Sunday, September 30, 2012



[ri-sip-ruh-keyt] Show IPA verb, re·cip·ro·cat·ed, re·cip·ro·cat·ing.
verb (used with object)
to give, feel, etc., in return.
to give and receive reciprocally; interchange: to reciprocate favors.
to cause to move alternately backward and forward.
verb (used without object)
to make a return, as for something given.
to make interchange.
to be correspondent.
to move alternately backward and forward.
Reciprocateis one of our favorite verbs.
So is skedaddle. Does it mean:
to run away hurriedly; flee.
chat, to converse

1605–15; < Latin reciprocātus past participle of reciprocāre to move back and forth. See reciprocal, -ate1

re·cip·ro·ca·tive, re·cip·ro·ca·to·ry [ri-sip-ruh-kuh-tawr-ee, -tohr-ee] Show IPA, adjective
re·cip·ro·ca·tor, noun
non·re·cip·ro·cat·ing, adjective
un·re·cip·ro·cat·ed, adjective
un·re·cip·ro·cat·ing, adjective

1. return, respond, retaliate.
Example Sentences
  • Establishing strong relationships requires that program staff initiate and reciprocate.
  • Accordingly, it is strongly recommended that if a seller pays for an activity that the buyer reciprocate.
Every now and then I like to bring to light a word that people don't often think about.
This is one that some should learn.
This is a word that my mind doesn't understand when someone doesn't reciprocate things.
Through my illness this word was something pounded into me religiously, because I wouldn't learn to open up and speak. I didn't learn how valuable this word really is until I encounter someone who doesn't know what it means, and so I can't process in my mind how people can be this way.
It can easily stress me out to no end to be expected in my life by my doctors and therapists or reciprocate to others..but then when I expect that of others and it isn't given, I just don't know what to think...I can't process it. I'm frozen because there is no explanation, there is no reason..there is nothing. It is an unacceptable in my head to think something is what it is and there is no reason behind it, when everything has a reason. If I do not reciprocate then my husband worries, friends worry, therapists or counselors worry..everyone in my life worries.
When people don't reciprocate with me, I feel lost, begin to try to rationalize something I can't..but I will never stop trying too. Because...I can't is the same thing as I give up. Ive always been told that.
People say let it me..let it go means give up. That is quitting...I don't and won't quit.
My mind doesn't process the same as others..its like saying..." I care about you but you are getting on my nerves"...this is how my mind works.
If you make a statement like I care about you...then say but you are getting on my nerves, that single word...but...just canceled out the first portion of that sentence. All I am able to process, is the "your getting on my nerves" part..which is a judgement. You have put the feeling before the truth. It is human nature for honesty to come last. Its like something bad get through that bad time then BOOM the truth. OUCH!
You can always tell, who reads just the first part of an email, or the last part of an email, the ones who like you, read the first part...those who tolerate just the last part..those who read the whole damn thing and reciprocate...those are real treasures...they are the ones really listening to you, the ones that really care.
Nah, people don't need to be worried about my illness...worry more about my intelligence..I don't process things too good sometimes..that is true...but I am seriously far from dumb!


My mind has been on a spinning wheel for a while, it doesn't slow down much. Not most times. I always been a rapid thinker. I don't like that really not much at all.

I feel like it pushes people away from me. I mean, I am able to come to idea and conclusion so much quicker than most people. Eventually you can tell what other people feel before they even speak to you. I often don't know why I ask people how they feel about something when I already know what they are going to say.

My whole life is like that vivid dream that you have of something happening and you wake up go on about your day and what you dreamed actually happens or comes true. Too many times has it come true for me, that people wonder why I am so inclined to follow what I believe. Naturally, I have more faith in my intuitions that most do, that part is understandable. But to repeatedly see the same dream come true, eventually, despite the fact that others refuse to KNOW it is going to come true, you just can't pin point it to a specific day. If we could, we could stop murderers before they happened..theives before they steal..liars before they lie...betrayars from betraying.

I have the power to channel, most don't know what that is, most see it as a curse, I have often times thought the same. Most don't even know what kind of power that can hold, and how exhausting it can be. Most have so many misconceptions regarding the issue. Most wouldn't have a clue about how to handle such things. I didn't either honestly. Unfortunately I don't get that choice.

I'm not special, I'm about sick and tired of being special. My kind of special..really isn't special, its a nuisance..for them and for me. I can feel so alone in my own world/environment sometimes, and its phenomenally amazing how I can read or hear someone say " I'm here for you"...and instantly know whether it is genuine, or passive.

Ive detached alot here recently, as I've spent two weeks seriously sick and one week battling my illness in such a way that my previous post truly peaked a pivotal moment in my state of psychosis..
Embarassing, you better believe it! I had to go back over several emails, and several texts to figure out what the heck went wrong and how many I affected. I didn't feel it coming on, as usual, but I did see I targeted someone.

Most of us that have psychosis, as a part of our illnesses, when we aren't doing so well, whatever is hurting us at the time, becomes our target. A target is the point of breaking and inevitably becomes the basis of our obsession at that point in time.

For example, for is religion, music, someone in the family, someone we may feel threatened by, or whatever emotions they were trying to deal with before breaking point. It goes from normal conversation, to complete reality loss. If it is scary for you...imagine how it must be for us. Not to mention we have to deal with later realizing just how bad it was.

I have an illness folks. Its not a pretty one, I tell the officers I speak to all the time, about these things. I leave nothing out, the raw detail placed right before them, to include things like this. I have had to learn to be honest and most people can't handle that..those that can, are true treasures to have..

Ive discovered that the target I unfortunately picked in my episode, apparently was honestly no true friend...not that he wasn't a friend...just not a true friend. This was his choice. Looking back over everything, I was truly not within reality, and people probably had every right to pick up the phone to my doctor and have a word or two with him. My husband helped bring me back out of it, though it took a good bit of sleep/resting. I literally became afraid to move out of my bed for atleast two days.
I texted friends that had time to respond.

Inevitably, my mission is to survive this hell, being as positive a person as I can be, with or without my targets help. I do suppose he lives a hell all his own. I have no right to judge his hell, but only to survive my own.

Ive been detached too much here lately, but purposefully so. I am withdrawn, but purposefully so.

I just don't want to be special...a channeler...I feel like I need to be out of the way..I very few friends that I can count on one hand that are my true friends aside from family...that have been loyal to me for years. I think I will stick with them.

I will not post anymore to fb other than to share a inspirational picture here or there. Its there, and it can sit there. Other than that I have no use for it.

I will post here. Since only my one friend follows me and understands me...I always, ALWAYS, love her advice, whether I want to hear it or not, she is ALWAYS real with me, she knows when I am well, when I'm not well, she makes time for me, she listens to me, she HEARS me. Many times was there when no one else was, more times than I can count. This was never TEMPORARY helping to her, she took me on as a friend and family, because she authentically and genuinely cared.

Some may shake their head...sigh..maybe even giggle...thinking or uttering...calling her nothing more than a that I say, FUCK YOU! Take a seat... watch... and learn bitch, cause that right there, is a REAL friend!

Yeah, those are my thoughts at this moment, people take others for granted..they just shouldn't. My target is gone now. And I don't miss him. I'm doing pretty good without him.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012


they are evil.

they burn smoke in daylight

they rot because they are melons of the beach

they are not smart
like they think they are

they lie

i don'[t trust them now
they hate me

i see thery ghost and they will go to hell

we feel their vioces and its ice

adn on on fire

they are lies
they are not smart

they decieve and they lie

they don't feel


they don['t protect and she wasgood

Morgan knows someone will join her

adn thy will let her die too
the answers re in the house ofmusic
hewas suppose to protect her and he failed

his help was the camera
that lether out the door

and the killer knew the drill
adn he watches anohter girl right now
they will not protect her'

they will let her die
and i told them so
Itold them all

and thekilled hertoo
he willnot be gotten

because the protecteer is the killer.

I told them so.

ifthe killer is the protefctor
only the killergets protected.
and another one will die

Wednesday, September 19, 2012


I mentioned before I would express from time to time how I'm doing and how I feel.

Today, no I don't feel so well. Due to the case, I am extremely not well.

I've analyzed, tried to understand in different ways than I am used to thinking.

I'm empty.

I do not understand the way people thinks, much less of how they think of me. This confuses me most.

I do my best not to panic, be paranoid, be oversensitive, or judgemental. Yet everyone sees or thinks I am being those things.

I think often that people just tolerate me. They want to keep me calm, yet they aren't. I see things before me that they can't possibly see. Whispers of " I hear what your saying..but..." haunt my mind at this point. They really don't HEAR what I'm saying. Or atleast I don't feel that way.

Their minds processes to collect one thing at a time and analyze that, and move along, analyzing things piece by piece, until something fits.  My mind does not do that.  My mind collects everything since the day I began this journey with them, every single detail. My mind operates several pieces of a puzzle at the same time.

I'm tired now, I'm tired of smooth talkings, tired of passiveness, tired of inconsiderations, tired of encouragements to tell or show things, because I will not be truly heard anyway, I'm tired of charades, tired of games both physical and emotional. I'm sick of when I offer something to certain branches of LE that pick up the phone and call another branch of LE that I certainly didn't trust to start with, to ask about ME, not the info I gave, but ME.

I see the pattern, have seen it for a long time, I get the same damn passive treatment every single time.

And they didn't think I was smart enough to catch on.

Yeah, I made friends, I made good friends, I made friends that knew whatever I found would never go anywhere. Maybe they should ask themselves...would they have wanted done that way?

I'm going to empty my trash can. I'm going to do what everyone has been hinting for me to do. Move on. It was getting old living in someone else's life anyway.

Chances are, if you aren't believed in, you were never believed in the first place, unfortunately I cared too much to let go,  I cared too much to want to believe that was really happening.

I'm sick to my stomach, I have a headache, I can't eat right, I truly could fade away, but it would be the FIRST time in this whole situation, I can honestly say, I just don't care now.

Long Time No See

Wow, its been a while since I was here.

In a sense I'm surprised that I returned, I'm not.

Most people have some kind of outlet, I don't. Not at this point in time, because all I want to do at this moment, is fade away.

I'm not sure I want to be a "helpful" person anymore. I mean face it, the maze is long and windy, you get a few friends here, a few friends get attached and I think that word itself has a curse to it.

The attachment hurts the most. Its not bad as long as there is forewarning that there can be no attachment, however, without that warning it can be akin to sticking a knife in someones back and twisting and turning until there is nothing left but a big gaping hole.

I feel stupid. Stupid to trust, stupid to care, stupid to learn, stupid for trying, stupid for trying to make a difference, ultimately stupid for wasting their time. All the hurt, crying, risks, worries, making sure's, the double checking, the panic, the paranoia, the dreams, relentless dreams. Facts aren't enough, hearing isn't enough, seeing isn't enough, words aren't enough..maybe I am just not enough.

What was I suppose to think?

Do people really think I didn't know I was talked about?

Do they think I wouldn't know?

Do they think at all?

Am I really the only one that dwells on helping a family and LE find who did this?

Am I the only one with the unhealthy practice of taking on too much?

Am I supposed to honestly sit back and continue to "take one for the team"?

These questions await answers...and to the tune of crickets I wait.