mind is totally cryptic. I honestly believe that my karate instructor has figured this out, I believe alot of my karate family has seen me struggle with this, I believe my doctors, and Dan Harrington know exactly what this is like for me, they all see a side of me even my own family probably couldn't realize or relate too. I believe I may have about 3 friends that can really down deep understand me, its the rest of them I have to fight, to contend with, to help them understand what they might not even be capable of understanding.
I want to stand so strong, I want to be the one people look up too, if not, then atleast be able to look square in the eyes and say, you are an amazing person for what you go through. I need that, probably more than most. Instead, I often, more than not, get misunderstood, frowned upon for either being too emotional, or sappy, or for not being able to comprehend the same way as everyone else. I get dismissed, shunned, overlooked, expected to learn and do the same things as everyone else, I am often misunderstood as being "just like" everyone else, simpy because I don't look mentally ill, there is nothing visibly that says, wow, she's a nut, stay away from her, yet I am treated as if I do. I do try alot of self encouragement, but that is quickly washed away when I see someone, gain, or get more than me.
Best way I can describe it, is like almost being able to reach something and not quite being able to grasp it, its there, I'm reaching, I'm almost touching it, and it just keeps slighly moving away, just enough that I can't touch it, grasp it, grab ahold of it. This people, is my life. I try just as hard as anyone else, I am able to retain, I am able to learn, just not the same way. I have short term memory loss. You will often see my good days and my bad days on here, you will see me question myself, my morals, my beliefs, my self worth. You will see me at my best, and at my worst. I don't consider this self pity, I consider it trying to vent in whatever way is needed, both positive and negative to sort out in my mind what I cannot or have trouble dealing with, it is a theraputic measure, it is all I have to not dwell, stew, or hold onto what needs to be said, done or dealt with. What I say won't always be polite, decent or flow like my poetry can. Sometimes I have to see, here on typed words, right in front of my eyes, to understand whether I really am being a selfish person, a bitter person, a decent person, or an accomplished person. Lately, I have been a selfish, lazy, bitter person, I cannot figure out why...I need to know that, I want to move on from that, I want to use every bit of potential I have, that I do know I possess. I have been shown that, when I earned my brown belt, I was so happy, for once I crossed a barrier I didn't ever think I could. It is just simply TOO DAMN late to turn around now. To give up, to throw all that I worked hard for away, to turn people away that honestly and truly within the deepest of their hearts, cared about me. To detach and walk away from something I held so very dear in my heart. Burning bridges is a very nasty thing...I learned to do this by someone that enjoyed hurting people, someone that latched onto me and didn't let go. Someone that distracted me severely, withered me down to practically nothing. I didn't just lose confidence/trust in everyone else around me, I lost it in myself. I have a very bad habit of mirroring what is around me, people that give me confidence, I often reflect that confidence...people that tear me down, I often reflect that as well. It is a mimicking thing I suppose, yet another trait I wish I didn't have. But it is there, so I suppose my efforts would be best served to surround myself with people that care, that give me confidence, that have that to offer, to give, without expecting things back, to be unconditional once again, I miss that. That was a very good part of me.
Well this one was certainly long enough. I will deem today, that I will spend every last bit of energy I have within me, to stay on a positive track, not relapse, get myself around positive people, step up instead of down, get away from the internet for a while, live my life...repair burnt bridges, put forth more effort, get involved in my goals and accomplishments, straighten my ass out, bring up my attitude, not waste another ounce of my energy on things out of my hands and people that intend to bring me down, hurt me, cause distrust, pain and manipulations. Depend on myself the best I can, love my husband, kids, family and Karate friends and family unconditionally, and few close friends that I do have,as they indeed a very big part of who I am today! I simply have to learn somehow, someway, to try to take responsibility for myself both good things and bad. The more people that help me pint that through my head the better, hopefully it will become second nature to me, like instinct, like my karate, I would love that.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Apologies?
Hmmm....well, Michael, we sure met again. You went to TheHook and posted, well good. However not so good that you decided to pick on yet another person reaching out to help in Morgan's case. Someone whom didn't nothing more and nothing less than take the facts as reported by VSP and media and Dan Harrington himself and went to work correlating and putting together facts. She did what you never stopped to think of doing. Her work was excellent by far, again you get jealous and feel the need to publicly question her and her work, doubt her as if you have a right too. Make her feel nervous, afraid to help, useless, worthless as if her work couldn't possibly be as good as yours. Not happenin! I am past the point of caring to be polite with you. Here or anywhere else. You are above no one! So yes, I went to the hook, I expressed what she needed to know, I took chances to be crucified in the face of the public to let them know that they didn't need to be anymore afraid of you than I am. You think going on there and apologizing publicly to the both of us, just patches things up, undoes all the damage you have done to Dan and Gil and anyone that cared to help them and Morgan's case? Think again!
Michael, incase you haven't quite realized it yet, you won't fix this one. This one won't be repaired with "I'm sorry's" and " I love you's", or "please forgive me's"...It simply won't be fixed at all. Too much damage was done, your lies had lies. your hurts had hurts, and 10 gallons of chlorine wouldn't ever clean up the mess you caused.
There isn't anything you can say that would hurt, nor phase me. Take your empty threats and apologies, and go. We are done with you.
Michael, incase you haven't quite realized it yet, you won't fix this one. This one won't be repaired with "I'm sorry's" and " I love you's", or "please forgive me's"...It simply won't be fixed at all. Too much damage was done, your lies had lies. your hurts had hurts, and 10 gallons of chlorine wouldn't ever clean up the mess you caused.
There isn't anything you can say that would hurt, nor phase me. Take your empty threats and apologies, and go. We are done with you.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Human Rights
I attended our monthly State Hospital Local Human Rights Committee meeting yesterday. Another endeavor I am highly grateful to be a part of, I belong to two, one for the state hospital (not named for privacy concerns)...and the other a Community Service Board Local Human Rights Committee, which those meetings are held every quarter.
Our Regional Advocate, he is awesome! Adore him beyond belief! He steps up to the plate well, guides us, and allows us to be the best advocates we can as committee members. We are at times the only hope for a patient to have and be given their due rights as everyone involved and related to their care within the hospital does have to go through us, our concerns must be both addressed and remedied on behalf of patients rights within the facility.
With me being on both committees, I was asked to attend a formal meeting held by State Advocacy Officials. This is a pretty big honor to have. Especially to be a consumer. I am indeed pretty excited to attend this meeting. They are the top level, we are local human rights, they are state human rights, the only thing higher than them, is legislation. Which I am headed that way. I want to see what is available to the mentally ill out there, and if need be, work my way into making differences at the highest of levels. I have some goals in mind. Some ideas that would prove worthy to set in motion on the legislation level. I feel it is about time that there are some things that could be changed to benefit both mentally ill and the goverment, if mentally ill were doing better according to these changes, and shows improvement, this would overall benefit the government in statistical proof and as well monetarily.
I have stated before, there is power in even a mentally ill mind.....
To tell them, no one listens, no one wants to hear it...
To show them, they have no choice but to see.
Our Regional Advocate, he is awesome! Adore him beyond belief! He steps up to the plate well, guides us, and allows us to be the best advocates we can as committee members. We are at times the only hope for a patient to have and be given their due rights as everyone involved and related to their care within the hospital does have to go through us, our concerns must be both addressed and remedied on behalf of patients rights within the facility.
With me being on both committees, I was asked to attend a formal meeting held by State Advocacy Officials. This is a pretty big honor to have. Especially to be a consumer. I am indeed pretty excited to attend this meeting. They are the top level, we are local human rights, they are state human rights, the only thing higher than them, is legislation. Which I am headed that way. I want to see what is available to the mentally ill out there, and if need be, work my way into making differences at the highest of levels. I have some goals in mind. Some ideas that would prove worthy to set in motion on the legislation level. I feel it is about time that there are some things that could be changed to benefit both mentally ill and the goverment, if mentally ill were doing better according to these changes, and shows improvement, this would overall benefit the government in statistical proof and as well monetarily.
I have stated before, there is power in even a mentally ill mind.....
To tell them, no one listens, no one wants to hear it...
To show them, they have no choice but to see.
Climbing the Ladder
Its been an interesting few days or so...I went to talk to a local officer I have the pleasure of being a friend too. It was difficult to approach him, being in the mindset that I had to, no needed to know, law enforcements, or atleast our local law enforcements standpoint was regarding CIT before I could continue.
You see, since visiting that Huffington Post board, I had become rather skeptical of LE's intention in helping the mentally ill, when it came to the CIT program. I needed to know whether they were utilizing the program strictly to know how to "handle" or "deal with" the mentally ill appropriately to make their jobs easier, or did they really have the best interest of the mentally ill people in their communities at heart?
I was struggling with this so hard. I'd even put the director of our local CIT program in the middle in the process as he had emailed me to allow me the dates of the next classes, and the dates I would be needed to speak to all local LE. Bless his ever so forgiving heart for being patient with me as I upon that email wrote to say...."Don't know if I want to be around LE anymore". Indeed he could have dumped me right there, not wanting to deal with the conflict, instead, he wrote me back in compassion, allowed me to know I wasn't alone in how I felt. I was very grateful for that, little did I even realize, he lives on the same fine line I do. I decided then to go ahead and face the issue head on with LE. I suppose I had come to realize that running from everything I want to be a part of was not going to work. And yet, I still needed to be comfortable in the environment as well. So, I made the appointment, I went in, and it proved to be the best thing I ever did.
He was honest, even if I didn't want to hear it, he was honest, that is a treasure to me. I will always be grateful for honesty whether I want to hear it or not, because atleast it isn't a lie. I'm most certain he may have felt just as uncomfortable with some of the ways I had put things, as I tend to not have a filter, and what is in the mind comes straight out the mouth with me. I certainly don't mince words, when I'm well or not well.
I walked away feeling confident again, he told me what a value I was in the CIT program, and that he intends to have all his officers trained in the program. That to lose me from the program would be a great loss because, there aren't many being multi diagnosed severely mentally ill that is as articulate in speaking as I am. He feels the details that I have to offer his officers can be an invaluable asset to help slow them down and put them in our shoes for a bit. He also hopes to break the stereotyping and stigma barriers between LE and the mentally ill, which is exactly why I joined CIT to begin with. I don't get paid to go in there and tell my story to those EMT, Fire and Police personnel, it is strictly voluntary. My heart and soul dedicated to ending criminalization of the Mentally Ill. Breaking those stereotypes and stigma's associated with it, is a giant step in the right direction. He was unaware I am also involved in 2 other governmentally funded programs. I must have talked with him for around an hour, and it made a huge impact on me.
This officer is also the Captain of our local PD. He didn't just "have" time for me, he made time for me, as about the first half an our of our conversation was interrupted for the need to listen to his radio as his officers were in pursuit of an individual that began in a vehicle, in which he bailed out of, had many of them running on foot, through this street, and that street, then through a river, and finally after much struggling, he was arrested. He could have gotten up and walked away from our conversation to tend to his officers, but instead, he resumed our conversation anyway. I'm pretty sure I can feel confident in where his heart is.
I will resume with the CIT program, despite the rest of this countries officers think, I know my heart is in the right place, and I know our local PD does indeed have our best interest at heart, I can only hope his kind spreads across this nation like a wildfire. He certainly is a really good man.
You see, since visiting that Huffington Post board, I had become rather skeptical of LE's intention in helping the mentally ill, when it came to the CIT program. I needed to know whether they were utilizing the program strictly to know how to "handle" or "deal with" the mentally ill appropriately to make their jobs easier, or did they really have the best interest of the mentally ill people in their communities at heart?
I was struggling with this so hard. I'd even put the director of our local CIT program in the middle in the process as he had emailed me to allow me the dates of the next classes, and the dates I would be needed to speak to all local LE. Bless his ever so forgiving heart for being patient with me as I upon that email wrote to say...."Don't know if I want to be around LE anymore". Indeed he could have dumped me right there, not wanting to deal with the conflict, instead, he wrote me back in compassion, allowed me to know I wasn't alone in how I felt. I was very grateful for that, little did I even realize, he lives on the same fine line I do. I decided then to go ahead and face the issue head on with LE. I suppose I had come to realize that running from everything I want to be a part of was not going to work. And yet, I still needed to be comfortable in the environment as well. So, I made the appointment, I went in, and it proved to be the best thing I ever did.
He was honest, even if I didn't want to hear it, he was honest, that is a treasure to me. I will always be grateful for honesty whether I want to hear it or not, because atleast it isn't a lie. I'm most certain he may have felt just as uncomfortable with some of the ways I had put things, as I tend to not have a filter, and what is in the mind comes straight out the mouth with me. I certainly don't mince words, when I'm well or not well.
I walked away feeling confident again, he told me what a value I was in the CIT program, and that he intends to have all his officers trained in the program. That to lose me from the program would be a great loss because, there aren't many being multi diagnosed severely mentally ill that is as articulate in speaking as I am. He feels the details that I have to offer his officers can be an invaluable asset to help slow them down and put them in our shoes for a bit. He also hopes to break the stereotyping and stigma barriers between LE and the mentally ill, which is exactly why I joined CIT to begin with. I don't get paid to go in there and tell my story to those EMT, Fire and Police personnel, it is strictly voluntary. My heart and soul dedicated to ending criminalization of the Mentally Ill. Breaking those stereotypes and stigma's associated with it, is a giant step in the right direction. He was unaware I am also involved in 2 other governmentally funded programs. I must have talked with him for around an hour, and it made a huge impact on me.
This officer is also the Captain of our local PD. He didn't just "have" time for me, he made time for me, as about the first half an our of our conversation was interrupted for the need to listen to his radio as his officers were in pursuit of an individual that began in a vehicle, in which he bailed out of, had many of them running on foot, through this street, and that street, then through a river, and finally after much struggling, he was arrested. He could have gotten up and walked away from our conversation to tend to his officers, but instead, he resumed our conversation anyway. I'm pretty sure I can feel confident in where his heart is.
I will resume with the CIT program, despite the rest of this countries officers think, I know my heart is in the right place, and I know our local PD does indeed have our best interest at heart, I can only hope his kind spreads across this nation like a wildfire. He certainly is a really good man.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Stereotyping by Law Enforcement
Well I am back, Ive been away for nearly a week, absorbed in a board from the Huffington Post, that had an article posted of a cop whom hit a special needs woman on a bus, a veteran returning form Iraq, saw this occur, felt it was abusive on the cops behalf and video recorded the incident and it, in which it was broadcast nationally.
I couldn't help but comment and post my views, being a mentally ill individual I could relate to how this must have felt for her. As I have been in a predicament myself a time or two in which I was indeed restrained if not by law enforcement but security from various facilities in which I had been admitted too.
There was many in support of my views, I had felt what the officer did was nothing short of abuse to that woman as the video clearly shows a woman officer to be holding her left arm behind her back and the man officer in front holding her other hand down as he proceeded to viciously raise his arm and with his elbow hit her in the side of her face very hard. This is a mixed martial arts move that has every bit of potential of being a fatal move.
It is reported also that she had four prior convictions of assault with one to include against an officer. However in my experience I have indeed known officers to "create" such charges, out of 1) being angry 2)provocation, and 3) to give a bad record to a mentally ill person wrongfully. It will then incrue as the mentally ill person leaves the facility and a record, like a credit report, will follow a mentally ill person everywhere, so hence the next time a law enforcement officer has to tend to that mentally ill individual they not only approach the mentally ill person in a cautious manner but a forceful one as well, I attempted to make this clear, however, any law enforcement posting to this particular comment board, did nothing more than side with this officer.
The report, which was relatively limited in information, stated that the lady boarded the bus with a stroller full of pillows, she apparently became symptomatic, in which no one states whether this was provoke by another passenger, and law enforcement didn't specify whether that alone was looked into or not, but it appeared as though none of that mattered, however, went on to state that one of the passengers dialed 911 and proceeded to exclaim that she was yelling, and attempting to hit another passenger described to be a senior citizen. The police followed the bus to the next bus stop, boarded the bus, and that is the point in which the veteran from Iraq proceeded to video record with his cell phone, the officers boarded, as the video shows, one man, one woman officer, the female officer behind the mentally ill woman has ahold of her left arm, the male officer has ahold of her other arm, and he lifts his right elbow up and comes very forcefully across her face hitting her with his elbow. She was taken down into a seat and restrained again and other officers board the bus and she is removed from the bus. The recording stops. The officer saw the vet video recording going on and after the vet gets off the bus, the male officer approaches him, demanding the phone threatening the vet he too would be arrested if he did not hand over the cell phone. He removed the smart card chip from the phone and handed it over.
Being a part of Human Rights Committees for our local area as well as Crisis Intervention Team programs, I found this to be a serious, serious, violation of her rights. To include being abused by the officers.
Let me explain why.
1) The officers approached her due to a past record that does not necessarily reflect her behavior at that point in time.
2) The officers neglected to get to the root of the problem, not necessarily meaning her.
3)The female officer was attempting to detain her in a civil manner, as the male officer used a potentially fatal mixed martial arts, elbow manuever. Potentially injuring other passengers.
4) The officer very well knew she was mentally ill prior to showing up and boarding the bus.
5) The officers likely knew she likely wouldn't realize or understand her miranda rights and that is assuming they were even explained to her.
6) "Almost" hitting a senior citizen is not the same thing as "hitting' a senior citizen, whe was not in the act of hitting anyone.
7) Yelling is not an offense worthy of an elbow to the face.
I spent 4 or 5 days on this Huffington Board, explaining all of this, the majority of posters commenting did indeed agree this was highly abusive to a mentally ill person. Yet there were officers indeed fighting and proclaiming that what this officer did was right.
Above all, this showed me there is so very much work left to be done, in both the educational and psychological departments concerning police and the tactics used to approach and handle mentally ill individuals in episode.
They seem to believe using prior record speaks for what a mentally ill individual is experiencing at future points in time, and it doesn't work that way. They also tend to believe that just because it is on that record that it is above all truthful, just because it was a charge coming from another officer, when I know better I have seen the tactics used by law enforcement to purposefully build a record on a mentally ill individual so as to control them within a facility as well as outside one in society. Building a record on a mentally ill person is a very controlling and wrongful thing to do. But it does indeed happen and so much more common that anyone is willing to admit.
I did manage to control the board, there wasn't one individual cop or otherwise that could contest my input or even give me good challenging things to think about that may have changed my mind in what that officer did that was wrong and abusive to that mentally ill woman. If a cop refused to believe admit they are doing wrong, then they will always get the same results and nothing is fixed. I don't understand why these things are allowed to continue, nor do I understand the mentality behind it but I do however know that it is a huge problem and it only adds to the public fear mongering behind the mentally ill, a strong unnecessary stereotypical force meant to keep the mentally ill beneath their thumbs. These communities need C.I.T programs and they need to see that mentally ill people are human, not animals to be beat on, ignored and thrown away forever. These are peoples mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, daughters and sons.
This woman was attempting to walk past the officer and get off the bus as instructed to do so by him, she was stopped for no reason, restrained and elbowed to the face...why on earth was any of that necessary?
These officers need to change if they want better results with the mentally ill. Otherwise I am forced to believe they simply enjoy abusing them, just because they can.
I couldn't help but comment and post my views, being a mentally ill individual I could relate to how this must have felt for her. As I have been in a predicament myself a time or two in which I was indeed restrained if not by law enforcement but security from various facilities in which I had been admitted too.
There was many in support of my views, I had felt what the officer did was nothing short of abuse to that woman as the video clearly shows a woman officer to be holding her left arm behind her back and the man officer in front holding her other hand down as he proceeded to viciously raise his arm and with his elbow hit her in the side of her face very hard. This is a mixed martial arts move that has every bit of potential of being a fatal move.
It is reported also that she had four prior convictions of assault with one to include against an officer. However in my experience I have indeed known officers to "create" such charges, out of 1) being angry 2)provocation, and 3) to give a bad record to a mentally ill person wrongfully. It will then incrue as the mentally ill person leaves the facility and a record, like a credit report, will follow a mentally ill person everywhere, so hence the next time a law enforcement officer has to tend to that mentally ill individual they not only approach the mentally ill person in a cautious manner but a forceful one as well, I attempted to make this clear, however, any law enforcement posting to this particular comment board, did nothing more than side with this officer.
The report, which was relatively limited in information, stated that the lady boarded the bus with a stroller full of pillows, she apparently became symptomatic, in which no one states whether this was provoke by another passenger, and law enforcement didn't specify whether that alone was looked into or not, but it appeared as though none of that mattered, however, went on to state that one of the passengers dialed 911 and proceeded to exclaim that she was yelling, and attempting to hit another passenger described to be a senior citizen. The police followed the bus to the next bus stop, boarded the bus, and that is the point in which the veteran from Iraq proceeded to video record with his cell phone, the officers boarded, as the video shows, one man, one woman officer, the female officer behind the mentally ill woman has ahold of her left arm, the male officer has ahold of her other arm, and he lifts his right elbow up and comes very forcefully across her face hitting her with his elbow. She was taken down into a seat and restrained again and other officers board the bus and she is removed from the bus. The recording stops. The officer saw the vet video recording going on and after the vet gets off the bus, the male officer approaches him, demanding the phone threatening the vet he too would be arrested if he did not hand over the cell phone. He removed the smart card chip from the phone and handed it over.
Being a part of Human Rights Committees for our local area as well as Crisis Intervention Team programs, I found this to be a serious, serious, violation of her rights. To include being abused by the officers.
Let me explain why.
1) The officers approached her due to a past record that does not necessarily reflect her behavior at that point in time.
2) The officers neglected to get to the root of the problem, not necessarily meaning her.
3)The female officer was attempting to detain her in a civil manner, as the male officer used a potentially fatal mixed martial arts, elbow manuever. Potentially injuring other passengers.
4) The officer very well knew she was mentally ill prior to showing up and boarding the bus.
5) The officers likely knew she likely wouldn't realize or understand her miranda rights and that is assuming they were even explained to her.
6) "Almost" hitting a senior citizen is not the same thing as "hitting' a senior citizen, whe was not in the act of hitting anyone.
7) Yelling is not an offense worthy of an elbow to the face.
I spent 4 or 5 days on this Huffington Board, explaining all of this, the majority of posters commenting did indeed agree this was highly abusive to a mentally ill person. Yet there were officers indeed fighting and proclaiming that what this officer did was right.
Above all, this showed me there is so very much work left to be done, in both the educational and psychological departments concerning police and the tactics used to approach and handle mentally ill individuals in episode.
They seem to believe using prior record speaks for what a mentally ill individual is experiencing at future points in time, and it doesn't work that way. They also tend to believe that just because it is on that record that it is above all truthful, just because it was a charge coming from another officer, when I know better I have seen the tactics used by law enforcement to purposefully build a record on a mentally ill individual so as to control them within a facility as well as outside one in society. Building a record on a mentally ill person is a very controlling and wrongful thing to do. But it does indeed happen and so much more common that anyone is willing to admit.
I did manage to control the board, there wasn't one individual cop or otherwise that could contest my input or even give me good challenging things to think about that may have changed my mind in what that officer did that was wrong and abusive to that mentally ill woman. If a cop refused to believe admit they are doing wrong, then they will always get the same results and nothing is fixed. I don't understand why these things are allowed to continue, nor do I understand the mentality behind it but I do however know that it is a huge problem and it only adds to the public fear mongering behind the mentally ill, a strong unnecessary stereotypical force meant to keep the mentally ill beneath their thumbs. These communities need C.I.T programs and they need to see that mentally ill people are human, not animals to be beat on, ignored and thrown away forever. These are peoples mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, daughters and sons.
This woman was attempting to walk past the officer and get off the bus as instructed to do so by him, she was stopped for no reason, restrained and elbowed to the face...why on earth was any of that necessary?
These officers need to change if they want better results with the mentally ill. Otherwise I am forced to believe they simply enjoy abusing them, just because they can.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
FindMorgan.com
Imagine having it come across the news, that a 20yr old girl went missing from a Metallica concert just 25 minutes away from your house.
Her name was Morgan Dana Harrington.
Scary thought huh? Yes it was. Her photo streaming across every news media across the state, in newspapers, there wasn't anywhere you could go that the face of Morgan Harrington wasn't staring right back at you, a very pretty girl, blonde hair, blue eyes, daunting the same image of my own daughter before she colored her hair.
People searching and searching looking for some hint of her, everywhere, anywhere. Unfortunately she was one who wasn't found, not alive anyway, and it was an instant feeling of sadness, of horrible, horrible sadness, my heart went heavy for her family. I wanted to reach out to them so bad.
From the moment she went missing, people couldn't stop talking about her...wanting to know what happened, and being she was found on a farm nearly ten miles away from where she was last seen, the first thing, the very first thing that popped in people's minds, around here anyway was that it had to be a hunter.
No, no I wasn't buying this idea, not at all! Primarily because I do hunt, and even your most crooked hunters out there, would never put someone (had they killed them) out of the woods, they would take them deeper into the woods, a hunter finds some peace, some solace, some serenity, and seclusion away from, deeper within the woods, not out in a field, they instinctively know if a deer is an open target in a field they would be too.
She was found on January 26, 2010, and I really wanted to do what I could to do support them, I wanted to reach my heart out to them, in some form, in some way, so I went online in search of a way to connect and offer my love, support, and prayers. And on January 27, 2010, I found FindMorgan.com online and registered myself to the site.
People were so welcoming, from the moment I registered it felt like home there. Little did I know so much would go wrong, so fast, within 2 months things would turn into such a chaotic mess, that the whole site would burst into a world of shinanigans.
I had attached to Dan and Gil Harrington, I was going to functions for Morgan, to the bridge where she was last seen, enjoying all their company, they really did make me feel welcomed into there family. I remember when I met Dan and Gil for the first time, I was so nervous, he shook my hand, and he hugged me, and I remember feeling like Wow! His handshake was gentle, but at the same time, when he shook my hand was determined to look me in the eye. I get bashful to look someone square in the eye, but he seemed unphased, instead, in his so gentle voice said thank you for coming. He treated me as if he had known me for years, and here I was just someone on his site. This would have been Morgan's 21st birthday.The next visit I would formerly meet Gil, and she too was just as welcoming and gracious, her voice was soft spoken, but she still did not turn away someone who merely had nothing more than poetry to offer for the loss of her daughter. She hugged me, it was tight grasped, she hugs like she means every ounce of it. Her hugs are no casual thing. That is a mothers hug. This would be a ceremony held on the first year anniversary, and to place a memorial plaque on the bridge she was taken from in Morgan's honor.
While I couldn't help but feel the skepticism of me, they still never once made me feel unincluded from events having to do with Morgan or in Morgans honor. Instead they worked graciously to understand me better, and be patient to my illnesses symptoms and the craziness that was happening on their FindMorgan site.
Let's move on to FindMorgan.com.
There were so very many wonderful, smart, and just overall beautiful people involved in that site, these people daily offered, love, support, encouragement, good discussion, and at times good debateable discussion, there was never a dull day and you could feel the family atmosphere. And then all of a sudden things started to turn sour, when one poster, came along and began playing games with people. He sunk his hooks into so many people. He went on there I believe now with intentions to destroy people, I couldn't see that then and no one else was seeing it either. He pretended to have inside information because a guy went to him in confidence, this guy lived in our area, he brought the guy's name to me and asked me to locate him, I did so. And that got the ball rolling in a very bad direction. I wouldn't realize it because he was keeping me up all night almost everynight, just rambling along, I have illnesses that if this happens for a few days, it mentally will begin to take a pretty bad effect. He was well aware of my illnesses as was everyone that belonged to that site, I made it no secret whether people liked it or whether they did not.
He was one that would seriously panic someone, cause a panic within your personal life, and then usually when he was wrong or incorrect then he would brush it off like it was no big deal and we were still left panicked and it would take a couple days but we would be forgiving and continue on not realizing that he was doing damage. And he was doing this repeatedly so it wasn't like it once a tone time deal, it was over and over. We weren't the only ones he was doing this too. He psychologically?emotionally was burning people out, and what he couldn't do psychologically he would do verbally. He knew exactly what he was doing, I am only ashamed I realized this too late. He pitted people against eachother because he would twist and twist things until they made sense. He had so many bad mouthing eachother and when one had something over another that suited his needs, he would provide the other ones emails to them as back up to his twisted workings. What he was doing was downright cruel, and he knew it, but he didn't care. He would vicariously accuse people of hacking all the meanwhile between his job as a medical records analysist, he his FBI friends and his lawyer connections and yes even a coroner friend, was using them all to threaten people and even to the level of VSP, he was hacking just the same, if not worse. He was brewing quite the storm, but he was manipulative, he kept me not well, all the while sending me everything, I am a scan reader, he kept me not well, he had me feeling like family, and what I was thinking he was being a friend he was using me for and to stockpile information. He was using us all. I wouldn't realize this until after I was away from him long enough to rehabilitate, go back over about a quarter of what he sent me, and that was enough for me. He literally would attack people verbally, his worse victim being Dan Harrington himself, in public he speaks of Dan in support but behind the scenes, he was nothing but cruel, just downright evil. He had formed a " posse" against Blink on crime and he did all he could to destroy and pit each one of the moderators to the site one by one, he destroyed friendships...there wasn't a thing I could do, I could tell them, but he had already pounded into my head fairly early that I wouldn't be believed if I did try to say anything and therefore every post I tried to make with the slightest hint of what he was telling me, got brushed off, this confirmed for me what he was saying.
People were wondering why I couldn't just walk away from him? Because he had me believing I was family and that he was the only one there for me. The whole time I knew he was using Courntey Stuarts blog as his own personal playground, as well as bulldogs until he didn't agree with bulldogs point of views, and then he just diminished from his board heading to topix. People that challenged his ideas, his information, or his words, were only giving him reason to manipulate some more and twist things to suit, pull up his resources and hit from another angle, AICBond would be a prime example. AICBond was relentless to him, when he didn't agree with him, and publicly would detest him, he would threaten and threaten him, but not once had he followed through, he couldn't. However it was as if he couldn't beat him he would keep working until AICBond would give him just the slightest wiggle room. He was seriously operating by the idea that if he couldn't beat them he woud join them mentality. He is a man of many faces, toying with peoples emotions, making people feel comfortable and if he didn't succeed set out to ruin or threaten those that disagreed with him or pretty much attempted to cut him out of their life altogether. Those that had nothing to offer him, he had no use for they were trash to him. The one problem, was I held all the proof, he sent me everything, he felt it was protected with me, because I am mentally ill, no one would believe me if I tried to say anything. And it did indeed work. The FindMorgan site basically got obliterated because someone felt the need to ruin peoples lives. It was a good site, I was blamed for the site going down, by so many because of his manipulative tactics, I on top of not being well, had to endure the cruelty of that. Dan Harrington was very well aware I wasn't planning a lawsuit, Michael Sutton was. I had also endured a hospital stay for two weeks, my husband and our kids were held up in our house afraid for our safety, with unnecessary panic and phone calls to local police, VSP and including FBI. He distorted truths, twisted things into some huge panic and involved me and my family in the process which would take a horrible toll on me and our family was not the only ones impacted by his madness. He called medical records to attempt to get my records from a past stay I had at a hospital in Roanoke, he was using me to get them for him, he wanted something to use against Dan to file suit with on my behalf with Dan so that legally he would be open to information regarding Morgans case, they way he had it mapped out it would have worked however, I never sent my records to him and I wasn't about too either. This is how cunning he is to manipulate people to get what he wants. He destroyed FindMorgan and everything and everyone within it. He caused distruction, distrust, misinformation, and disaster. He nearly caused a mentally ill person to kill themselves on a few occasions due to his manipulations and abuse. He used his connections, his job and used people against eachother to get information from or about Morgans case. He threatened people if they wouldnt provide for him. He hacked into peoples computers, accounts, sites, and likely obtained some medical records in the process to prey on the weaker people so he knew who to go to, who his abuse and control would work on. He does have lawyer friends he threatens to use against people, he has used people he once knew however famous, popular or important they might be to threaten or brag of his own personal worth, his name is not copyrighted it is not possible. He had FBI friends who very well obtained info for him and he has coroner friend that did the same. The FBI friend however helped set up his hacking system. While he was accusing Blink and her hats of hacking, he was doing the exact same thing to her, meanwhile being destructive to her site in the form of going to other sites and publicly building gangs against her, and then continue on to hack other sites as well, such as "The Hook", "Topix", "Bulldogpi", "Newsplex" and various others. He has caused so much distrust and pretty much destroyed her site and to me bragged about how he was capable of doing that..he often referred to "we" when it came to one of his sick accomplishments, or "we" when it came to investigating, I wasn't no investigator I was a follower, I wasn't well and I was following and blindly so.
He had the mind of a criminal. A very sick, twisted criminal, he knew exactly what he was doing. He purpsosefully hurt everyone on that site, he destroyed it on purpose, it was just another way to get back at Dan Harrington, because one of his posters accused his uncle of murder. And because he threw his threats around, threw a temper tantrum and shot off at the mouth, he got what he wanted. Now look at everyone, look at what he succeeded at. Look at what we all let him do. And look at what he continues to get away with. FindMorgan should have never shut down, he meant to do all this all along. We let him do this, he victimized us all, why should he be allowed to continue doing that to people? I have pressed charges on him, I did all I could do from my end, his name is on record here, VSP is highly aware of him but I couldn't do it alone. But I miss FindMorgan, I miss what used to be a family there. I miss what it was like BEFORE SJones. I wish we had it back, because now I see, how much of a plan this was for him the entire time. 5000+ emails and 15+ people as my proof that he victimized. Along with family and friends as witnesses.
No one deserved what he did. Not a single soul deserved it. He is dangerous, someone who has to hurt people like he has done, is as dangerous as a criminal to me. He has shown his true colors, and I'm not afraid of them. I refuse to be scared by him anymore.
The Harringtons will always as day 1 from FindMorgan.com have my support, my love, and my prayers.I will always hold them very close to my heart, I will protect them with the best of my ability, and I will always consider them nothing less than family to me. Dan and Gil, thank you so much for never giving up on me! Thank you for always having an open heart and an open mind, your devoted friendship to me had meant everything in the world to me. Thank you for your patience and love to me and my family and know we are forever grateful to have you in our lives! Thank you for holding strong for me when everyone else turned a blind eye to my voice and my proof. You are truly the most amazing people on this earth! We love you so much! Your support has been a very strong source in my rehabilitation enough to be able to finally see what he was doing, I hope someday others will see the same and take appropriate action to let him know, we aren't tolerating this from him anymore. And Dan thank you for your permission to post about the issues from FindMorgan.com, from my standpoint as I often wasn't sure if I should, or even would ever be able to come out with it after the damage he has done. I just can't be worried about him anymore, I am tired of wasting the energy being afraid of someone not worth worrying about at all.
Michael Sutton, you counted on having control, what you didn't count on is you getting caught. Consider yourself caught. What you have done had disgusted me, you hurt people, emotionally/mentally, you ruined peoples lives, you have broken up some very good friendships, you invaded peoples lives, their privacy, and you took your deceit and your manipulations to an equivalent to that of a sick criminal. You took your twisted distortions and you did more damage then you ever did good, you harmed innocent people and you interfered where you had no purpose too in Morgans Case, I hope they find you, they investigate you, they see the damage you have done and I hope you pay dearly for it. How dare you even call yourself a human being? You are nothing but evil in my mind, and in my heart. I hope people can see through all the hurt you have caused some day and restore some very valuable friendships lost due to your unnecessary harm. You are a predator of the worst kind. Dan, Gil, and Alex did not a thing to deserve this from you. What a horrible thing to do to an already hurting family. I hope every single person you have victimized will stand up against you and show you this is not acceptable. You are right, they won't believe my words alone, but they will have no choice but to believe your own.
2.4.1
Her Love Triumphs over all,
We will neVer forgeT her.
Her name was Morgan Dana Harrington.
Scary thought huh? Yes it was. Her photo streaming across every news media across the state, in newspapers, there wasn't anywhere you could go that the face of Morgan Harrington wasn't staring right back at you, a very pretty girl, blonde hair, blue eyes, daunting the same image of my own daughter before she colored her hair.
People searching and searching looking for some hint of her, everywhere, anywhere. Unfortunately she was one who wasn't found, not alive anyway, and it was an instant feeling of sadness, of horrible, horrible sadness, my heart went heavy for her family. I wanted to reach out to them so bad.
From the moment she went missing, people couldn't stop talking about her...wanting to know what happened, and being she was found on a farm nearly ten miles away from where she was last seen, the first thing, the very first thing that popped in people's minds, around here anyway was that it had to be a hunter.
No, no I wasn't buying this idea, not at all! Primarily because I do hunt, and even your most crooked hunters out there, would never put someone (had they killed them) out of the woods, they would take them deeper into the woods, a hunter finds some peace, some solace, some serenity, and seclusion away from, deeper within the woods, not out in a field, they instinctively know if a deer is an open target in a field they would be too.
She was found on January 26, 2010, and I really wanted to do what I could to do support them, I wanted to reach my heart out to them, in some form, in some way, so I went online in search of a way to connect and offer my love, support, and prayers. And on January 27, 2010, I found FindMorgan.com online and registered myself to the site.
People were so welcoming, from the moment I registered it felt like home there. Little did I know so much would go wrong, so fast, within 2 months things would turn into such a chaotic mess, that the whole site would burst into a world of shinanigans.
I had attached to Dan and Gil Harrington, I was going to functions for Morgan, to the bridge where she was last seen, enjoying all their company, they really did make me feel welcomed into there family. I remember when I met Dan and Gil for the first time, I was so nervous, he shook my hand, and he hugged me, and I remember feeling like Wow! His handshake was gentle, but at the same time, when he shook my hand was determined to look me in the eye. I get bashful to look someone square in the eye, but he seemed unphased, instead, in his so gentle voice said thank you for coming. He treated me as if he had known me for years, and here I was just someone on his site. This would have been Morgan's 21st birthday.The next visit I would formerly meet Gil, and she too was just as welcoming and gracious, her voice was soft spoken, but she still did not turn away someone who merely had nothing more than poetry to offer for the loss of her daughter. She hugged me, it was tight grasped, she hugs like she means every ounce of it. Her hugs are no casual thing. That is a mothers hug. This would be a ceremony held on the first year anniversary, and to place a memorial plaque on the bridge she was taken from in Morgan's honor.
While I couldn't help but feel the skepticism of me, they still never once made me feel unincluded from events having to do with Morgan or in Morgans honor. Instead they worked graciously to understand me better, and be patient to my illnesses symptoms and the craziness that was happening on their FindMorgan site.
Let's move on to FindMorgan.com.
There were so very many wonderful, smart, and just overall beautiful people involved in that site, these people daily offered, love, support, encouragement, good discussion, and at times good debateable discussion, there was never a dull day and you could feel the family atmosphere. And then all of a sudden things started to turn sour, when one poster, came along and began playing games with people. He sunk his hooks into so many people. He went on there I believe now with intentions to destroy people, I couldn't see that then and no one else was seeing it either. He pretended to have inside information because a guy went to him in confidence, this guy lived in our area, he brought the guy's name to me and asked me to locate him, I did so. And that got the ball rolling in a very bad direction. I wouldn't realize it because he was keeping me up all night almost everynight, just rambling along, I have illnesses that if this happens for a few days, it mentally will begin to take a pretty bad effect. He was well aware of my illnesses as was everyone that belonged to that site, I made it no secret whether people liked it or whether they did not.
He was one that would seriously panic someone, cause a panic within your personal life, and then usually when he was wrong or incorrect then he would brush it off like it was no big deal and we were still left panicked and it would take a couple days but we would be forgiving and continue on not realizing that he was doing damage. And he was doing this repeatedly so it wasn't like it once a tone time deal, it was over and over. We weren't the only ones he was doing this too. He psychologically?emotionally was burning people out, and what he couldn't do psychologically he would do verbally. He knew exactly what he was doing, I am only ashamed I realized this too late. He pitted people against eachother because he would twist and twist things until they made sense. He had so many bad mouthing eachother and when one had something over another that suited his needs, he would provide the other ones emails to them as back up to his twisted workings. What he was doing was downright cruel, and he knew it, but he didn't care. He would vicariously accuse people of hacking all the meanwhile between his job as a medical records analysist, he his FBI friends and his lawyer connections and yes even a coroner friend, was using them all to threaten people and even to the level of VSP, he was hacking just the same, if not worse. He was brewing quite the storm, but he was manipulative, he kept me not well, all the while sending me everything, I am a scan reader, he kept me not well, he had me feeling like family, and what I was thinking he was being a friend he was using me for and to stockpile information. He was using us all. I wouldn't realize this until after I was away from him long enough to rehabilitate, go back over about a quarter of what he sent me, and that was enough for me. He literally would attack people verbally, his worse victim being Dan Harrington himself, in public he speaks of Dan in support but behind the scenes, he was nothing but cruel, just downright evil. He had formed a " posse" against Blink on crime and he did all he could to destroy and pit each one of the moderators to the site one by one, he destroyed friendships...there wasn't a thing I could do, I could tell them, but he had already pounded into my head fairly early that I wouldn't be believed if I did try to say anything and therefore every post I tried to make with the slightest hint of what he was telling me, got brushed off, this confirmed for me what he was saying.
People were wondering why I couldn't just walk away from him? Because he had me believing I was family and that he was the only one there for me. The whole time I knew he was using Courntey Stuarts blog as his own personal playground, as well as bulldogs until he didn't agree with bulldogs point of views, and then he just diminished from his board heading to topix. People that challenged his ideas, his information, or his words, were only giving him reason to manipulate some more and twist things to suit, pull up his resources and hit from another angle, AICBond would be a prime example. AICBond was relentless to him, when he didn't agree with him, and publicly would detest him, he would threaten and threaten him, but not once had he followed through, he couldn't. However it was as if he couldn't beat him he would keep working until AICBond would give him just the slightest wiggle room. He was seriously operating by the idea that if he couldn't beat them he woud join them mentality. He is a man of many faces, toying with peoples emotions, making people feel comfortable and if he didn't succeed set out to ruin or threaten those that disagreed with him or pretty much attempted to cut him out of their life altogether. Those that had nothing to offer him, he had no use for they were trash to him. The one problem, was I held all the proof, he sent me everything, he felt it was protected with me, because I am mentally ill, no one would believe me if I tried to say anything. And it did indeed work. The FindMorgan site basically got obliterated because someone felt the need to ruin peoples lives. It was a good site, I was blamed for the site going down, by so many because of his manipulative tactics, I on top of not being well, had to endure the cruelty of that. Dan Harrington was very well aware I wasn't planning a lawsuit, Michael Sutton was. I had also endured a hospital stay for two weeks, my husband and our kids were held up in our house afraid for our safety, with unnecessary panic and phone calls to local police, VSP and including FBI. He distorted truths, twisted things into some huge panic and involved me and my family in the process which would take a horrible toll on me and our family was not the only ones impacted by his madness. He called medical records to attempt to get my records from a past stay I had at a hospital in Roanoke, he was using me to get them for him, he wanted something to use against Dan to file suit with on my behalf with Dan so that legally he would be open to information regarding Morgans case, they way he had it mapped out it would have worked however, I never sent my records to him and I wasn't about too either. This is how cunning he is to manipulate people to get what he wants. He destroyed FindMorgan and everything and everyone within it. He caused distruction, distrust, misinformation, and disaster. He nearly caused a mentally ill person to kill themselves on a few occasions due to his manipulations and abuse. He used his connections, his job and used people against eachother to get information from or about Morgans case. He threatened people if they wouldnt provide for him. He hacked into peoples computers, accounts, sites, and likely obtained some medical records in the process to prey on the weaker people so he knew who to go to, who his abuse and control would work on. He does have lawyer friends he threatens to use against people, he has used people he once knew however famous, popular or important they might be to threaten or brag of his own personal worth, his name is not copyrighted it is not possible. He had FBI friends who very well obtained info for him and he has coroner friend that did the same. The FBI friend however helped set up his hacking system. While he was accusing Blink and her hats of hacking, he was doing the exact same thing to her, meanwhile being destructive to her site in the form of going to other sites and publicly building gangs against her, and then continue on to hack other sites as well, such as "The Hook", "Topix", "Bulldogpi", "Newsplex" and various others. He has caused so much distrust and pretty much destroyed her site and to me bragged about how he was capable of doing that..he often referred to "we" when it came to one of his sick accomplishments, or "we" when it came to investigating, I wasn't no investigator I was a follower, I wasn't well and I was following and blindly so.
He had the mind of a criminal. A very sick, twisted criminal, he knew exactly what he was doing. He purpsosefully hurt everyone on that site, he destroyed it on purpose, it was just another way to get back at Dan Harrington, because one of his posters accused his uncle of murder. And because he threw his threats around, threw a temper tantrum and shot off at the mouth, he got what he wanted. Now look at everyone, look at what he succeeded at. Look at what we all let him do. And look at what he continues to get away with. FindMorgan should have never shut down, he meant to do all this all along. We let him do this, he victimized us all, why should he be allowed to continue doing that to people? I have pressed charges on him, I did all I could do from my end, his name is on record here, VSP is highly aware of him but I couldn't do it alone. But I miss FindMorgan, I miss what used to be a family there. I miss what it was like BEFORE SJones. I wish we had it back, because now I see, how much of a plan this was for him the entire time. 5000+ emails and 15+ people as my proof that he victimized. Along with family and friends as witnesses.
No one deserved what he did. Not a single soul deserved it. He is dangerous, someone who has to hurt people like he has done, is as dangerous as a criminal to me. He has shown his true colors, and I'm not afraid of them. I refuse to be scared by him anymore.
The Harringtons will always as day 1 from FindMorgan.com have my support, my love, and my prayers.I will always hold them very close to my heart, I will protect them with the best of my ability, and I will always consider them nothing less than family to me. Dan and Gil, thank you so much for never giving up on me! Thank you for always having an open heart and an open mind, your devoted friendship to me had meant everything in the world to me. Thank you for your patience and love to me and my family and know we are forever grateful to have you in our lives! Thank you for holding strong for me when everyone else turned a blind eye to my voice and my proof. You are truly the most amazing people on this earth! We love you so much! Your support has been a very strong source in my rehabilitation enough to be able to finally see what he was doing, I hope someday others will see the same and take appropriate action to let him know, we aren't tolerating this from him anymore. And Dan thank you for your permission to post about the issues from FindMorgan.com, from my standpoint as I often wasn't sure if I should, or even would ever be able to come out with it after the damage he has done. I just can't be worried about him anymore, I am tired of wasting the energy being afraid of someone not worth worrying about at all.
Michael Sutton, you counted on having control, what you didn't count on is you getting caught. Consider yourself caught. What you have done had disgusted me, you hurt people, emotionally/mentally, you ruined peoples lives, you have broken up some very good friendships, you invaded peoples lives, their privacy, and you took your deceit and your manipulations to an equivalent to that of a sick criminal. You took your twisted distortions and you did more damage then you ever did good, you harmed innocent people and you interfered where you had no purpose too in Morgans Case, I hope they find you, they investigate you, they see the damage you have done and I hope you pay dearly for it. How dare you even call yourself a human being? You are nothing but evil in my mind, and in my heart. I hope people can see through all the hurt you have caused some day and restore some very valuable friendships lost due to your unnecessary harm. You are a predator of the worst kind. Dan, Gil, and Alex did not a thing to deserve this from you. What a horrible thing to do to an already hurting family. I hope every single person you have victimized will stand up against you and show you this is not acceptable. You are right, they won't believe my words alone, but they will have no choice but to believe your own.
2.4.1
Her Love Triumphs over all,
We will neVer forgeT her.
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