truthbeknown

Monday, January 7, 2013

1-7-13

Well, there is still alot of recouperating to be done from the holidays, finances always gets us this time of year, ugh! I truly despise, finances.

Anywho, that said. Alot happened yesterday. Not so good stuff...I was made to feel so bad about myself that I came home, chopped off more hair, now I look like I did when I met my husband and just before all that I had filled a trash bag as I emptied out my dresser, because I cried all the way home from fishing. I don't know what was worse, being looked at in disgust, or him not showing me any affection in the public, or when he walked off and sat in the truck and just left me standing there.

I got attached to fishing because it is the ONLY time I can have with my husband, he literally works so much that the only quality time I get with him is either fishing, or in the bedroom...and so for him to be that way to me, hurt soo very bad. He didn't exactly like the new hair cut I just got, had been mean to me all yesterday morning, and he just is always making me feel self conscious. He said very mean things and seemed like he was more there for the fish than just spending time with me, I did call him ugly, but in my defense, I was only trying to knock him down a notch or two from being so mean to me. He took it to heart.
But when I stood there in tears, praying for a fish in hopes that if just one would bite then he would want to stay there with me, I would have a chance to make him want to spend more time there with me. It didn't go that way, instead, no fish bit and I reeled his line in, went to the truck and sat there. I thought..how selfish for him to do that, my heart was broken. The more I looked at him, the more angry I got. And was very very hurt. I reeled in my line, took all the bait off, I think when I get that mad, that hyperfocused, everything around me just disappears. Just gone, there might have been about 6-7 other guys there fishing, but I mean, they were just gone. I know I picked up my pole, grabbed my fishing bag, left all his fishing box and net and whatever was laying there, was left there. I went to the truck, threw my pole on the back which bounced very hard across the back of it...opened the door, sat down, slammed the door. He went to say something, and well...I don't even remember, I was so mad I dont remember, but I know I yelled that he was so damn selfish..I shut the seatbelt in the door, so I opened it to release it, slammed the door again, when I did, he said something like, don't, or be careful, cause I slammed it hard enough for his gun to slide down, and I told him don't you say a word to me, don't you so much as speak to me, pointing my finger in his face, I was making myself very clear to him, he said stop putting your finger in my face and gritted his teeth, thrusted himself forward at me threatening me, I could see him going to ball his fist up to hit me, and I said, do it. You wanna hit me so bad you just do it, not a damn thing stopping you, go ahead hit me, right now,  you hit me, and you will wish you didn't! He said is that my stuff sitting there, I said yes it is, you want it you go get it your damn self! So he did. I couldn't even look at him, I didn't want to look at him, he went gathered it all up, I was shaking, crying and just done. He got back in the truck, never said a word...I just stared out the side window, all I could think about, was just get me home, let me get my things, let me get away from him.
He didn't speed, he didn't speak, he wasn't wreckless..we got home. I got out of the truck, I went in the house...I grabbed trash bags, I began filling them. Emptied out my dresser, went through my shoes, he still said nothing, other than to come in the bedroom and ask what was I doing, and I said I'm leaving, I don't want to hear a thing, Ive got nothing to say to you, not one thing. I'm tired of the abuse, I never should have to feel as bad about myself as I did earlier, I didn't marry you to have to feel this way. He asked where I was going, I said I will figure that out when I get there. I looked at my daughter and son, and asked if they were going or staying, they were well old enough to make that choice for themselves. My son opted to stay with his dad, clearly his choice, I was not forcing him to go, nor forcing him to stay. My daughter got more aggravated with the hastiness of the same question, thought I was over reacting, thought something was really wrong with me, argued with me even...making matters so much worse. Normally she is the one wanting me to leave her dad..so this really took me by surprise the way she acted..her dad just sat back and said nothing..was even trying to call me..babe..and hun...I told him don't call me that. For the first time EVER, he was not getting in my way as I went to stick to my decision to leave. I was quite adamant to leave, most certainly! I was trying to unhook the computer and Im trying to get all these wires and cords and things unhooked, so I'm a bit involved in all that trying to figure out what is what, as there are like 3 levels to work with, so I had to kind of focus, still yet determined to leave, in all my pissedoffness..and they kept asking, like over and over how are you gonna get that to the car, and I'm all like, well I'm gonna carry the damn thing, and Ryan is like, you can't..and I'm like, why?? So, I'm like I know for sure I'm capable of carrying a computer to the car, its not that complicated son! So Kourtney comes around the corner, what are you doing Mom? I'm like I'm taking the computer, (breaking down in tears again) I said, it's MINE it was a GIFT to me! As I have to keep standing up to see this cord, and dart back down beneath the desk for other cords, this was quite the task! So then, she is like, you can't take the computer, and Im like why the hell not? She said, how you gonna get it to the car?? I said, what is it with you guys?? !! I know how to carry a computer to my car!! So Thomas, comes around the corner, what are you doing? I said, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I'M TAKING MY COMPUTER TO THE CAR!! He said how you gonna get it there? UGH!! I said, Kourtney, will you please explain to your father how I am gonna get the computer to the car? She turns around and looks at him and said..she thinks she can carry it to the car Dad...Dad, she didn't take her meds this morning did she?
At that point I do believe I broke. Because, I'm not even entitled to be angry without someone thinking I didn't take my medicine, I'm not entitled to feel like I can do something just because THEY don't think I can, I'm not entitled to feel good about myself..just because of a dumb haircut, I'm not even entitled to find some resolve or power for myself to unhook a damn computer and take it to my car. I was drained, and I don't care who you are, when your 14 year old comes down to your little level and puts his arm around you and says, calm down Mom, we love you...you just calm down. In that instance, I felt valued, the one thing I wanted to feel most yesterday, was to be valued by my husband. I wanted to be valued in his eyes, in his heart, enough to want to spend time with me, for me, just for me. I miss that. Most couples that have been married as long as we have for our generation, have not made it a goal to stay married like we have, through thick and thin, don't value what marriage is really all about, have only seen it as a slip of paper...and even more so, only stayed married until their kids was grown, lost the spark, felt like once the obligation to see their kids raised, there was no more obligation. I don't want to be that couple. He is 40..I'm about to be 40, we have grown together, raised two kids together, fought, yes sometimes very severely, with consequence, as well as without consequence, but we have loved, we have seen alot, we have experienced alot, we have hurt alot, but we have also healed through eachother, we have helped eachother in ways that not many other couples would..we have tolerated, we have failed eachother, only to pick eachother right up again. We have laughed together, cried together, listened to eachother, heard eachother, we have hated eachother to the core, talked to eachother and learned from eachother, and loved eachother even more because of it. We have changed eachother. We have struggled together and survived it against most odds for our generation. Every single time I have considered leaving him, he has given me more reasons to stay. We talked and talked holding eachother once I got through my breakdown, he never realized how bad things were piling on, he didn't understand how bad what he was saying was hurting me, he thought he was kidding, if I didn't know him like I know him, I don't think that would have been enough of an explanation to keep me here.
He sincerely, looked into my eyes, holding me and apologized like he meant it, no distractions, no tv, no video games, not a sound, not a single distraction, just him, just me, just us. My husband, in the 19 years we have been married, has never ever, apologized to me that way. I am valuable to him, he realized he doesn't acknowledge how important to me it is for him to show that. And I got to in the same manner, say, I miss you, I miss my husband.
I always tell people I am happily married, Ive told our ups, our downs, I'm not shy about sharing things regarding my marriage, he is abusive at times, he knows this, I give him the opportunity to fix those things, I let him know when he is being that way. And I will defend myself, and he knows I will.
He said last night after our 2nd fishing trip, he said, I didn't say anything on the way home from the first fishing trip this morning, because I was trying NOT to escalate things, he said, I figured if I said anything, I would make it worse, he said, I was already very upset, he said, I didnt speed, I took it very slow going home, so as to not make you more mad, I just gave you time to calm down. He said, as angry and upset as you were, I just knew I had to let you cool down.
I said, that was good, but in a way not good, because I thought, you weren't speaking because you were just as mad as I was, in my mind I was done. I took your not speaking as though, you agreed. I said but what you did was the right thing to do, I was highly upset and angry, and I was leaving for good. I love you Thomas, but I cannot live this world feeling so bad about myself that way. NO girl deserves to ever feel that bad or hurt ever. He asked where I was going to go, he guessed my Moms house, I said, I really don't know, cause I was just feeling bad enough to leave, I didn't care where I go, or end up, I just wanted to get away from hurting that bad. You don't think you can hurt someone so bad with words, well you can. I would rather someone haul off and hit me hard as they can than to hurt me with words. Especially if it is someone who is supposed to love you no matter what.

So, all ended up well yesterday after that..just another bump in the road. There will be plenty more I'm sure, marriage means something to me, and to him, it is where we came from, how we were raised, it doesn't stop just because your kids are grown, it doesn't stop because things don't go your way, it doesn't stop because things are difficult, but it will stop if you don't truly value eachother anymore, if you cannot be obligated to eachother anymore, if you truly don't love eachother anymore.
Ive learned through this one, that maybe its not wise to take for granted what someone else might be thinking, or use ones own weakness to retaliate. If you are kidding or joking, say you are, don't expect someone to know that. There were two entirely different perceptions at work through that ordeal, had we respected that, it might not have fueled the escalation, it might not have erupted the way did, thankfully I didn't actually walk out, start the car and drive away. I can't even think of where I might have been right now. I wouldnt have wanted to bother anyone I know. So I feel pretty certain, I would have ended up just anywhere. I'm just not one who can be pushed to the level of leaving. Along with knowing my husband, friends and family, I also know who I am too.

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