Cardinal In The Snow
Mystery surrounds us,
Excitement draws the night,
Pure adrenaline pushed through veins,
That came with concert lights.
Mad dashes to their seats,
Stage encased the floor,
The lights go out as camera's flash,
With the music came the roar.
Mesmerized by lights,
Desires to draw near,
Evil existed in the night,
The lyrics she couldn't hear.
In her Cardinal house,
Put on a different show,
Evil came and took her,
And placed her in the snow.
In her Cardinal house,
A pain she'd never know,
Came bearing down on all she knew,
As she lay beneath the snow.
Hindered by the noise,
She'd slip into his song,
Rehearsed by him as he watched,
Her incapacity come along.
People danced and sang,
To every song that played,
As evil stalked her every move,
A beast upon its prey.
The Cardinal is our bird,
Our bird, she has a song,
As sure as snow its cold dead self,
We'll right this evils wrong.
In our Cardinal house,
You will hear us sing!
The target is on you now,
Pure hell to you we bring!
In your Cardinal house,
There is a different show,
Justice comes and takes you,
To face that Cardinal snow.
In your Cardinal house,
You become the prey,
Amongst the music in your fate,
Judgement comes your way.
Her song rose from the ground,
It's a song you very well know,
You know because you put her there,
Our Cardinal in the snow.
written by: HNC..1/25/2013
Friday, January 25, 2013
Monday, January 7, 2013
1-7-13
Well, there is still alot of recouperating to be done from the holidays, finances always gets us this time of year, ugh! I truly despise, finances.
Anywho, that said. Alot happened yesterday. Not so good stuff...I was made to feel so bad about myself that I came home, chopped off more hair, now I look like I did when I met my husband and just before all that I had filled a trash bag as I emptied out my dresser, because I cried all the way home from fishing. I don't know what was worse, being looked at in disgust, or him not showing me any affection in the public, or when he walked off and sat in the truck and just left me standing there.
I got attached to fishing because it is the ONLY time I can have with my husband, he literally works so much that the only quality time I get with him is either fishing, or in the bedroom...and so for him to be that way to me, hurt soo very bad. He didn't exactly like the new hair cut I just got, had been mean to me all yesterday morning, and he just is always making me feel self conscious. He said very mean things and seemed like he was more there for the fish than just spending time with me, I did call him ugly, but in my defense, I was only trying to knock him down a notch or two from being so mean to me. He took it to heart.
But when I stood there in tears, praying for a fish in hopes that if just one would bite then he would want to stay there with me, I would have a chance to make him want to spend more time there with me. It didn't go that way, instead, no fish bit and I reeled his line in, went to the truck and sat there. I thought..how selfish for him to do that, my heart was broken. The more I looked at him, the more angry I got. And was very very hurt. I reeled in my line, took all the bait off, I think when I get that mad, that hyperfocused, everything around me just disappears. Just gone, there might have been about 6-7 other guys there fishing, but I mean, they were just gone. I know I picked up my pole, grabbed my fishing bag, left all his fishing box and net and whatever was laying there, was left there. I went to the truck, threw my pole on the back which bounced very hard across the back of it...opened the door, sat down, slammed the door. He went to say something, and well...I don't even remember, I was so mad I dont remember, but I know I yelled that he was so damn selfish..I shut the seatbelt in the door, so I opened it to release it, slammed the door again, when I did, he said something like, don't, or be careful, cause I slammed it hard enough for his gun to slide down, and I told him don't you say a word to me, don't you so much as speak to me, pointing my finger in his face, I was making myself very clear to him, he said stop putting your finger in my face and gritted his teeth, thrusted himself forward at me threatening me, I could see him going to ball his fist up to hit me, and I said, do it. You wanna hit me so bad you just do it, not a damn thing stopping you, go ahead hit me, right now, you hit me, and you will wish you didn't! He said is that my stuff sitting there, I said yes it is, you want it you go get it your damn self! So he did. I couldn't even look at him, I didn't want to look at him, he went gathered it all up, I was shaking, crying and just done. He got back in the truck, never said a word...I just stared out the side window, all I could think about, was just get me home, let me get my things, let me get away from him.
He didn't speed, he didn't speak, he wasn't wreckless..we got home. I got out of the truck, I went in the house...I grabbed trash bags, I began filling them. Emptied out my dresser, went through my shoes, he still said nothing, other than to come in the bedroom and ask what was I doing, and I said I'm leaving, I don't want to hear a thing, Ive got nothing to say to you, not one thing. I'm tired of the abuse, I never should have to feel as bad about myself as I did earlier, I didn't marry you to have to feel this way. He asked where I was going, I said I will figure that out when I get there. I looked at my daughter and son, and asked if they were going or staying, they were well old enough to make that choice for themselves. My son opted to stay with his dad, clearly his choice, I was not forcing him to go, nor forcing him to stay. My daughter got more aggravated with the hastiness of the same question, thought I was over reacting, thought something was really wrong with me, argued with me even...making matters so much worse. Normally she is the one wanting me to leave her dad..so this really took me by surprise the way she acted..her dad just sat back and said nothing..was even trying to call me..babe..and hun...I told him don't call me that. For the first time EVER, he was not getting in my way as I went to stick to my decision to leave. I was quite adamant to leave, most certainly! I was trying to unhook the computer and Im trying to get all these wires and cords and things unhooked, so I'm a bit involved in all that trying to figure out what is what, as there are like 3 levels to work with, so I had to kind of focus, still yet determined to leave, in all my pissedoffness..and they kept asking, like over and over how are you gonna get that to the car, and I'm all like, well I'm gonna carry the damn thing, and Ryan is like, you can't..and I'm like, why?? So, I'm like I know for sure I'm capable of carrying a computer to the car, its not that complicated son! So Kourtney comes around the corner, what are you doing Mom? I'm like I'm taking the computer, (breaking down in tears again) I said, it's MINE it was a GIFT to me! As I have to keep standing up to see this cord, and dart back down beneath the desk for other cords, this was quite the task! So then, she is like, you can't take the computer, and Im like why the hell not? She said, how you gonna get it to the car?? I said, what is it with you guys?? !! I know how to carry a computer to my car!! So Thomas, comes around the corner, what are you doing? I said, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I'M TAKING MY COMPUTER TO THE CAR!! He said how you gonna get it there? UGH!! I said, Kourtney, will you please explain to your father how I am gonna get the computer to the car? She turns around and looks at him and said..she thinks she can carry it to the car Dad...Dad, she didn't take her meds this morning did she?
At that point I do believe I broke. Because, I'm not even entitled to be angry without someone thinking I didn't take my medicine, I'm not entitled to feel like I can do something just because THEY don't think I can, I'm not entitled to feel good about myself..just because of a dumb haircut, I'm not even entitled to find some resolve or power for myself to unhook a damn computer and take it to my car. I was drained, and I don't care who you are, when your 14 year old comes down to your little level and puts his arm around you and says, calm down Mom, we love you...you just calm down. In that instance, I felt valued, the one thing I wanted to feel most yesterday, was to be valued by my husband. I wanted to be valued in his eyes, in his heart, enough to want to spend time with me, for me, just for me. I miss that. Most couples that have been married as long as we have for our generation, have not made it a goal to stay married like we have, through thick and thin, don't value what marriage is really all about, have only seen it as a slip of paper...and even more so, only stayed married until their kids was grown, lost the spark, felt like once the obligation to see their kids raised, there was no more obligation. I don't want to be that couple. He is 40..I'm about to be 40, we have grown together, raised two kids together, fought, yes sometimes very severely, with consequence, as well as without consequence, but we have loved, we have seen alot, we have experienced alot, we have hurt alot, but we have also healed through eachother, we have helped eachother in ways that not many other couples would..we have tolerated, we have failed eachother, only to pick eachother right up again. We have laughed together, cried together, listened to eachother, heard eachother, we have hated eachother to the core, talked to eachother and learned from eachother, and loved eachother even more because of it. We have changed eachother. We have struggled together and survived it against most odds for our generation. Every single time I have considered leaving him, he has given me more reasons to stay. We talked and talked holding eachother once I got through my breakdown, he never realized how bad things were piling on, he didn't understand how bad what he was saying was hurting me, he thought he was kidding, if I didn't know him like I know him, I don't think that would have been enough of an explanation to keep me here.
He sincerely, looked into my eyes, holding me and apologized like he meant it, no distractions, no tv, no video games, not a sound, not a single distraction, just him, just me, just us. My husband, in the 19 years we have been married, has never ever, apologized to me that way. I am valuable to him, he realized he doesn't acknowledge how important to me it is for him to show that. And I got to in the same manner, say, I miss you, I miss my husband.
I always tell people I am happily married, Ive told our ups, our downs, I'm not shy about sharing things regarding my marriage, he is abusive at times, he knows this, I give him the opportunity to fix those things, I let him know when he is being that way. And I will defend myself, and he knows I will.
He said last night after our 2nd fishing trip, he said, I didn't say anything on the way home from the first fishing trip this morning, because I was trying NOT to escalate things, he said, I figured if I said anything, I would make it worse, he said, I was already very upset, he said, I didnt speed, I took it very slow going home, so as to not make you more mad, I just gave you time to calm down. He said, as angry and upset as you were, I just knew I had to let you cool down.
I said, that was good, but in a way not good, because I thought, you weren't speaking because you were just as mad as I was, in my mind I was done. I took your not speaking as though, you agreed. I said but what you did was the right thing to do, I was highly upset and angry, and I was leaving for good. I love you Thomas, but I cannot live this world feeling so bad about myself that way. NO girl deserves to ever feel that bad or hurt ever. He asked where I was going to go, he guessed my Moms house, I said, I really don't know, cause I was just feeling bad enough to leave, I didn't care where I go, or end up, I just wanted to get away from hurting that bad. You don't think you can hurt someone so bad with words, well you can. I would rather someone haul off and hit me hard as they can than to hurt me with words. Especially if it is someone who is supposed to love you no matter what.
So, all ended up well yesterday after that..just another bump in the road. There will be plenty more I'm sure, marriage means something to me, and to him, it is where we came from, how we were raised, it doesn't stop just because your kids are grown, it doesn't stop because things don't go your way, it doesn't stop because things are difficult, but it will stop if you don't truly value eachother anymore, if you cannot be obligated to eachother anymore, if you truly don't love eachother anymore.
Ive learned through this one, that maybe its not wise to take for granted what someone else might be thinking, or use ones own weakness to retaliate. If you are kidding or joking, say you are, don't expect someone to know that. There were two entirely different perceptions at work through that ordeal, had we respected that, it might not have fueled the escalation, it might not have erupted the way did, thankfully I didn't actually walk out, start the car and drive away. I can't even think of where I might have been right now. I wouldnt have wanted to bother anyone I know. So I feel pretty certain, I would have ended up just anywhere. I'm just not one who can be pushed to the level of leaving. Along with knowing my husband, friends and family, I also know who I am too.
Anywho, that said. Alot happened yesterday. Not so good stuff...I was made to feel so bad about myself that I came home, chopped off more hair, now I look like I did when I met my husband and just before all that I had filled a trash bag as I emptied out my dresser, because I cried all the way home from fishing. I don't know what was worse, being looked at in disgust, or him not showing me any affection in the public, or when he walked off and sat in the truck and just left me standing there.
I got attached to fishing because it is the ONLY time I can have with my husband, he literally works so much that the only quality time I get with him is either fishing, or in the bedroom...and so for him to be that way to me, hurt soo very bad. He didn't exactly like the new hair cut I just got, had been mean to me all yesterday morning, and he just is always making me feel self conscious. He said very mean things and seemed like he was more there for the fish than just spending time with me, I did call him ugly, but in my defense, I was only trying to knock him down a notch or two from being so mean to me. He took it to heart.
But when I stood there in tears, praying for a fish in hopes that if just one would bite then he would want to stay there with me, I would have a chance to make him want to spend more time there with me. It didn't go that way, instead, no fish bit and I reeled his line in, went to the truck and sat there. I thought..how selfish for him to do that, my heart was broken. The more I looked at him, the more angry I got. And was very very hurt. I reeled in my line, took all the bait off, I think when I get that mad, that hyperfocused, everything around me just disappears. Just gone, there might have been about 6-7 other guys there fishing, but I mean, they were just gone. I know I picked up my pole, grabbed my fishing bag, left all his fishing box and net and whatever was laying there, was left there. I went to the truck, threw my pole on the back which bounced very hard across the back of it...opened the door, sat down, slammed the door. He went to say something, and well...I don't even remember, I was so mad I dont remember, but I know I yelled that he was so damn selfish..I shut the seatbelt in the door, so I opened it to release it, slammed the door again, when I did, he said something like, don't, or be careful, cause I slammed it hard enough for his gun to slide down, and I told him don't you say a word to me, don't you so much as speak to me, pointing my finger in his face, I was making myself very clear to him, he said stop putting your finger in my face and gritted his teeth, thrusted himself forward at me threatening me, I could see him going to ball his fist up to hit me, and I said, do it. You wanna hit me so bad you just do it, not a damn thing stopping you, go ahead hit me, right now, you hit me, and you will wish you didn't! He said is that my stuff sitting there, I said yes it is, you want it you go get it your damn self! So he did. I couldn't even look at him, I didn't want to look at him, he went gathered it all up, I was shaking, crying and just done. He got back in the truck, never said a word...I just stared out the side window, all I could think about, was just get me home, let me get my things, let me get away from him.
He didn't speed, he didn't speak, he wasn't wreckless..we got home. I got out of the truck, I went in the house...I grabbed trash bags, I began filling them. Emptied out my dresser, went through my shoes, he still said nothing, other than to come in the bedroom and ask what was I doing, and I said I'm leaving, I don't want to hear a thing, Ive got nothing to say to you, not one thing. I'm tired of the abuse, I never should have to feel as bad about myself as I did earlier, I didn't marry you to have to feel this way. He asked where I was going, I said I will figure that out when I get there. I looked at my daughter and son, and asked if they were going or staying, they were well old enough to make that choice for themselves. My son opted to stay with his dad, clearly his choice, I was not forcing him to go, nor forcing him to stay. My daughter got more aggravated with the hastiness of the same question, thought I was over reacting, thought something was really wrong with me, argued with me even...making matters so much worse. Normally she is the one wanting me to leave her dad..so this really took me by surprise the way she acted..her dad just sat back and said nothing..was even trying to call me..babe..and hun...I told him don't call me that. For the first time EVER, he was not getting in my way as I went to stick to my decision to leave. I was quite adamant to leave, most certainly! I was trying to unhook the computer and Im trying to get all these wires and cords and things unhooked, so I'm a bit involved in all that trying to figure out what is what, as there are like 3 levels to work with, so I had to kind of focus, still yet determined to leave, in all my pissedoffness..and they kept asking, like over and over how are you gonna get that to the car, and I'm all like, well I'm gonna carry the damn thing, and Ryan is like, you can't..and I'm like, why?? So, I'm like I know for sure I'm capable of carrying a computer to the car, its not that complicated son! So Kourtney comes around the corner, what are you doing Mom? I'm like I'm taking the computer, (breaking down in tears again) I said, it's MINE it was a GIFT to me! As I have to keep standing up to see this cord, and dart back down beneath the desk for other cords, this was quite the task! So then, she is like, you can't take the computer, and Im like why the hell not? She said, how you gonna get it to the car?? I said, what is it with you guys?? !! I know how to carry a computer to my car!! So Thomas, comes around the corner, what are you doing? I said, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I'M TAKING MY COMPUTER TO THE CAR!! He said how you gonna get it there? UGH!! I said, Kourtney, will you please explain to your father how I am gonna get the computer to the car? She turns around and looks at him and said..she thinks she can carry it to the car Dad...Dad, she didn't take her meds this morning did she?
At that point I do believe I broke. Because, I'm not even entitled to be angry without someone thinking I didn't take my medicine, I'm not entitled to feel like I can do something just because THEY don't think I can, I'm not entitled to feel good about myself..just because of a dumb haircut, I'm not even entitled to find some resolve or power for myself to unhook a damn computer and take it to my car. I was drained, and I don't care who you are, when your 14 year old comes down to your little level and puts his arm around you and says, calm down Mom, we love you...you just calm down. In that instance, I felt valued, the one thing I wanted to feel most yesterday, was to be valued by my husband. I wanted to be valued in his eyes, in his heart, enough to want to spend time with me, for me, just for me. I miss that. Most couples that have been married as long as we have for our generation, have not made it a goal to stay married like we have, through thick and thin, don't value what marriage is really all about, have only seen it as a slip of paper...and even more so, only stayed married until their kids was grown, lost the spark, felt like once the obligation to see their kids raised, there was no more obligation. I don't want to be that couple. He is 40..I'm about to be 40, we have grown together, raised two kids together, fought, yes sometimes very severely, with consequence, as well as without consequence, but we have loved, we have seen alot, we have experienced alot, we have hurt alot, but we have also healed through eachother, we have helped eachother in ways that not many other couples would..we have tolerated, we have failed eachother, only to pick eachother right up again. We have laughed together, cried together, listened to eachother, heard eachother, we have hated eachother to the core, talked to eachother and learned from eachother, and loved eachother even more because of it. We have changed eachother. We have struggled together and survived it against most odds for our generation. Every single time I have considered leaving him, he has given me more reasons to stay. We talked and talked holding eachother once I got through my breakdown, he never realized how bad things were piling on, he didn't understand how bad what he was saying was hurting me, he thought he was kidding, if I didn't know him like I know him, I don't think that would have been enough of an explanation to keep me here.
He sincerely, looked into my eyes, holding me and apologized like he meant it, no distractions, no tv, no video games, not a sound, not a single distraction, just him, just me, just us. My husband, in the 19 years we have been married, has never ever, apologized to me that way. I am valuable to him, he realized he doesn't acknowledge how important to me it is for him to show that. And I got to in the same manner, say, I miss you, I miss my husband.
I always tell people I am happily married, Ive told our ups, our downs, I'm not shy about sharing things regarding my marriage, he is abusive at times, he knows this, I give him the opportunity to fix those things, I let him know when he is being that way. And I will defend myself, and he knows I will.
He said last night after our 2nd fishing trip, he said, I didn't say anything on the way home from the first fishing trip this morning, because I was trying NOT to escalate things, he said, I figured if I said anything, I would make it worse, he said, I was already very upset, he said, I didnt speed, I took it very slow going home, so as to not make you more mad, I just gave you time to calm down. He said, as angry and upset as you were, I just knew I had to let you cool down.
I said, that was good, but in a way not good, because I thought, you weren't speaking because you were just as mad as I was, in my mind I was done. I took your not speaking as though, you agreed. I said but what you did was the right thing to do, I was highly upset and angry, and I was leaving for good. I love you Thomas, but I cannot live this world feeling so bad about myself that way. NO girl deserves to ever feel that bad or hurt ever. He asked where I was going to go, he guessed my Moms house, I said, I really don't know, cause I was just feeling bad enough to leave, I didn't care where I go, or end up, I just wanted to get away from hurting that bad. You don't think you can hurt someone so bad with words, well you can. I would rather someone haul off and hit me hard as they can than to hurt me with words. Especially if it is someone who is supposed to love you no matter what.
So, all ended up well yesterday after that..just another bump in the road. There will be plenty more I'm sure, marriage means something to me, and to him, it is where we came from, how we were raised, it doesn't stop just because your kids are grown, it doesn't stop because things don't go your way, it doesn't stop because things are difficult, but it will stop if you don't truly value eachother anymore, if you cannot be obligated to eachother anymore, if you truly don't love eachother anymore.
Ive learned through this one, that maybe its not wise to take for granted what someone else might be thinking, or use ones own weakness to retaliate. If you are kidding or joking, say you are, don't expect someone to know that. There were two entirely different perceptions at work through that ordeal, had we respected that, it might not have fueled the escalation, it might not have erupted the way did, thankfully I didn't actually walk out, start the car and drive away. I can't even think of where I might have been right now. I wouldnt have wanted to bother anyone I know. So I feel pretty certain, I would have ended up just anywhere. I'm just not one who can be pushed to the level of leaving. Along with knowing my husband, friends and family, I also know who I am too.
Friday, January 4, 2013
1-4-2013
Hmmm...today's thoughts.
Today didn't go to bad actually. There isn't alot to report actually.
The only unnerving thing about today was my niece texted me to say there was a bomb threat at her school, its times like that that I am very happy kids have the fortune to have cell phones while at school. I admit I was a bit on the panicked side. I texted her mom at work, I texted our sister, no fears around me, heck no, I albeit was ready to jump into action and go pick her up from school. I mean it was not but 40 degrees out today, forget about the bomb thing, I was truly more afraid the kid was gonna freeze out there. But that's just Aunt Heidi, blankets, hot cocoa, extra jackets, wool socks, long johns, all I needed was the text that said, go get her...and I woulda been out the door. But NOOOO....only text I got back was...they were transferring them to another school, and a little later to say...the school was swept and cleared and they were back...which is good I guess but I didn't get to go save anyone :/, oh well, maybe next time:)
I'm going to go get my hair cut tomorrow, I'm nervous, but the break from dealing with long hair for a while will be nice. Its a good thing hair grows, just incase I don't like it...love you Mom! but just incase. Just sayin.
Other than that, I think that's about it for this day.
Peace...
Oh yeah, I went by Morgans plaque today, and threw a peace sign up at her. I do that sometimes, since Im over there so much, sometimes its a thumbs up, or blow a kiss, just something, anything to let her know, (just incase she is peeking in)..that she is not and never will be forgotten:)
When I work right there at Lannigan, I often just glare over thinking about what could have happened, what would I have done, alot of thoughts go through, I study, I study hard at the entire environment. Watch who comes and goes, watch ladies and gents jog through, ride bikes, just various things, people walking the tracks, and people getting on the shuttle buses. People working around, certain cars that seem to just love that stretch driving up and down through there like 50 times. And I get amazed, that for as much traffic that goes through there, its nearly impossible to think how not one soul saw her there. From Lannigan, someone had to have. There is only one person that would definitely know...stay tuned:)
Today didn't go to bad actually. There isn't alot to report actually.
The only unnerving thing about today was my niece texted me to say there was a bomb threat at her school, its times like that that I am very happy kids have the fortune to have cell phones while at school. I admit I was a bit on the panicked side. I texted her mom at work, I texted our sister, no fears around me, heck no, I albeit was ready to jump into action and go pick her up from school. I mean it was not but 40 degrees out today, forget about the bomb thing, I was truly more afraid the kid was gonna freeze out there. But that's just Aunt Heidi, blankets, hot cocoa, extra jackets, wool socks, long johns, all I needed was the text that said, go get her...and I woulda been out the door. But NOOOO....only text I got back was...they were transferring them to another school, and a little later to say...the school was swept and cleared and they were back...which is good I guess but I didn't get to go save anyone :/, oh well, maybe next time:)
I'm going to go get my hair cut tomorrow, I'm nervous, but the break from dealing with long hair for a while will be nice. Its a good thing hair grows, just incase I don't like it...love you Mom! but just incase. Just sayin.
Other than that, I think that's about it for this day.
Peace...
Oh yeah, I went by Morgans plaque today, and threw a peace sign up at her. I do that sometimes, since Im over there so much, sometimes its a thumbs up, or blow a kiss, just something, anything to let her know, (just incase she is peeking in)..that she is not and never will be forgotten:)
When I work right there at Lannigan, I often just glare over thinking about what could have happened, what would I have done, alot of thoughts go through, I study, I study hard at the entire environment. Watch who comes and goes, watch ladies and gents jog through, ride bikes, just various things, people walking the tracks, and people getting on the shuttle buses. People working around, certain cars that seem to just love that stretch driving up and down through there like 50 times. And I get amazed, that for as much traffic that goes through there, its nearly impossible to think how not one soul saw her there. From Lannigan, someone had to have. There is only one person that would definitely know...stay tuned:)
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Today's thoughts
Today, I decided I'm cutting my hair off. I need a new look, hopefully I can get a better attitude with it:)
Speaking of changes, I'm looking to make a bunch of them..not just your general things such as finances, health, all that good New Years type of stuff, but I'm going to try new attitude.
I spent alot of last year down in the dumps, unmotivated, sick, just all around not feeling well. I seem to have noticed that ever since my surgery, things just dont seem the same, can't keep up with my karate, loss of interest, dont go fishing near as much, stopped writing, and instead became super involved in things that kind of distracted me, from being me. My programs began to feel like jobs, participation was pretty low, my ability to function often ran right down with it. Energy gone, eventually, you feel rather...invisible. I hate those invisible years, emotional roller coasters, peace keeping efforts that usually just slapped me right back in the face, or even reaching out to be helpful, and not helping at all. The hard hit reality, that I am not one in a million...I will not be the help they need. Because I have a very hard time being the help I need. I could tell people day and night, of the things I know, you know all the in between the line stuff. It just does no good.
I think sometimes we lose ourselves so much in other peoples lives that we just totally lose our own identity. Its all too easy for that to happen to me. Im impressionable as it is. So it takes little to nothing to land myself in bad situations trying to help, my fearlessness tends to only add more to the problem.
What happens thought when you see your identity in someone else, you become that much more driven.
My thinking may not be like everyone elses. But here is a thought. Ladies, we are all Morgan Harrington.
We were 20 once, we once had that youth and beauty, and we all knew what it felt like to be that age, we all had a wild streak in us about her age...we all got excited to go to things like concerts, especially if it were our favorite band, and if we had the opportunity to go see them, we all would have lived it up as she was trying to do. And if there was alcohol around, don't think for a second we would get our hands on it, thats just part of being 20. My logic may be different, but the way I see it, is Morgan needed someone that night..I needed someone that night..you needed someone that night. Morgan went through what is all of our biggest fears. And now Morgan is me, and she is you, she is all of us ladies. She works through us, all of us..she doesn't let go, she won't let go. She needs us to help her Mom, Dad, and Brother. She is her Mom. Gil is proof of that..because Gil is Morgan too. Everything connects. We determine how she is helped now.
And still. I can't change the way I help, I still can't bring what they need, all I have to offer is what I know. What I learn, What I see for myself, or hear for myself.
So I'm changing my attitude, because I need to wait for results like everyone else does..if it is meant to come to me, it will.. if it is not meant to be.. then I have helped all I knew how to help.
I can't wait for him to be found. I want so bad for him to be found, he didn't just hurt/murder Morgan, he killed a piece of the rest of us too. I was 20 yrs old when I had my daughter. One of the happiest times of my life. To think he stole that from her, her family, from us..from all the future young ladies that he stalks out there.
Please let 2013 be the year Miss Morgan sees her justice done. That surely is a change I could live with.
Speaking of changes, I'm looking to make a bunch of them..not just your general things such as finances, health, all that good New Years type of stuff, but I'm going to try new attitude.
I spent alot of last year down in the dumps, unmotivated, sick, just all around not feeling well. I seem to have noticed that ever since my surgery, things just dont seem the same, can't keep up with my karate, loss of interest, dont go fishing near as much, stopped writing, and instead became super involved in things that kind of distracted me, from being me. My programs began to feel like jobs, participation was pretty low, my ability to function often ran right down with it. Energy gone, eventually, you feel rather...invisible. I hate those invisible years, emotional roller coasters, peace keeping efforts that usually just slapped me right back in the face, or even reaching out to be helpful, and not helping at all. The hard hit reality, that I am not one in a million...I will not be the help they need. Because I have a very hard time being the help I need. I could tell people day and night, of the things I know, you know all the in between the line stuff. It just does no good.
I think sometimes we lose ourselves so much in other peoples lives that we just totally lose our own identity. Its all too easy for that to happen to me. Im impressionable as it is. So it takes little to nothing to land myself in bad situations trying to help, my fearlessness tends to only add more to the problem.
What happens thought when you see your identity in someone else, you become that much more driven.
My thinking may not be like everyone elses. But here is a thought. Ladies, we are all Morgan Harrington.
We were 20 once, we once had that youth and beauty, and we all knew what it felt like to be that age, we all had a wild streak in us about her age...we all got excited to go to things like concerts, especially if it were our favorite band, and if we had the opportunity to go see them, we all would have lived it up as she was trying to do. And if there was alcohol around, don't think for a second we would get our hands on it, thats just part of being 20. My logic may be different, but the way I see it, is Morgan needed someone that night..I needed someone that night..you needed someone that night. Morgan went through what is all of our biggest fears. And now Morgan is me, and she is you, she is all of us ladies. She works through us, all of us..she doesn't let go, she won't let go. She needs us to help her Mom, Dad, and Brother. She is her Mom. Gil is proof of that..because Gil is Morgan too. Everything connects. We determine how she is helped now.
And still. I can't change the way I help, I still can't bring what they need, all I have to offer is what I know. What I learn, What I see for myself, or hear for myself.
So I'm changing my attitude, because I need to wait for results like everyone else does..if it is meant to come to me, it will.. if it is not meant to be.. then I have helped all I knew how to help.
I can't wait for him to be found. I want so bad for him to be found, he didn't just hurt/murder Morgan, he killed a piece of the rest of us too. I was 20 yrs old when I had my daughter. One of the happiest times of my life. To think he stole that from her, her family, from us..from all the future young ladies that he stalks out there.
Please let 2013 be the year Miss Morgan sees her justice done. That surely is a change I could live with.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
On My Mind
Ok,
So I'm going a little stir crazy, got a bit of the cabin fever going on. I don't like winter as it is.
hmm..Saw the doctor today..he says cortisol is low again (adrenal fatigue) which has a huge impact on how someone can end up depressed, and in my case can trigger some serious relapses. So thats the bum thing about cortisol. Not so bad of a thing if I can afford the supplement for it. Thats not exactly low in cost.
Now, if I could just get my other doctor to figure out what the lump is in my ribs, let me be reassured that its ok, then I can get back to what I'd like to be doing..cause right now..I'm doing little to nothing and it just aint cutting it and it is rather ironic that I can sit and/or be laying down and pull some awesome motivational thought and planning to all I need to and want to get done, yet...I still sit or lay there like...ok..now get up and go do it...and then...nope..I got nothin.. its rather pitiful. Wow how nice my house would be if I could think it clean:)
That's just it, its like my body will not function along with my brain...its as if its two entirely seperate things. If you had any idea of how I keep saying "ok, now, I gotta get up and finish the laundry"...ok, well it never gets finished, I go down, I put a load in..I wait, I stick it in the dryer, and hey...whalahh, I did some laundry for the day..I look at the dishes and I say...hmmm..those need done..so I go get Kourtney, and I'm like, hey babe, looks like the dishes need done. Guess she aint feeling it either, cause the dishes aint done..My carpets, lets not even go there. I went and got me this new organizer, granted it took alot of effort to simply buy the daggon thing, since Walmart does not know what a true organizer is anymore, you actually have to go buy it in...parts...so I did so, only took me 2 hrs.. within it I got a project book, the other day, I wrote down list after list, one for each room, all the things I'd like to work on throughout the year to remodel each room and such, I got alot of rooms...anyway..so I mark these things as each persons project to work on..you won't believe how many projects I listed for "Dad"...heeehehe...:) but I also am quite interested to see next New Years how many gets done. Oh well, they was good thoughts anyway..haha.
Its like all the motivation is in my head, not in my body. That is what low cortisol does to you, it literally wipes out your energy, makes things 10x as stressful that would be for anyone else..physically you are drained, not much after you are mentally drained, and then all you got left is emotionally...he said, that what happens is that with someone with all the illnesses I have, it easily sets off any of the symptoms I have of various illnesses I suffer from, and there I go, I'm all up in a relapse all over again. Great.
I gather most people don't realize just how common low cortisol is, particularly in women. Stress burns through the cortisol your body makes, hard on your seratonin, your thyroid, all that good stuff. Its all a part of a operational system that keeps us well. Well, my cortisol maker, and thyroid maker and seratonin maker is broke. So my neurotransmitters is all over the place and when that happens, all hell breaks loose in me. I mean thats about the best I could describe it from what I gathered out of him. Its all patterns. Education is the key. To have panic and anxiety disorder, ptsd, bipolar much less the most severe kind...and to have adhd, and visual perception disorder its a wonder Im even able to think of cleaning my house in the first place, but its all good, it was the thought that counts right:)
Anywho, blogging has given me something. An outlet. A way to express, good, bad and comical..ranting, venting...not that its always useful, or productive, but it has helped me atleast feel like someone out there hears me..even if they don't...still..its the thought that counts.
I'm not out there causing trouble for people, I'm not out there shooting places up, I'm not out there doing illegal things, I'm no Adam Lanza...I cant even see myself doing things like that. Not even to make a point..not even on a whim. Im just not him.
Ive had alot of thoughts since the Sandy Hook massacre, and all of them was to fight harder for those of us that are not Adam Lanza, my friend from MHA-A (Mental Health America-of Augusta) wrote me couple days ago, asked me to take her place in Richmond for legislation. Ironically they placed this Mental Health legislation day the same day as NRA gun toting day. I thought that was pretty coincidental, and honestly I thought at one point, the word "ambush" came to mind, so I kinda hesitated to respond. Guns, Mental illness Advocates..hmmm...yeah, not a great mixture on the same day. However, I also thought..if I'm to speak on front of legislation that day, it is an opportunity not many get to have. If I am to make an impact at all in mental health then I need to step forward and do that. I need to take this opportunity, stand up and let them know. So, I am working hard on what I need to do, to bring to their attention, that could make the greatest impact not only for mental heatlh but for better understanding of how these tragedies and such have a huge impact on mentally ill people as well. And some how, some way, be brief enough not to babble. hmmm..that's gonna take some hard work. Ive never went before legislation before, I know what I need to say, I know what needs to be said, but honestly, I fear that it will all fall on deaf ears. I know what can be done to change things. and make safety a number 1 priority. I have kids, and I cannot ever imagine what I would do if harm came to them because someone decided to let someone have a gun that should not have one, and I'm tired of gun owners being blamed and mentally ill being beaten down by their communities and folks all around the world for something they did not do. I know the systems, procedures, laws, rights, ethics, I am mentally ill, but I am not Adam Lanza.
I will do alot of research before going before them. I will make this a good attempt, and I will do all I can, to help the situation, not make matters worse. The madness just has to stop.
The End.
So I'm going a little stir crazy, got a bit of the cabin fever going on. I don't like winter as it is.
hmm..Saw the doctor today..he says cortisol is low again (adrenal fatigue) which has a huge impact on how someone can end up depressed, and in my case can trigger some serious relapses. So thats the bum thing about cortisol. Not so bad of a thing if I can afford the supplement for it. Thats not exactly low in cost.
Now, if I could just get my other doctor to figure out what the lump is in my ribs, let me be reassured that its ok, then I can get back to what I'd like to be doing..cause right now..I'm doing little to nothing and it just aint cutting it and it is rather ironic that I can sit and/or be laying down and pull some awesome motivational thought and planning to all I need to and want to get done, yet...I still sit or lay there like...ok..now get up and go do it...and then...nope..I got nothin.. its rather pitiful. Wow how nice my house would be if I could think it clean:)
That's just it, its like my body will not function along with my brain...its as if its two entirely seperate things. If you had any idea of how I keep saying "ok, now, I gotta get up and finish the laundry"...ok, well it never gets finished, I go down, I put a load in..I wait, I stick it in the dryer, and hey...whalahh, I did some laundry for the day..I look at the dishes and I say...hmmm..those need done..so I go get Kourtney, and I'm like, hey babe, looks like the dishes need done. Guess she aint feeling it either, cause the dishes aint done..My carpets, lets not even go there. I went and got me this new organizer, granted it took alot of effort to simply buy the daggon thing, since Walmart does not know what a true organizer is anymore, you actually have to go buy it in...parts...so I did so, only took me 2 hrs.. within it I got a project book, the other day, I wrote down list after list, one for each room, all the things I'd like to work on throughout the year to remodel each room and such, I got alot of rooms...anyway..so I mark these things as each persons project to work on..you won't believe how many projects I listed for "Dad"...heeehehe...:) but I also am quite interested to see next New Years how many gets done. Oh well, they was good thoughts anyway..haha.
Its like all the motivation is in my head, not in my body. That is what low cortisol does to you, it literally wipes out your energy, makes things 10x as stressful that would be for anyone else..physically you are drained, not much after you are mentally drained, and then all you got left is emotionally...he said, that what happens is that with someone with all the illnesses I have, it easily sets off any of the symptoms I have of various illnesses I suffer from, and there I go, I'm all up in a relapse all over again. Great.
I gather most people don't realize just how common low cortisol is, particularly in women. Stress burns through the cortisol your body makes, hard on your seratonin, your thyroid, all that good stuff. Its all a part of a operational system that keeps us well. Well, my cortisol maker, and thyroid maker and seratonin maker is broke. So my neurotransmitters is all over the place and when that happens, all hell breaks loose in me. I mean thats about the best I could describe it from what I gathered out of him. Its all patterns. Education is the key. To have panic and anxiety disorder, ptsd, bipolar much less the most severe kind...and to have adhd, and visual perception disorder its a wonder Im even able to think of cleaning my house in the first place, but its all good, it was the thought that counts right:)
Anywho, blogging has given me something. An outlet. A way to express, good, bad and comical..ranting, venting...not that its always useful, or productive, but it has helped me atleast feel like someone out there hears me..even if they don't...still..its the thought that counts.
I'm not out there causing trouble for people, I'm not out there shooting places up, I'm not out there doing illegal things, I'm no Adam Lanza...I cant even see myself doing things like that. Not even to make a point..not even on a whim. Im just not him.
Ive had alot of thoughts since the Sandy Hook massacre, and all of them was to fight harder for those of us that are not Adam Lanza, my friend from MHA-A (Mental Health America-of Augusta) wrote me couple days ago, asked me to take her place in Richmond for legislation. Ironically they placed this Mental Health legislation day the same day as NRA gun toting day. I thought that was pretty coincidental, and honestly I thought at one point, the word "ambush" came to mind, so I kinda hesitated to respond. Guns, Mental illness Advocates..hmmm...yeah, not a great mixture on the same day. However, I also thought..if I'm to speak on front of legislation that day, it is an opportunity not many get to have. If I am to make an impact at all in mental health then I need to step forward and do that. I need to take this opportunity, stand up and let them know. So, I am working hard on what I need to do, to bring to their attention, that could make the greatest impact not only for mental heatlh but for better understanding of how these tragedies and such have a huge impact on mentally ill people as well. And some how, some way, be brief enough not to babble. hmmm..that's gonna take some hard work. Ive never went before legislation before, I know what I need to say, I know what needs to be said, but honestly, I fear that it will all fall on deaf ears. I know what can be done to change things. and make safety a number 1 priority. I have kids, and I cannot ever imagine what I would do if harm came to them because someone decided to let someone have a gun that should not have one, and I'm tired of gun owners being blamed and mentally ill being beaten down by their communities and folks all around the world for something they did not do. I know the systems, procedures, laws, rights, ethics, I am mentally ill, but I am not Adam Lanza.
I will do alot of research before going before them. I will make this a good attempt, and I will do all I can, to help the situation, not make matters worse. The madness just has to stop.
The End.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Welcome 2013
Hello 2013,
Well, I thought of all kinds of good new years resolutions...like, I thought of staying off fb for a whole year..to be around and with my family more, you know, just live life, the right way...and I thought of just staying positive, fixing finances, and keeping control of them...taking my dogs for walks and training them...not just half trained like they are now, so far they will only sit, stay and kiss, and then eat the treat. So I didn't get very far in the training, but I'm getting there. I kinda can't help it, they give me them puppy eyes and I just melt. Im done for.
But I thought of so many good things. And then some idiot goes and decides to get some public notoriety for working on some astrology with the massacres that have been happening, just a stupid, stupid thing to do.
Rule#1 of Astrology, YOU DO NOT USE IT FOR PREDICTION! See there is this little think called Karma, and it will snap a tude on ya in a heartbeat! And no less a guy who has 3 Elementary school kids was behind the actual astrology work, now here is the thing. Alone, by itself, in my awesome astrological comprehension of the matter :)...it was great work, I mean dude seriously seriously put alot of effort in there, alot of hard work. But he has to be careful, with astrology, if you don't be careful of what you are doing, it can form ideas for you. It is like one of them things they call when you start getting so disoriented in the desert that you actually start thinking you see water...what is it..hmmm..oh yeah a mirage I think...with astrology it can be like that. You are going along and you start thinking you are seeing what may not be there. Just cause it fits, don't mean it fits. You have to take breaks, you have to be careful not to fill in the extras. I know astrology, I can tell you by trait alone some things most wont pick up on.
Ex. hmm...who shall I pick on :) just for giggles....Joe Rader.
He retired on November 18, 2011. This from what he told me would be near or around his birthday. He is Scorpio. Watch out for them. Sensitive emotionally but the hard outter shell of the scorpio will never let you see it. When he means to come after you, he will, he will not stop until he gets you. Hmm...sounds familiar, haha.
Very good at law enforcement, extremely intellectual, highly protective of his family, does not mince words often. Sneaky, not too trusting. hmmm..yup..haha. Even if this was just his retiring date and not his birthdate, it still says alot about him. It is very close to a cusp, that means his positional sign closer to that cusp is at its strongest. What led him to retirement was at its peak. Highly strong focus on other goals. Very strong occurance for change. His sun sign was screaming change.
Now see, I know things. But I would never tell him these things. I also know things that led up too. Just things he don't need to know.
But this was prime example of just how much astrology plays into the lives of people. It is science, it is not ghost whispering, it is not reading horoscopes, though that too brings alot of perspective, I can tell him anything he wants to know regarding something, but I just don't want too.
Astrology, is not games, you have to respect it, if you are not prepared to play by the rules, you have no business messing with it. And that is how I feel this guy did, the work was good, it was really good, but to use it to get publicity, just not a good idea. Karma is indeed linked to using it for prediction, you cannot use astrology to go back into a horrific event then turn around and use it to predict the next, Karma steps in and says, you do not belong here.
I think it disturbs me to see that, because I think of the people out there trying to help with the positivity astrology can make an impact into doing things like, helping Law Enforcement with cases, several time it has been proven to help, several reports of Law Enforcement requesting the assistance of psychics, and psychic mediums and such, and then you got hip hop happy jackass that comes along and destroys all of that. Not to mention provokes another possible attack, by taking it straight to a reporter, whom also decides to jump in on the action, and whalahh, now all of Giles County has closed their schools tomorrow because the police were alerted through this publication, and has had to take precaution of a potential attack. Great move..idiots.
Are they begging for another mass shooting? I don't get it..you know it just now dawned on me, how I often do not understand the smaller things...but you give me some super complex astrological, physics, calculus, coded, patterned method and I'm good to go...hmmm.. go figure...yes, I'm rambling, I'm quite tired. Anyway, damn it!!! As far as Joe Rader, dude I was so onto you..hahaha..nah, just kiddin..haha..
Well, New Year 2013, looks like its you and me kiddo, lets kick ass! I need a good year, last year sucked frankly and I'm so over it. I get so sick of this world sometimes. I get sick of the people in it alot of times too. But I'm done worrying about all that now. If I kicked all the asses I really wanted too, I'd be pretty damn exhausted just the same, so I guess that just means it wasn't worth it. I'm going into this one with a new attitude, keep my friends and family close, anyone else, dont even think about touching me, don't even think about messing with me at all. Its not a bad attitude, just not puttin up with jack shit this year. Im letting God take over this time.
Well, I thought of all kinds of good new years resolutions...like, I thought of staying off fb for a whole year..to be around and with my family more, you know, just live life, the right way...and I thought of just staying positive, fixing finances, and keeping control of them...taking my dogs for walks and training them...not just half trained like they are now, so far they will only sit, stay and kiss, and then eat the treat. So I didn't get very far in the training, but I'm getting there. I kinda can't help it, they give me them puppy eyes and I just melt. Im done for.
But I thought of so many good things. And then some idiot goes and decides to get some public notoriety for working on some astrology with the massacres that have been happening, just a stupid, stupid thing to do.
Rule#1 of Astrology, YOU DO NOT USE IT FOR PREDICTION! See there is this little think called Karma, and it will snap a tude on ya in a heartbeat! And no less a guy who has 3 Elementary school kids was behind the actual astrology work, now here is the thing. Alone, by itself, in my awesome astrological comprehension of the matter :)...it was great work, I mean dude seriously seriously put alot of effort in there, alot of hard work. But he has to be careful, with astrology, if you don't be careful of what you are doing, it can form ideas for you. It is like one of them things they call when you start getting so disoriented in the desert that you actually start thinking you see water...what is it..hmmm..oh yeah a mirage I think...with astrology it can be like that. You are going along and you start thinking you are seeing what may not be there. Just cause it fits, don't mean it fits. You have to take breaks, you have to be careful not to fill in the extras. I know astrology, I can tell you by trait alone some things most wont pick up on.
Ex. hmm...who shall I pick on :) just for giggles....Joe Rader.
He retired on November 18, 2011. This from what he told me would be near or around his birthday. He is Scorpio. Watch out for them. Sensitive emotionally but the hard outter shell of the scorpio will never let you see it. When he means to come after you, he will, he will not stop until he gets you. Hmm...sounds familiar, haha.
Very good at law enforcement, extremely intellectual, highly protective of his family, does not mince words often. Sneaky, not too trusting. hmmm..yup..haha. Even if this was just his retiring date and not his birthdate, it still says alot about him. It is very close to a cusp, that means his positional sign closer to that cusp is at its strongest. What led him to retirement was at its peak. Highly strong focus on other goals. Very strong occurance for change. His sun sign was screaming change.
Now see, I know things. But I would never tell him these things. I also know things that led up too. Just things he don't need to know.
But this was prime example of just how much astrology plays into the lives of people. It is science, it is not ghost whispering, it is not reading horoscopes, though that too brings alot of perspective, I can tell him anything he wants to know regarding something, but I just don't want too.
Astrology, is not games, you have to respect it, if you are not prepared to play by the rules, you have no business messing with it. And that is how I feel this guy did, the work was good, it was really good, but to use it to get publicity, just not a good idea. Karma is indeed linked to using it for prediction, you cannot use astrology to go back into a horrific event then turn around and use it to predict the next, Karma steps in and says, you do not belong here.
I think it disturbs me to see that, because I think of the people out there trying to help with the positivity astrology can make an impact into doing things like, helping Law Enforcement with cases, several time it has been proven to help, several reports of Law Enforcement requesting the assistance of psychics, and psychic mediums and such, and then you got hip hop happy jackass that comes along and destroys all of that. Not to mention provokes another possible attack, by taking it straight to a reporter, whom also decides to jump in on the action, and whalahh, now all of Giles County has closed their schools tomorrow because the police were alerted through this publication, and has had to take precaution of a potential attack. Great move..idiots.
Are they begging for another mass shooting? I don't get it..you know it just now dawned on me, how I often do not understand the smaller things...but you give me some super complex astrological, physics, calculus, coded, patterned method and I'm good to go...hmmm.. go figure...yes, I'm rambling, I'm quite tired. Anyway, damn it!!! As far as Joe Rader, dude I was so onto you..hahaha..nah, just kiddin..haha..
Well, New Year 2013, looks like its you and me kiddo, lets kick ass! I need a good year, last year sucked frankly and I'm so over it. I get so sick of this world sometimes. I get sick of the people in it alot of times too. But I'm done worrying about all that now. If I kicked all the asses I really wanted too, I'd be pretty damn exhausted just the same, so I guess that just means it wasn't worth it. I'm going into this one with a new attitude, keep my friends and family close, anyone else, dont even think about touching me, don't even think about messing with me at all. Its not a bad attitude, just not puttin up with jack shit this year. Im letting God take over this time.
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