truthbeknown

Monday, January 30, 2012

Prescriptions and Procedures

OMG!! If I have to take another stinkin pill in a days time, I'm gonna explode..haha.

In prescription, I take 7.5 pills a day, in Supplemental, I take 25 pills a day. Overall, I'm taking 32.5 pills a day...that's crazy!

I wrote a poem years ago, called Pills of Illusion, I had written it based on being angry, because I had finally seen what all this medicine was...superficial. It was probably the moment I had to contend with that opened my eyes to the fact that there truly was no cure for this.These meds, they are nothing more than a band aid, a maintenance for a medical/mental condition that will never have a cure. That reality, totally sucks.

I actually took some big risks, I mean pretty bad risks...I had gotten fed up...decided I was going to take the bull by the horns, and in my rough and tough, don't mess with this nature...I stopped them all! I gave them up, I was cured!! Or so I thought, haha. Whooohooo! I was strollin along, thinkin, "I got this boys"!! Oh wow, was I soo soo very wrong. I made it, for like a year and a half...that would be right about the time I got tested, wow a months worth of vigorous testings...I recall I had the attitude of.."nah nah nah nah, can't touch this!" Well folks, that totally backfired on me.

I had originally went to this neuropsychologist to prove just how much there WASN'T wrong with me..that all these years them docs were lying about me. I mean seriously, they had me diagnosed with just about everything out there to include schitzoaffective disorder, and so very many others. Even had me on just about every single med out there, and was about to at last resort, put me on chlozaril, and for anyone who knows what medicine that is, it literally destroys your immune system, it could kill you. You so much as catch a cold while taking that stuff and boom, your down, and likely might not survive.

Well, come to find out I was right...and quite wrong at the same time. At the point after testings, and referred to the current psychiatrist, I was told, I was literally a genuine walking ticking time bomb. Wasn't exactly the best news of the year as I had been in denial for quite some time and believed that I had not a thing wrong with me, I figured, I look normal, I act normal (most of the time)...so it was a bit depressing to be proven wrong. I did however learn, that schitzoaffective disorder, is a diagnosis often given, when they just can't figure out what the hell is wrong with ya...sweeeet! Well that certainly did explain the long list of diagnosis I had then. That part initially, wasn't too bad to hear, because atleast that meant I was on the right road to figure out what truly was wrong, get the right answers finally to get the right meds and no longer put up with the hell I had been through, being thrown in this facility and that facility, being given this med, going through this adverse side effect, and that one, and this allergic reaction...the worst by far was the anaphylaxis, that totally was not cool!

I wasn't however prepared to hear that I truly was bipolar, I really wanted to let that one go too. The others, like the panic and anxiety, yes, I could accept that, my car accident, and PTSD, all that was pretty explainable...the ADD certainly threw me for a loop, but I could see how it wouldn't be that far fetched, now the other two...the Visual Perception Disorder, and the Dissociative Disorder...those two, I hadn't even heard of, while it explained alot, I kind of wanted to push those away. Nothing can be done at all for the visual perception disorder because it basically means, I am both right and left brain dominant, the problem with this is that it generally is diagnosed as a child, and I believe I was diagnosed with it at age 35. Was far too late for correction as it is a learning issue...it means, I would have to relearn everything I ever have to conform with the same way others learn, basically, impossible, I have adapted in my own ways. I had too. Most don't understand this condition because it is so rare. I am able to learn both ways, by sight and audio/verbal, however, I am not able to learn with the two together. I can listen and learn, I can see and learn, but I cannot learn by both hearing and seeing. One side of the brain sends off these little electrical signals for hearing, the other side for visual...being I am both left and right brain dominant, when I hear and see at the same time, they fire off at the same time, one gets cut out, which means I cannot react the same. I can hardly watch someone who talks and moves their hands at the same time..I can do the same thing..talk with my hands...as they call it...but I cannot watch someone else do that....this causes me problems in my karate...because I literally have to focus on one or the other. I will often have problems performing my kata's because music is playing, unless I can tone it out. Lastly dissociative disorder...this had become an issue when I started relapsing, I'd been through some horrific hospital visits which resulted in traumatic situations, which indeed resulted in dissociations, it is a defense mechanism, that my brain seems to feel is necessary to "escape reality" of what is happening...these are no fun people...they have actually resulted in some dangerous things. Such as being behind the wheel of a vehicle and driving to Lord knows where, getting there, feeling lost, scared and not knowing how to get back home. I've experienced these for so long now, that they tend to switch on and off at will, even when there is nothing wrong. I am quite capable of being one of those individuals you would hear of on the news that ends up in Alaska not knowing how she got there, it's very scary. While I have to take medicine to get through these episodes, and depending for how long these episodes are going on, once we are down to the point of lesser episodes, such as for expample...like less than 2 in six months, then I am allowed off of those meds. And if you don't think they are real, I have some friends that will gladly prove otherwise, as well as doctors. I actually bring it up at most of my CIT meetings I speak at because, it is not discussed much as something law enforcment officers do actually face out there. You take them on as you would a sleep walker, you don't yell, you guide, takes alot of patience. We are often able to go on, and physically function, like, drive a car, perform karate, have a full conversation even, but probably will stop talking in mid conversation, its like being on autopilot, and the only remedy that I have been told by my doctors is to shut down, instantly, just as if you are rebooting your computer, a strong fast sedative. Basically enough tranquilization to shut down a mule. I despise these episodes, you often don't remember what happened, you don't know where you are until you come out of one. Sometimes you can remember bits and pieces but it is almost always in a dream like fashion. I recall once I was in a hospital, I apparently became quite combative, wasn't too pretty from my understandings, they were attempting to restrain me to a chair, a rather big nurse was tending to my feet, to attach them to a chair, I apparently lifted my foot and kicked her square in the chest, dropped her to the floor...I never knew I never even knew I did that, I found out a year later, she told me herself. I felt horrible, I'm not the least bit of a mean, vicious, or violent person! I apologized all over myself, I was in total disbelief that I was even capable of such a thing. To this day, I couldn't imagine doing that to someone that wasn't outright attacking me. I'd been accused of kicking a police officer square in the "you know where's", and lifting a 300+ lb man up off the floor with my legs. I was told I broke a nurse's aides finger, and sure enough, he was wearing a splint on it, none of these things I remember, none of them, I was told after the fact. These were dissociations.

Anyway, although I resent having to take medicines, I do understand why it is necessary, I don't want to be someone who hurts people, I want to be someone who will use my strength for good not bad. I want to have self control in any state of mind. I didn't do all that research on my conditions for nothing, I did it to learn more about them, to learn what I needed to do to help myself, and keep from doing that to people the best I could. I believe with all my heart I am a very good person, I want to stay that way, I don't like it when I am not well and unpredictable, believe it or not, it scares me just as much as it scares everyone around me.

So I suppose I will stick to my 32.5 meds a day for now..haha!

Reality Check

You know sometimes I need reality checks...

A good wake up call, my illnesses sometimes don't really allow me those. Its a sad thing really. Because I can go along for months in my own little world, expecting things to happen without either putting forth a decent effort, or even thinking everything is going ok, despite the fact it really isn't. I often don't see or miss when something is wrong.. and plug along anyway. And I don't get to find out until my heart is either broken as a result or I get devastated when it is flashed before my eyes, that I just simply didn't do what was required to accomplish what I wanted too. And worse yet, take on blaming those that were really innocent bystanders.

What the heck is wrong with me? All this time I'm taking this issue up with the wrong people, and I'm thinking its their fault when it is mine. I'm acting selfish, like it is everyones fault but my own. I'm not this person!!!! I am better than this!

It is like Ive been seriously distracted, my ADD, doesn't allow me to stay focused and this is just no good! It is not everyone elses responsibility to keep me focused, though the help is extremely appreciated, wow where would I be without it! Ive been acting like a big damn baby at my own cost.

I get frustrated that I cannot learn the same way as everyone else. How do I help them help me? I struggle to help myself alot. Rendering me depending on others to help me, how do I get them to understand that? I feel stupid to ask them. Inevitably, I end up feeling stupid, lower, less than, useless, worthless, discouraged and unable to eventually even think for myself. It is not their fault, and yet not mine. Wow the internal struggle this can build into, and then eventually, I come out looking selfish, bitter, with pity parties and "issues" that no one wants to get involved with. They often don't realize there is no fix for this. There is no fix for mental illness, it is maintained only. It is a curse, one I couldn't possibly wish not even on my worst enemy.

I am diagnosed, ADD, the most severe bipolar someone can even have, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Visual Perception Disorder, Panic and Anxiety Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder and Dissociative Disorder....and somehow, someway, amazingly, I am still not the most Fucked up, violent person that walks the face of this earth, I have an IQ/aptitude, measured by a neuropsychologist to be in the 150-160 range, I have indeed been called a savant, genius, even a muse by friends and family and yes even doctors, but how does a person so smart, so brilliant, so articulate, so impressive, feel so damn dumb? Struggle so much, have to answer to Lord knows everyone, and struggle to get through every moment of every day? It is everybit like a cancer in remission. It is cruel, it is relentless, and I never got a choice, I never made a bad choice in my life to deserve such a thing!

I see things in patterns, codes, colors, and numbers, my mind is totally cryptic. I honestly believe that my karate instructor has figured this out, I believe alot of my karate family has seen me struggle with this, I believe my doctors, and Dan Harrington know exactly what this is like for me, they all see a side of me even my own family probably couldn't realize or relate too. I believe I may have about 3 friends that can really down deep understand me, its the rest of them I have to fight, to contend with, to help them understand what they might not even be capable of understanding.

I want to stand so strong, I want to be the one people look up too, if not, then atleast be able to look square in the eyes and say, you are an amazing person for what you go through. I need that, probably more than most. Instead, I often, more than not, get misunderstood, frowned upon for either being too emotional, or sappy, or for not being able to comprehend the same way as everyone else. I get dismissed, shunned, overlooked, expected to learn and do the same things as everyone else, I am often misunderstood as being "just like" everyone else, simpy because I don't look mentally ill, there is nothing visibly that says, wow, she's a nut, stay away from her, yet I am treated as if I do. I do try alot of self encouragement, but that is quickly washed away when I see someone, gain, or get more than me.

Best way I can describe it, is like almost being able to reach something and not quite being able to grasp it, its there, I'm reaching, I'm almost touching it, and it just keeps slighly moving away, just enough that I can't touch it, grasp it, grab ahold of it. This people, is my life. I try just as hard as anyone else, I am able to retain, I am able to learn, just not the same way. I have short term memory loss. You will often see my good days and my bad days on here, you will see me question myself, my morals, my beliefs, my self worth. You will see me at my best, and at my worst. I don't consider this self pity, I consider it trying to vent in whatever way is needed, both positive and negative to sort out in my mind what I cannot or have trouble dealing with, it is a theraputic measure, it is all I have to not dwell, stew, or hold onto what needs to be said, done or dealt with. What I say won't always be polite, decent or flow like my poetry can. Sometimes I have to see, here on typed words, right in front of my eyes, to understand whether I really am being a selfish person, a bitter person, a decent person, or an accomplished person. Lately, I have been a selfish, lazy, bitter person, I cannot figure out why...I need to know that, I want to move on from that, I want to use every bit of potential I have, that I do know I possess. I have been shown that, when I earned my brown belt, I was so happy, for once I crossed a barrier I didn't ever think I could. It is just simply TOO DAMN late to turn around now. To give up, to throw all that I worked hard for away, to turn people away that honestly and truly within the deepest of their hearts, cared about me. To detach and walk away from something I held so very dear in my heart. Burning bridges is a very nasty thing...I learned to do this by someone that enjoyed hurting people, someone that latched onto me and didn't let go. Someone that distracted me severely, withered me down to practically nothing. I didn't just lose confidence/trust in everyone else around me, I lost it in myself. I have a very bad habit of mirroring what is around me, people that give me confidence, I often reflect that confidence...people that tear me down, I often reflect that as well. It is a mimicking thing I suppose, yet another trait I wish I didn't have. But it is there, so I suppose my efforts would be best served to surround myself with people that care, that give me confidence, that have that to offer, to give, without expecting things back, to be unconditional once again, I miss that. That was a very good part of me.

Well this one was certainly long enough. I will deem today, that I will spend every last bit of energy I have within me, to stay on a positive track, not relapse, get myself around positive people, step up instead of down, get away from the internet for a while, live my life...repair burnt bridges, put forth more effort, get involved in my goals and accomplishments, straighten my ass out, bring up my attitude, not waste another ounce of my energy on things out of my hands and people that intend to bring me down, hurt me, cause distrust, pain and manipulations. Depend on myself the best I can, love my husband, kids, family and Karate friends and family unconditionally, and few close friends that I do have,as they indeed a very big part of who I am today! I simply have to learn somehow, someway,  to try to take responsibility for myself  both good things and bad. The more people that help me pint that through my head the better, hopefully it will become second nature to me, like instinct, like my karate, I would love that.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Apologies?

Hmmm....well, Michael, we sure met again. You went to TheHook and posted, well good. However not so good that you decided to pick on yet another person reaching out to help in Morgan's case. Someone whom didn't nothing more and nothing less than take the facts as reported by VSP and media and Dan Harrington himself and went to work correlating and putting together facts. She did what you never stopped to think of doing. Her work was excellent by far, again you get jealous and feel the need to publicly question her and her work, doubt her as if you have a right too. Make her feel nervous, afraid to help, useless, worthless as if her work couldn't possibly be as good as yours. Not happenin! I am past the point of caring to be polite with you. Here or anywhere else. You are above no one! So  yes, I went to the hook, I expressed what she needed to know, I took chances to be crucified in the face of the public to let them know that they didn't need to be anymore afraid of you than I am. You think going on there and apologizing publicly to the both of us, just patches things up, undoes all the damage you have done to Dan and Gil and anyone that cared to help them and Morgan's case? Think again!

Michael, incase you haven't quite realized it yet, you won't fix this one. This one won't be repaired with "I'm sorry's" and " I love you's", or "please forgive me's"...It simply won't be fixed at all. Too much damage was done, your lies had lies. your hurts had hurts, and 10 gallons of chlorine wouldn't ever clean up the mess you caused.

There isn't anything you can say that would hurt, nor phase me. Take your empty threats and apologies, and go. We are done with you.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Human Rights

I attended our monthly State Hospital Local Human Rights Committee meeting yesterday. Another endeavor I am highly grateful to be a part of, I belong to two, one for the state hospital (not named for privacy concerns)...and the other a Community Service Board Local Human Rights Committee, which those meetings are held every quarter.

Our Regional Advocate, he is awesome! Adore him beyond belief! He steps up to the plate well, guides us, and allows us to be the best advocates we can as committee members. We are at times the only hope for a patient to have and be given their due rights as everyone involved and related to their care within the hospital does have to go through us, our concerns must be both addressed and remedied on behalf of patients rights within the facility.

With me being on both committees, I was asked to attend a formal meeting held by State Advocacy Officials. This is a pretty big honor to have. Especially to be a consumer. I am indeed pretty excited to attend this meeting. They are the top level, we are local human rights, they are state human rights, the only thing higher than them, is legislation. Which I am headed that way. I want to see what is available to the mentally ill out there, and if need be, work my way into making differences at the highest of levels. I have some goals in mind. Some ideas that would prove worthy to set in motion on the legislation level. I feel it is about time that there are some things that could be changed to benefit both mentally ill and the goverment, if mentally ill were doing better according to these changes, and shows improvement, this would overall benefit the government in statistical proof and as well monetarily.

I have stated before, there is power in even a mentally ill mind.....

To tell them, no one listens, no one wants to hear it...

To show them, they have no choice but to see.

Climbing the Ladder

Its been an interesting few days or so...I went to talk to a local officer I have the pleasure of being a friend too. It was difficult to approach him, being in the mindset that I had to, no needed to know, law enforcements, or atleast our local law enforcements standpoint was regarding CIT before I could continue.

You see, since visiting that Huffington Post board, I had become rather skeptical of LE's intention in helping the mentally ill, when it came to the CIT program. I needed to know whether they were utilizing the program strictly to know how to "handle" or "deal with" the mentally ill appropriately to make their jobs easier, or did they really have the best interest of the mentally ill people in their communities at heart?

I was struggling with this so hard. I'd even put the director of our local CIT program in the middle in the process as he had emailed me to allow me the dates of the next classes, and the dates I would be needed to speak to all local LE. Bless his ever so forgiving heart for being patient with me as I upon that email wrote to say...."Don't know if I want to be around LE anymore". Indeed he could have dumped me right there, not wanting to deal with the conflict, instead, he wrote me back in compassion, allowed me to know I wasn't alone in how I felt. I was very grateful for that, little did I even realize, he lives on the same fine line I do. I decided then to go ahead and face the issue head on with LE. I suppose I had come to realize that running from everything I want to be a part of was not going to work. And yet, I still needed to be comfortable in the environment as well. So, I made the appointment, I went in, and it proved to be the best thing I ever did.

He was honest, even if I didn't want to hear it, he was honest, that is a treasure to me. I will always be grateful for honesty whether I want to hear it or not, because atleast it isn't a lie. I'm most certain he may have felt just as uncomfortable with some of the ways I had put things, as I tend to not have a filter, and what is in the mind comes straight out the mouth with me. I certainly don't mince words, when I'm well or not well.

I walked away feeling confident again, he told me what a value I was in the CIT  program, and that he intends to have all his officers trained in the program. That to lose me from the program would be a great loss because, there aren't many being multi diagnosed severely mentally ill that is as articulate in speaking as I am. He feels the details that I have to offer his officers can be an invaluable asset to help slow them down and put them in our shoes for a bit. He also hopes to break the stereotyping and stigma barriers between LE and the mentally ill, which is exactly why I joined CIT to begin with. I don't get paid to go in there and tell my story to those EMT, Fire and Police personnel, it is strictly voluntary. My heart and soul dedicated to ending criminalization of the Mentally Ill. Breaking those stereotypes and stigma's associated with it, is a giant step in the right direction. He was unaware I am also involved in 2 other governmentally funded programs. I must have talked with him for around an hour, and it made a huge impact on me.

This officer is also the Captain of our local PD. He didn't just "have" time for me, he made time for me, as about the first half an our of our conversation was interrupted for the need to listen to his radio as his officers were in pursuit of an individual that began in a vehicle, in which he bailed out of, had many of them running on foot, through this street, and that street, then through a river, and finally after much struggling, he was arrested. He could have gotten up and walked away from our conversation to tend to his officers, but instead, he resumed our conversation anyway. I'm pretty sure I can feel confident in where his heart is.

I will resume with the CIT program, despite the rest of this countries officers think, I know my heart is in the right place, and I know our local PD  does indeed have our best interest at heart, I can only hope his kind spreads across this nation like a wildfire. He certainly is a really good man.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Stereotyping by Law Enforcement

Well I am back, Ive been away for nearly a week, absorbed in a board from the Huffington Post, that had an article posted of a cop whom hit a special needs woman on a bus, a veteran returning form Iraq, saw this occur, felt it was abusive on the cops behalf and video recorded the incident and it, in which it was broadcast nationally.

I couldn't help but comment and post my views, being a mentally ill individual I could relate to how this must have felt for her. As I have been in a predicament myself a time or two in which I was indeed restrained if not by law enforcement but security from various facilities in which I had been admitted too.

There was many in support of my views, I had felt what the officer did was nothing short of abuse to that woman as the video clearly shows a woman officer to be holding her left arm behind her back and the man officer in front holding her other hand down as he proceeded to viciously raise his arm and with his elbow hit her in the side of her face very hard. This is a mixed martial arts move that has every bit of potential of being a fatal move.

It is reported also that she had four prior convictions of assault with one to include against an officer. However in my experience I have indeed known officers to "create" such charges, out of 1) being angry 2)provocation, and 3) to give a bad record to a mentally ill person wrongfully. It will then incrue as the mentally ill person leaves the facility and a record, like a credit report, will follow a mentally ill person everywhere, so hence the next time a law enforcement officer has to tend to that mentally ill individual they not only approach the mentally ill person in a cautious manner but a forceful one as well, I attempted to make this clear, however, any law enforcement posting to this particular comment board, did nothing more than side with this officer.

The report, which was relatively limited in information, stated that the lady boarded the bus with a stroller full of pillows, she apparently became symptomatic, in which no one states whether this was provoke by another passenger, and law enforcement didn't specify whether that alone was looked into or not, but it appeared as though none of that mattered, however, went on to state that one of the passengers dialed 911 and proceeded to exclaim that she was yelling, and attempting to hit another passenger described to be a senior citizen. The police followed the bus to the next bus stop, boarded the bus, and that is the point in which the veteran from Iraq proceeded to video record with his cell phone, the officers boarded, as the video shows, one man, one woman officer, the female officer behind the mentally ill woman has ahold of her left arm, the male officer has ahold of her other arm, and he lifts his right elbow up and comes very forcefully across her face hitting her with his elbow. She was taken down into a seat and restrained again and other officers board the bus and she is removed from the bus. The recording stops. The officer saw the vet video recording going on and after the vet gets off the bus, the male officer approaches him, demanding the phone threatening the vet he too would be arrested if he did not hand over the cell phone. He removed the smart card chip from the phone and handed it over.

Being a part of Human Rights Committees for our local area as well as Crisis Intervention Team programs, I found this to be a serious, serious, violation of her rights. To include being abused by the officers.

Let me explain why.

1) The officers approached her due to a past record that does not necessarily reflect her behavior at that point in time.

2) The officers neglected to get to the root of the problem, not necessarily meaning her.

3)The female officer was attempting to detain her in a civil manner, as the male officer used a potentially fatal mixed martial arts, elbow manuever. Potentially injuring other passengers.

4) The officer very well knew she was mentally ill prior to showing up and boarding the bus.

5) The officers likely knew she likely wouldn't realize or understand her miranda rights and that is assuming they were even explained to her.

6) "Almost" hitting a senior citizen is not the same thing as "hitting' a senior citizen, whe was not in the act of hitting anyone.

7) Yelling is not an offense worthy of an elbow to the face.

I spent 4 or 5 days on this Huffington Board, explaining all of this, the majority of posters commenting did indeed agree this was highly abusive to a mentally ill person. Yet there were officers indeed fighting and proclaiming that what this officer did was right.

Above all, this showed me there is so very much work left to be done, in both the educational and psychological departments concerning police and the tactics used to approach and handle mentally ill individuals in episode.
They seem to believe using prior record speaks for what a mentally ill individual is experiencing at future points in time, and it doesn't work that way. They also tend to believe that just because it is on that record that it is above all truthful, just because it was a charge coming from another officer, when I know better I have seen the tactics used by law enforcement to purposefully build a record on a mentally ill individual so as to control them within a facility as well as outside one in society. Building a record on a mentally ill person is a very controlling and wrongful thing to do. But it does indeed happen and so much more common that anyone is willing to admit.

I did manage to control the board, there wasn't one individual cop or otherwise that could contest my input or even give me good challenging things to think about that may have changed my mind in what that officer did that was wrong and abusive to that mentally ill woman. If a cop refused to believe admit they are doing wrong, then they will always get the same results and nothing is fixed. I don't understand why these things are allowed to continue, nor do I understand the mentality behind it but I do however know that it is a huge problem and it only adds to the public fear mongering behind the mentally ill, a strong unnecessary stereotypical force meant to keep the mentally ill beneath their thumbs. These communities need C.I.T programs and they need to see that mentally ill people are human, not animals to be beat on, ignored and thrown away forever. These are peoples mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, daughters and sons.
This woman was attempting to walk past the officer and get off the bus as instructed to do so by him, she was stopped for no reason, restrained and elbowed to the face...why on earth was any of that necessary?

These officers need to change if they want better results with the mentally ill. Otherwise I am forced to believe they simply enjoy abusing them, just because they can.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

FindMorgan.com

Imagine having it come across the news, that a 20yr old girl went missing from a Metallica concert just 25 minutes away from your house.

Her name was Morgan Dana Harrington.

Scary thought huh? Yes it was. Her photo streaming across every news media across the state, in newspapers, there wasn't anywhere you could go that the face of Morgan Harrington wasn't staring right back at you, a very pretty girl, blonde hair, blue eyes, daunting the same image of my own daughter before she colored her hair.

People searching and searching looking for some hint of her, everywhere, anywhere. Unfortunately she was one who wasn't found, not alive anyway, and it was an instant feeling of sadness, of horrible, horrible sadness, my heart went heavy for her family. I wanted to reach out to them so bad.

From the moment she went missing, people couldn't stop talking about her...wanting to know what happened, and being she was found on a farm nearly ten miles away from where she was last seen, the first thing, the very first thing that popped in people's minds, around here anyway was that it had to be a hunter.
No, no I wasn't buying this idea, not at all! Primarily because I do hunt, and even your most crooked hunters out there, would never put someone (had they killed them) out of the woods, they would take them deeper into the woods, a hunter finds some peace, some solace, some serenity, and seclusion away from, deeper within the woods, not out in a field, they instinctively know if a deer is an open target in a field they would be too.

She was found on January 26, 2010, and I really wanted to do what I could to do support them,  I wanted to reach my heart out to them, in some form, in some way, so I went online in search of a way to connect and offer my love, support, and prayers. And on January 27, 2010, I found FindMorgan.com online and registered myself to the site.

People were so welcoming, from the moment I registered it felt like home there. Little did I know so much would go wrong, so fast, within 2 months things would turn into such a chaotic mess, that the whole site would burst into a world of shinanigans.

I had attached to Dan and Gil Harrington, I was going to functions for Morgan, to the bridge where she was last seen, enjoying all their company, they really did make me feel welcomed into there family. I remember when I met Dan and Gil for the first time, I was so nervous, he shook my hand, and he hugged me, and I remember feeling like Wow! His handshake was gentle, but at the same time, when he shook my hand was determined to look me in the eye. I get bashful to look someone square in the eye, but he seemed unphased, instead, in his so gentle voice said thank you for coming. He treated me as if he had known me for years, and here I was just someone on his site. This would have been Morgan's 21st birthday.The next visit I would formerly meet Gil, and she too was just as welcoming and gracious, her voice was soft spoken, but she still did not turn away someone who merely had nothing more than poetry to offer for the loss of her daughter. She hugged me, it was tight grasped, she hugs like she means every ounce of it. Her hugs are no casual thing. That is a mothers hug. This would be a ceremony held on the first year anniversary, and to place a memorial plaque on the bridge she was taken from in Morgan's honor.

While I couldn't help but feel the skepticism of me, they still never once made me feel unincluded from events having to do with Morgan or in Morgans honor. Instead they worked graciously to understand me better, and be patient to my illnesses symptoms and the craziness that was happening on their FindMorgan site.

Let's move on to FindMorgan.com.

There were so very many wonderful, smart, and just overall beautiful people involved in that site, these people daily offered, love, support, encouragement, good discussion, and at times good debateable discussion, there was never a dull day and you could feel the family atmosphere. And then all of a sudden things started to turn sour, when one poster, came along and began playing games with people. He sunk his hooks into so many people. He went on there I believe now with intentions to destroy people, I couldn't see that then and no one else was seeing it either. He pretended to have inside information because a guy went to him in confidence, this guy lived in our area, he brought the guy's name to me and asked me to locate him, I did so. And that got the ball rolling in a very bad direction. I wouldn't realize it because he was keeping me up all night almost everynight, just rambling along, I have illnesses that if this happens for a few days, it mentally will begin to take a pretty bad effect. He was well aware of my illnesses as was everyone that belonged to that site, I made it no secret whether people liked it or whether they did not.

He was one that would seriously panic someone, cause a panic within your personal life, and then usually when he was wrong or incorrect then he would brush it off like it was no big deal and we were still left panicked and it would take a couple days but we would be forgiving and continue on not realizing that he was doing damage. And he was doing this repeatedly so it wasn't like it once a tone time deal, it was over and over. We weren't the only ones he was doing this too. He psychologically?emotionally was burning people out, and what he couldn't do psychologically he would do verbally. He knew exactly what he was doing, I am only ashamed I realized this too late. He pitted people against eachother because he would twist and twist things until they made sense. He had so many bad mouthing eachother and when one had something over another that suited his needs, he would provide the other ones emails to them as back up to his twisted workings. What he was doing was downright cruel, and he knew it, but he didn't care. He would vicariously accuse people of hacking all the meanwhile between his job as a medical records analysist, he his FBI friends and his lawyer connections and yes even a coroner friend, was using them all to threaten people and even to the level of VSP, he was hacking just the same, if not worse. He was brewing quite the storm, but he was manipulative, he kept me not well, all the while sending me everything, I am a scan reader, he kept me not well, he had me feeling like family, and what I was thinking he was being a friend he was using me for and to stockpile information. He was using us all. I wouldn't realize this until after I was away from him long enough to rehabilitate, go back over about a quarter of what he sent me, and that was enough for me. He literally would attack people verbally, his worse victim being Dan Harrington himself, in public he speaks of Dan in support but behind the scenes, he was nothing but cruel, just downright evil. He had formed a " posse" against Blink on crime and he did all he could to destroy and pit each one of the moderators to the site one by one, he destroyed friendships...there wasn't a thing I could do, I could tell them, but he had already pounded into my head fairly early that I wouldn't be believed if I did try to say anything and therefore every post I tried to make with the slightest hint of what he was telling me, got brushed off, this confirmed for me what he was saying.
People were wondering why I couldn't just walk away from him? Because he had me believing I was family and that he was the only one there for me. The whole time I knew he was using Courntey Stuarts blog as his own personal playground, as well as bulldogs until he didn't agree with bulldogs point of views, and then he just diminished from his board heading to topix. People that challenged his ideas, his information, or his words, were only giving him reason to manipulate some more and twist things to suit, pull up his resources and hit from another angle, AICBond would be a prime example. AICBond was relentless to him, when he didn't agree with him, and publicly would detest him, he would threaten and threaten him, but not once had he followed through, he couldn't. However it was as if he couldn't beat him he would keep working until AICBond would give him just the slightest wiggle room. He was seriously operating by the idea that if he couldn't beat them he woud join them mentality. He is a man of many faces, toying with peoples emotions, making people feel comfortable and if he didn't succeed set out to ruin or threaten those that disagreed with him or pretty much attempted to cut him out of their life altogether. Those that had nothing to offer him, he had no use for they were trash to him. The one problem, was I held all the proof, he sent me everything, he felt it was protected with me, because I am mentally ill, no one would believe me if I tried to say anything. And it did indeed work. The FindMorgan site basically got obliterated because someone felt the need to ruin peoples lives. It was a good site, I was blamed for the site going down, by so many because of his manipulative tactics, I on top of not being well, had to endure the cruelty of that. Dan Harrington was very well aware I wasn't planning a lawsuit, Michael Sutton was. I had also endured a hospital stay for two weeks, my husband and our kids were held up in our house afraid for our safety, with unnecessary panic and phone calls to local police, VSP and including FBI. He distorted truths, twisted things into some huge panic and involved me and my family in the process which would take a horrible toll on me and our family was not the only ones impacted by his madness. He called medical records to attempt to get my records from a past stay I had at a hospital in Roanoke, he was using me to get them for him, he wanted something to use against Dan to file suit with on my behalf  with Dan so that legally he would be open to information regarding Morgans case, they way he had it mapped out it would have worked however, I never sent my records to him and I wasn't about too either. This is how cunning he is to manipulate people to get what he wants. He destroyed FindMorgan and everything and everyone within it. He caused distruction, distrust, misinformation, and disaster. He nearly caused a mentally ill person to kill themselves on a few occasions due to his manipulations and abuse. He used his connections, his job and used people against eachother to get information from or about Morgans case. He threatened people if they wouldnt provide for him. He hacked into peoples computers, accounts, sites, and likely obtained some medical records in the process to prey on the weaker people so he knew who to go to, who his abuse and control would work on. He does have lawyer friends he threatens to use against people, he has used people he once knew however famous, popular or important they might be to threaten or brag of his own personal worth, his name is not copyrighted it is not possible. He had FBI friends who very well obtained info for him and he has coroner friend that did the same. The FBI friend however helped set up his hacking system. While he was accusing Blink and her hats of hacking, he was doing the exact same thing to her, meanwhile being destructive to her site in the form of going to other sites and publicly building gangs against her, and then continue on to hack other sites as well, such as "The Hook", "Topix", "Bulldogpi", "Newsplex" and various others. He has caused so much distrust and pretty much destroyed her site and to me bragged about how he was capable of doing that..he often referred to "we" when it came to one of his sick accomplishments, or "we" when it came to investigating, I wasn't no investigator I was a follower, I wasn't well and I was following and blindly so.
He had the mind of a criminal. A very sick, twisted criminal, he knew exactly what he was doing. He purpsosefully hurt everyone on that site, he destroyed it on purpose, it was just another way to get back at Dan Harrington, because one of his posters accused his uncle of murder. And because he threw his threats around, threw a temper tantrum and shot off at the mouth, he got what he wanted. Now look at everyone, look at what he succeeded at. Look at what we all let him do. And look at what he continues to get away with. FindMorgan should have never shut down, he meant to do all this all along. We let him do this, he victimized us all, why should he be allowed to continue doing that to people? I have pressed charges on him, I did all I could do from my end, his name is on record here, VSP is highly aware of him but I couldn't do it alone. But I miss FindMorgan, I miss what used to be a family there. I miss what it was like BEFORE SJones. I wish we had it back, because now I see, how much of a plan this was for him the entire time. 5000+ emails and 15+ people as my proof that he victimized. Along with family and friends as witnesses.
No one deserved what he did. Not a single soul deserved it. He is dangerous, someone who has to hurt people like he has done, is as dangerous as a criminal to me. He has shown his true colors, and I'm not afraid of them. I refuse to be scared by him anymore.

The Harringtons will always as day 1 from FindMorgan.com have my support, my love, and my prayers.I will always hold them very close to my heart, I will protect them with the best of my ability, and I will always consider them nothing less than family to me. Dan and Gil, thank you so much for never giving up on me! Thank you for always having an open heart and an open mind, your devoted friendship to me had meant everything in the world to me. Thank you for your patience and love to me and my family and know we are forever grateful to have you in our lives! Thank you for holding strong for me when everyone else turned a blind eye to my voice and my proof. You are truly the most amazing people on this earth! We love you so much! Your support has been a very strong source in my rehabilitation enough to be able to finally see what he was doing, I hope someday others will see the same and take appropriate action to let him know, we aren't tolerating this from him anymore. And Dan thank you for your permission to post about the issues from FindMorgan.com, from my standpoint as I often wasn't sure if I should, or even would ever be able to come out with it after the damage he has done. I just can't be worried about him anymore, I am tired of wasting the energy being afraid of someone not worth worrying about at all.

Michael Sutton, you counted on having control, what you didn't count on is you getting caught. Consider yourself caught. What you have done had disgusted me, you hurt people, emotionally/mentally, you ruined peoples lives, you have broken up some very good friendships, you invaded peoples lives, their privacy, and you took your deceit and your manipulations to an equivalent to that of a sick criminal. You took your twisted distortions and you did more damage then you ever did good, you harmed innocent people and you interfered where you had no purpose too in Morgans Case, I hope they find you, they investigate you, they see the damage you have done and I hope you pay dearly for it. How dare you even call yourself a human being? You are nothing but evil in my mind, and in my heart. I hope people can see through all the hurt you have caused some day and restore some very valuable friendships lost due to your unnecessary harm. You are a predator of the worst kind. Dan, Gil, and Alex did not a thing to deserve this from you. What a horrible thing to do to an already hurting family. I hope every single person you have victimized will stand up against you and show you this is not acceptable. You are right, they won't believe my words alone, but they will have no choice but to believe your own.

2.4.1
Her Love Triumphs over all,
We will neVer forgeT her.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Intrigued

You know, I don't want my blogging to be all about , complaints and personal issues. I am sure there will be future ones indeed, however that put aside..I want you to know what intrigues me the most.

I am intrigued that people whom are not deemed or diagnosed Mentally Ill, can be so...hmmm...the way to put it...turned off by it being discussed. Why? I mean, think about it. Logically is there any reason they should have to be ashamed to discuss it? Who made the rules that said, you must never talk about being mentally ill? For that fact, who ever said it was either illegal or it was something to be ashamed of? Does it really need to be so private of an issue? Nah, I don't think so. That is akin to making someone believe it is something to be ashamed of and I just downright won't have it.

Ive never seen such an effort to bully or make someone feel as though they are not worthy, or inadequate.What even makes this such an acceptable act? Of course there are some out there intrigued with the mentally ill. If they weren't we wouldn't have doctors or therapists, or casemanagers, or even counselors. All of whom knows that the majority of the brain is not even discovered yet. Not a single human on this planet has lived up to the potential of what the human brain is capable of that walks this earth. Since every person is different in their own unique ways and not a single person is the same in genes or dna, and we are faced each and everyday with seeing things that scientifically are a mystery, yet happen anyway, that were once deemed relatively impossible, and who knows if even mentally ill people are someone to hold down or hold back in the first place with stereotypes and public disdain?

Who wrote it into law that the mentally ill are deserving of being feared and/or that it is the publics responsibility to keep it that way?

Since being a multi diagnosed severely mentally ill individual, I have likely become more intrigued by those who are not. I guess that is because I don't understand this fear, it seems so unnecessary to me. And so many feed into it, the news media's , the law enforcement, even some doctors, some families, and yes, the government. Its not that I'm seeing it as a conspiracy, instead I'm seeing it as a problem. So it makes me very intrigued to figure out why so many feel the need to keep it this way. As much as people are trying to figure my brain out, I am trying to figure theirs out too. Yes, you have your mentally ill doing some very dangerous even fatal things, horrific to say the least, but you also have people that have never been diagnosed with a mental illness at all doing the exact same. Neither one any more predictable than the other.
People are not used to someone who is severely mentally ill that is as high functioning as I am I suppose but that definitely is related to how well on any given day also. But I am mentally ill and I make sense. When I am well and at full capacity, people dont even feel like I am mentally ill at all, even those who know me and my illnesses and even my own doctors. I don't look mentally ill, I don't sound mentally ill, I don't seem mentally ill, yet I am deemed by all doctors I have encountered to be multi diagnosed severely mentally ill.
Why should that scare anyone, it don't scare me. So why should that be intriguing and/or feared? Are people afraid of me? Because I am mentally ill? Oh heck no! Mentally ill is a description, nothing more nothing less. It is not a definition of someone and who they are. People shouldn't fear what I can physically do, I can be unpredictable sure, but so can Joe shmo down the street with no diagnosed mental illness at all.
I suppose the most dangerous thing about me is my intellect, well I'm sorry , I didn't mean to be an absorber, an observer, and/or someone of a very high aptitude, I don't even learn things the same way others do, I can't, it's not possible for me to do that. My brain just don't operate that way. Maybe that is a defect I don't know exactly but I know I can't help it. If I could change it to learn like everyone else does I would. Trust me I get tired of being questioned on how I am able to pick up on things the way I do, or have the ability to figure things out that I can. Sometimes I really don't have an answer.

I do know I am very intrigued to figure out what it will take to get people to see that not only are mentally ill people more deserving of better treatment, but also of the same consideration, the same respect as anyone whom is not diagnosed with mental illness. We are not lesser people. We are just different. And even a mentally ill mind can be a very powerful one. As someone who learns from patterns, codes, numbers and colors..is both right and left brain dominant and is a hair shy of being borderline to a high functioning autistic, has a cryptic mind, and practically whatever she absorbs and observes never leaves her brain, has an extremely high aptitude among so many other attributes, I think it is safe to say, mental illness is not equivalent to being dumb, stupid, or even worth considering someone to be of lesser value in this society.

Yes, I am the one intrigued now.

Drama

I want to talk a little bit about Drama.

I am not a dramatic type of person, I can be when it comes to feelings, but as far as being dramatic or feeding drama, I really don't care for such things, and do my best to avoid people that prefer to create it or live in it.

I do though, consider myself to be a peace keeper, who wears their heart on their sleeve and yes, it indeed has caused me alot of hurt for doing so.

I am an honest person, I don't lie, atleast knowingly so. Generally if I have been caught in a lie, it was due to someone elses twisting of events or information. I have been considered someone who is "too honest", and considered to be someone who lacks the ability to have a "filter". I have always thought my illnesses contributed to that. Even when I am not well, and perhaps dissociative again, or having an episode, I still don't lie, I just have at that point the inability to see things the same way others do.

Enough about me and my illnesses, will save that for another post.

Now back to drama. Why do people live in drama? I don't understand the benefits from it. Why does everyone have to always be causing problems for someone else? Will I have an answer to that, probably, but will it make a difference? Not likely. However, I am also one of the most curious people you will probably ever encounter, questions, questions, questions, always whether I have answers to them or not, I generally do not care if there is a "good" answer or not, however, nonetheless I must have one. Funny thing about me I suppose. And yes, I always have an answer to someone's questions, I won't guarantee they are correct ones, but I always like to help if I can, even if it isn't that good of help.

I have though seen drama destroy people. Ive seen it superficially destroy them and then I've seen it completely internally destroy them. I probably have felt internally destroyed by it, however for me, it tends to push me further away from the source. Once I can see and realize what the person is doing, a wall is built between us and I won't trust them anymore. There are very few I totally and profoundly with all my heart trust and those people all know who they are.

For all those out there that have had to deal with drama and haven't found themselves seperated from the source yet, my deepest sympathies, and for those whom live in drama and refuse to see the harm it does or the harm you are causing with it, my deepest apologies that it is the only way you see life worth living. I feel it is safe to believe that people that must create rumors and gossip and live in the spotlight of their own fettishes for drama must be very lonely inside. Or atleast that's how I feel.

Copyrights

I am posting this due to an incident involving as site/issue where I knew an individual who insisted if people "used his name", without his permission, and scared several into this idea that if they did, then they would be sued, and see their day in court with him. This is incorrect, legally it has no withstanding, and a courtroom would not waste their time with it. Names cannot be copyrighted, especially with the engagement he has had on the internet sites he has had and not a single trademark was included in either his posts or his emails. Names are protected with Trademarks however still must be associated to a brand of sorts, in which he had neither, having threatened people with this, doing the damage he has done across the states and into Canada, this would allow him the potential of facing lawsuits and/or be reason to open him up to investigations as well as have what work he does have copyrighted, revoked under copyright laws. Let me provide the facts on Copyrights on the federal levels, how to obtain them, who can have them, and what is considered to have the ability to be copyrighted in the first place. Names are not one of them. As long as you do not "steal" his works, or "claim" his "copyrighted" works as your own or attempt to sell it without his permission, which no one has done, he is harmless to anyone. Copyrights are necessary for resale, and redistribution purposes only.

All in which proves, his threats have been empty ones from day one. Michael J Sutton you are a fraud, on a federal level. Your name is not any more protected than anyone elses, as much as you have both publicly and privately slandered, abused, threatened, discriminated, hacked, cyber bullied, cyber stalked, and overall flipped an ongoing investigation, and manipulated people, don't even for one second believe I am afraid to tell the world that, and mention your name in the process. Your threats are no longer good here, nor welcome. I would personally have 5000+ emails and 15+ people that I can prove alone that you did that too, not to mention what they each have to prove it with themselves.  I could care less who you know, how many famous people you know, how many lawyer friends you have, how important they are, if they were aware of your acting like you have them to use at your disposal, including to use them for purposes within an ongoing investigation and unless you are using this case under hire, or a form of job, then you are in even more deep doo doo cause lemme tell ya, that is illegal as well. If you were not hired by LE here, and you were not hired by the victims father, and you are currently and have been in the past using your job to obtain information in this ongoing investigation, or used your "professional and legal contacts/friends" to obtain information then dude, you just totally wiped out. I can prove you have indeed done that as well. You also have been maintaining contact with a potential witness to the case and attempting to pump any information out of her that you could, that too is interferring in an ongoing investigation.Try me! Next time you make threats to people maybe you should be able to hold up to them. You have manipulated this case, hurt and threatened people in the process, hindered the investigation, turned many good people against eachother, kept people from coming forward as a result and people see you for what you are now.

http://copyright.gov/circs/circ1.pdf

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Extension to Previous Post

I feel the need to share a particular incident that happened to me in our local hospital. Yes, same hospital as the sexual assault occurred in.

I had recieved a concussion through playing volleyball (yes that does actually happen)..I had gone to the ER to be evaluated, hence where the concussion was diagnosed. I was instructed if I had any continuing symptoms to come back to the ER. Around a week later I had developed some terrible anxiety attacks, it was a friday afternoon, the doctors office was closing and I was directed to go back to the local ER for evaluation. So I did. Upon arriving, I was fidgety, couldn't sit still, pacing, I was struggling pretty bad. The anxiety I had developed came from my PCP (whom was affiliated with said hospital), when she wouldn't take my condition seriously, after my husband had sent me to her because he was concerned I needed a CAT scan or MRI to determine if there was a more severe problem since the ER did no testing of any sorts, and that week a famous woman had dropped over while at a ski resort and died as a result from a blood clot to the brain after bumping her head. He was legitimately concerned, well the concussion exaggerated those symptoms.

So the nurses come in and proceed to do question me as if this had anything to do with my mental illness, and began asking questions of whether I was suicidal? And it seemed as though they didn't want to be concerned with what I was there for, and so my anxiety was going even further through the roof.

They sent me for a cat scan and when I came back, all my clothes were gone. I asked where my clothes were and they said they are locked up, I'm like what??!!

I said I want my clothes back, you can't just take them, and she proceeded to say to me while handing me some medicine, and I said no I'm not taking that!

So somewhere between the point of getting a CAT scan and getting back, someone decided that my issues were mental illness related. I hadn't even seen a doctor yet!

So she leaves the room, it felt like forever waiting for someone to come back so I peeked out the door and asked if I could go use the bathroom, I saw a security guard standing out there, and I was thinking, what the heck! So her and said big huge security fella, followed me to the restroom, in which she said don't lock the door, so I locked the door. I like many of other millions of people in this world prefer privacy when I use the rest room.

They didn't take too kindly to such a thing, I got yelled at all the way back to the room, and like a little child told to stay there. Yay me.

Well, the waiting was excrutiating, about as bad as everything else that night and so I asked for a magazine,
so I asked if I could get up and go get a magazine from the family room a couple rooms over..the nurse goes in the family room, grabs a magazine and like a owner throwing a bone to his dog to fetch, threw the magazine in my room.

Ok I'd had about enough of this treatment from them, it was degrading, humiliating, I am neither a child or a dog, and hell to the NO I never once said I was suicidal, this was ridiculous!
She had done plucked on my last nerve. I was recieving security supervision for no reason, I didn't even know what this was all about, and I had finally become pissed off.

I said to her, I don't want that magazine I have already read that magazine may I please go over to the family room and get one I hadn't read yet?
She said no you need to stay in there, you need to just lay down and the doctor will be in, in a few minutes, I said, this is ridiculous, I'm goin to go get a magazine to read, she said don't you come out of that room, I said watch me! I felt I had every reason, every right to walk two rooms over to get a magazine..and if she wouldn't, then I would.
So I stepped forward, took one step to the side and the security guard grabbed me and swung me around, I pulled my arm away and told him to keep his hands off of me, I didn't touch him he had no right to grab me, I didn't do anything wrong, and I wasn't bothering anyone...he proceeded to grab me again, that time in his double attempt to grab me he hit his arm on my finger and broke it.

Well, yep that one took the cake, his next attempt landed him face first on the ER floor, in a mixed martial arts armbar. However I did let go, because the gasps of the ER staff caught me by surprise and I was just young in my training at an orange belt level.
After that the fight was on.
I was wrestled to the bed, given forced shots, restrained, which I do have a knack for escaping atleast my hands, and wouldn't ya know it, that's about the time the doctor decides to show up.

About a half an hour later, here came a sheriffs officer, I had gotten off the bed at this point, little Miss escape artist herself, an he caught me at the door, in which he is gonna hand me a TDO order, well this night couldn't get any better if it tried, I took the order crinkled it up and gave it a real good toss, and again, the fight ensued.

This was getting to be almost at popcorn status, until the officer tried to break my arm. I did somehow manage to tinker out in which, I would find myself bruised and battered the next morning, on the psych ward,  with a very awkward looking finger in severe pain.

Psych doc comes in my room, ask how I was feeling and I said, I'm feeling fine, he said are you suicidal, I said I NEVER WAS TO BEGIN WITH!
I said I don't even know why it was assumed that I was! He said ok if you are feeling alright now you are free to go home, I said well can you guys do something about my finger since your security broke it, he said yes we will get you some xrays, I said ok.

So this is what all that boiled down too.

I went in for symptoms related to a medical problem I was diagnosed with in their ER, that they told me to come back if I had.

A nurse (playing doctor) assumed it was more than that, heard anxiety and assumed I was suicidal.

The doctor (playing nurse) believed the nurse without having seen me first.

The nurse (playing doctor) made matters worse, by involving security for no reason.

Security put their hands on me...not a smart thing to do.

The doctor (playing nurse) had not a clue what she was doing and went for a TDO despite knowing the real situation.

And by the time the sheriffs officer got there, the security officer done made a bad situation worse and all hell went and done broke loose.

End result: I recieved over 30 bruises all over my body, including one that was equivalent to the size of a size 10 boot, in mens (yes, we measured and took pictures)...perfect imprint as well, someone put their entire bodyweight on my leg with their boot. And a broken finger.
Again, for all of my stress and inconvenience, both mental and physical, I went to seek assistance in holding them responsible, and nope...nada..nothing. Not an ounce of assistance from anyone legally.
This was also indeed the second time I recieved such unnecessary abuse out of this facility as well.

All of this due to one persons unnecessary stereotyping.

While I have indeed written this out as the somewhat comical version, it was anything but funny, it was traumatic, it was senseless, it was humiliating, it was horrible. It was the result of someone assuming one thing over another and alot of harm and abuse as a result.

Things really need to change in this state that is allowing things to go on in these ER's and psych wards. Once you are diagnosed mentally ill, you are forever mentally ill..if I have to wear that title til the day I die, then I am goin down fighting for the mentally ill, since I have experienced the abuse of the forgotten population, then one day I hope my voice helps someone see, what people refuse to see..and has the ability, the power and the means to do something about it!

I stand alone, but atleast I will stand up for the mentally ill, someone has too.

Perceptions on Discriminations of Mentally Ill

As of late, I have sounded about as if the State of Virginia governmental system is against me personally.

Are they? Do I believe that?

Answer is no, not by a long shot.

I do however believe the laws in Virginia are not anywhere near where they need to be to suit the times of today nor are they adequate to todays prioritized issues. It is as if we are stuck in the stone ages.

The laws are not up to date on today's sexual crime statistics, nor are they adequate to extinguishing sexual predators ability to offend and keep them from society and out of harms way to the public.

The laws are also not set up to provide a particular protection for women victims, nor especially the mentally ill and/or disabled women of Virginia. Allowing an even bigger population of women victims to both continue being assaulted and never able to seek justice against their attackers. Sure, Adult Protective Services comes into play, but that is not protection when all they do is jump right on the same bandwagon to do what they can to avoid a trial, avoid cost, avoid time and inevitably, avoid justice for their clients.
This is not a justice system, it is a revolving door.

I do have to believe that Adult Protective Services in this state is merely make-up for a blemish. Social Services is no better. And worse yet, it has even come to the point where a doctor can make a squiggle with his pen on a piece of paper, and whalahh, even the process of APS OR SS, is not notified at all. Yes, indeed it is that crooked , I have seen it with my own eyes.

Why has it become that when a person is diagnosed Mentally Ill, automatically their rights are revoked? When legally the only time a Mentally Ill persons rights are revoked are if they are actively admitted or committed in a state of emergency to themselves or others? Yet when they get back out into society, the only rights they are given back, is the right to be a part of their own communities again? The biggest stereotyper of them all, is the government of Virginia.

I just don't get it! We will treat criminals like criminals, we will treat Mentally ill like criminals, we will give our criminals more rights than our Mentally Ill? I'm so sorry about your luck, you may be mentally ill, and even though you are behaving, and you are paying your taxes, and yes you are a registered voter, and you hold a job, and you are maintaining your illness, and you are a good member of society, and you volunteer to 3 of our govermentally funded programs...I'm sorry about your luck, we can't help you. Can't, or won't?

And I'm not the only one, I'm not the only one this has happened too, and I know that. It doesn't make it right.

I do volunteer work for this state, on 3 different levels, and no matter what happens to me I am not worthy enough of their assistance and have no right to their assistance whatsoever. If they are going to rob someone forever of their rights for entering through the doors of any mental institution in this state then maybe they should post that somewhere. Because I can tell you right now, I've read the Bill of Rights and it's not there!

And before anyone asks..yes I have been to legislation in this state regarding the stereotysm in this state against mentally ill, I have offered to our representatives my concerns about what is being done against the mentally ill in this state, and as you see...not a thing has changed.

It doesn't just happen verbally, Ive seen physical beatings as well.

Tidbit of info:..Most local emergency rooms, have no trained ER doctors/staff  in the realm of psychiatry, whom prescribe, and give antipsychotics, tranquillizers, and/or sedatives. They take their orders from someone over the phone. Phone diagnosing and Phone prescribing is not adequate. And for this to become acceptable in this state, truly shows a downfall of our legal system. It is abuse of patient rights to not have a doctor whom specializes in their condition, someone who knows what they are doing relative to their illness physically be there to assess the situation. You wouldn't send a knee surgeon to a brain injury patient. Why do we have to rely on an ER doctor who has no idea what they are doing with a mentally ill patient in crisis? Because of this issue alone there have been thousands upon thousands of abused Mentally ill, that had a specialized psychiatrist been there during crisis, the beatings would have been avoided. I too have been a victim of this ( x2) and when I went to hold the hospital accountable, again, no assistance whatsoever.

The best correction to this issue..is get someone specializing in psychiatry to assist and monitor the situation in the ER.

This is how the State of Virginia handles their Mentally ill.

Brotherhood

I had a pretty good night last night, went to work, met the former presidents brother, Mr. Marvin Bush himself. He seemed quite nice. Next time I see him I hope to be able to speak a little better though, haha.


I think about some of the jobs I've worked and the things I do and its amazing to me the "brotherhood" or "network"..built within LE. And today is not going to be about bashing them, or showing them in a bad light...today I want to give credit where credit is due. I am all about fairness.

Police are some of the most hard working, dedicated people I have ever come to know. It does take a special kind of person to carry the weight of what they face in a single day alone. They have to see us at some of our worst points in our lives. They have to be the barers of the worst news someone will ever have to hear in their life. They often have to be both good and bad guys. They have to be life savers, counselors, doctors, teachers, and discipliners, many times within a 24 hr period. And they have to do it without harm to themselves or their families. There are calls that they go to that may mean they don't go home to their families again.

I wish they would know, that it isn't that I am not grateful for cops, I am grateful for their service, I have said before I know some very good ones.

I know what it means, what Brotherhood means, I know that the check they sign each week, is signed with their life. There is no guarantee, ever for that next check. I do take the police serious. I am not a law breaker, and I have no desire to be.

It is not LE in general I have a bone to pick with, it is the system.

I am proud of our LE, under the circumstances they do the best they can with what they are forced to work with.


Saturday, January 7, 2012

Internet Investigating

I am back, and with a different concept to consider.

I got to thinking today, and I thought..when exactly is any typical citizen's investigating a crime, on an active investigation considered going too far?

Well, I imagine the best advice would come from LE themselves, however I'm not in the mood to ask any LE officer anything, so I suppose as my own perspective I will give it a go.

As a citizen, I hear of a crime that has been committed, and I hear pleas from both the family of the victim as well as LE come across the televsion saying things like, "we are asking for the publics assistance in locating (such and such) person, if you have anything to offer, no matter how insignificant it may seem, we ask that you call it into the tip line at 000-000-0000". Well that's a pretty generalized request. Very broad, and then you have well nearly instantly millions of people globally..automatically interested, automatically their concern kicks into gear, and within 24 hrs, about a quarter to pushing a half, are ready, geared up, and at a moments notice upon the next nightly news cast, propped at their pc's, looking into and looking up details to begin working on.
Do the Police even realize they had no need to work at compassion? Believe it or not, that is naturally built into most people.

So with the many clicks, happening in 24hrs time, from the get go, the chances of that criminal having a 24hr jump for each day since the case has begun, is not that far fetched. Especially if you consider the time it takes to get through distortions, nonsense and game play.

However, lets bring about another aspect.

When does internet investigations become too much of a negative impact on open investigations...
I mean...come on now, there's a itty-bitty police officer in all of us. There are alot of Nancy Drew's and Sherlock Holmes wanna-be's out there. Then of course you have your T.J. Hookers and even your break bad Steven Segall's out there as well. Everyone, has a little cop about them. The difference is, that's the movies...this is real life. This is someone's real family impacted, this is someone's real pride and joy, this is someone's daughter or son, or mother or father, or sister or brother. This is someone's real life tragedy.
They don't get to forget and move on, they don't get to turn the channel when the going gets tough, and they often don't get to wake up crying then go back to sleep as if it's a bad nightmare they just need to shake off.
They never get to stop crying at all!
Many of these families, one of their biggest resources can be the internet, they too must utilize what they can, to get the word out as fast as they can, even in this risky internet world. Taking on this task can be too much for someone who is not grieving and suffering, imagine what it must be like for someone who is.

Alot of the time, some of the most well intentioned folks, with some of the biggest hearts can find themselves, not knowing the torments and impacts their words may come baring down on a grieving family, but then there are some that come right out, say hateful dispicable things knowing good and well they are saying them to a grieving family.

The negative impact internet investigations can have on an open investigation, can be simply too many chiefs and not enough indians. When too many people decide, believe or attempt to be, know or do police work.
Innocently enough, yeah, I suppose I'd nearly crossed that line a couple of times myself. But so many do cross it. Best intentions or not it can leave devastating results to an already hurting family. So if you are gonna go digging around in someone's personal family tragedy, take into consideration of what the family requests. Take into consideration their pain, their suffering and their grieving process. It is never the point to be the one to solve the case, it is the point that the case does see its day in court, and justice is served the right way. Helping is not a bad thing, it certainly isn't, but there is a right way, and a wrong way to help.

Remember, the entire time it takes to form lynch mobs, cause distractions, spread rumors, create theories, and bicker amongst eachother, there is just one, just one person out there that has that one piece of information, that may want or need to get it to LE, but can't or won't because of all the unnecessary chaos.
Inevitably we've all done what we didn't want to see happen in the first place..a family suffer more than they needed too, and/or another case gone cold.

This state has a hard enough time solving its cases. And for the record, yes, I'm hoping I will have to eat those words one day, I would love to see Virginia solving Missing/Murdered cases. On that day we will know what it means to feel safe in Virginia.

Internet and Investigations

First and Foremost, I believe in the freedom of speech, as you can clearly tell, however, there are some things I don't believe in...

Since the realm of the internet people have become more free to cyber bully, harass, defame, abuse, cyber stalk, hack, discriminate, interfere and just all around poke their nose into an ongoing investigation. And then you have those that truly care, are devoted to helping, and want to see justice served in the appropriate ways.

I am the latter. The internet is so wide open to news feeds and the world is exposed to everything happening every second of every day, I have too been swallowed up and caught in this whirlwind of events.

There are two cases I have found myself a part of through caring and wanting the best for a hurting family. I have always been good about throwing my heart out there as it is. I do think this last case I have been apart of has indeed taught me so many lessons, if not about others, then about myself as well.

I have to tell you, I really am not impressed with how either of those are going. Both of them have had to do with Missing/Murdered, and it is the most heart wrenching, gut twisting, unbearable thing to go through and your not even the family to the victims.

You come across some honest, caring, sweet people that you make friendships with to last a life time. And then there are some you come across that set out to hurt people, manipulate things to their advantage, threaten people, and have to be right, and even cross the line into illegal measures. Those people, watch out for them, they are the wolves in sheeps clothing. Unfortunately by the time you realize what they are doing the damage is done and can be quite severe.

I had this happen to me, and most would say..why did you let him do that to you? Well that is a pretty good question, but its another issue of how people are like sitting ducks on the internet. I have a hard time grasping the concept of the difference between a victim out in public, as opposed to one on the internet. I mean it is illegal to be a fraud to any system, so how come it is legal to be a fraud on the internet? Such as posing to be a lawyer, and threatening people with your so-called contacts if you don't provide them with what they want...or perhaps obtaining their medical records, using their position from another state to do so and then threatening them that if they don't provide you will file suit..it is no different in a case I just read up on where someone pretended to be a part of a rescue and dog search for a Missing persons case in Tennesee, and whalahh..they now are searching fo him in the form of a search warrant!

This is a person who dares you not to mention their name in public or him and his cronies will file suit, and uses the fact his name is "copyrighted"...however has not a problem in the world stating that "Megan Fox is dumb as a box of rocks"....uh hello!! She sure could make him feel pretty bad about that if she wanted too!

Or how about telling a mentally ill person-"you are a nut jog(job, for heavens sake you could atleast insult me correctly)".." you should just go kill yourself", " you should burn in hell", "we are calling the police and they are going to come pick you up and I will ask that they put you in a white jacket"..."don't ever, ever mention my name anywhere"...hmmm, strong words for a hacker! All of this because I wouldn't participate in your little immature games anymore...grow up!

Don't worry I don't have to mention your name, its already on file down at the local PD, um and the VSP, shoot I'm not sure there isn't a PD in this state that doesn't already know your name address and the harm you have caused! However if I had my way I would turn every last bit of your damage into the FBI, and they would have a field day with you, that is no threat it is a promise and you very well know that. Fortunately I will not waste my time with you that way, and if they want it they can come get it, I'm done with you and I wash my hands of you. Enough is enough with your nonsense and if you were going to pick on someone who is mentally ill, maybe you shouldn't pick someone with a higher IQ than yourself.

There are some people that just don't deserve to own a computer, he would be one of those individuals. Though I wish so strongly LE would man up and do something about him, I do realize that the extradition would be too costly and it's not worth paying that even if it did mean getting someone who cyber stalks, hacks, defames, cyber bullies, impersonates, discrimintates, harasses, threatens, and abuses on and international level off the streets, regardless of what I am able to prove/provide. It's ok, Virginia, again we got your back and pay taxes for nothing.

However Tennesse, I gotta give you kudos, you stood up for your case and your people, awesome work! Its one less cyber fool off the internet flipping a case and making a mess out of it. And now, you will have good people with very good intentions helping this family get the justice they need and deserve for their missing loved one!

The 411 on Cops, My Views

Had a very good long talk with a dear friend today, whom opened my eyes, today on a few issues.

In those conversations I realized that I don't hate the police but I don't trust them either. Just the same as you can like someone and not trust them as well, however for me personally, it works just like that, it is hard for me to "HATE" anyone, I don't hate anyone, not even my worst enemy, and currently I only have 1 of those to my knowledge.
I don't like to hate anyone, but there are some I don't like. And if I don't like someone it is because I have lost all trust in them. Main point being, I don't trust law enforcement, because they operate on a crooked judicial system. Unfortunately in my little world, they are everywhere, I can't avoid them, and even if I were to avoid them, they know people I know, I know some cops that are nice people but just because they are nice, doesn't mean I trust them anymore.
I happen to also be in a position where I have to help them, this I don't like,  I have thought about quitting that position, I have thought about relieving myself of any of the duties I currently hold to assist them in any way, volunteer or otherwise. I do believe I'm in a bit of a pickle.
However it is rather difficult to continue to be in an environment where they are everywhere. I want to wash my hands of them so badly. And I frequently ask myself, why help officers that live up to a judicial system that has never helped me?
Yet in the same respect, there are many that hurt if I don't.
Bad thing is, I've had some friends/associations of cops I once trusted. I worked particularly hard at not generalizing them because they were officers. I was on my way out of that habit when all of a sudden I needed them and once again, they weren't there. I mean really there. As in support, or helping me seek justice. Its a shame really, I once thought highly of them. It is not a matter of how will I get that trust back, it is a matter of IF I will ever want it back.
Oh well no sense in harping on old matters, onward with a better perspective tomorrow, hopefully :)

P.S. I am most certain I will have if not a better perspective tomorrow, then atleast a different one.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Being a Mentally Ill Virginian

Whew, not sure where to start here.

Ok, I suppose I will begin with age 25, since that is when I was first diagnosed with anything psychiatrically.

Our daughter was 4 and a half years old almost and I was pregnant with our son. After I had him, I went into a post partum depression that turned into psychosis, rare, but it does happen and it happened to me.

We didn't know what to do, we were supposed to be happy, our family was blooming, and then boom, our world kind of caved in on us. About 2 weeks after having him, I was having severe issues of becoming suicidal for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Uncontrollable crying spells, overwhelming desires to die, and even attempts. This isn't how things were supposed to be. I was supposed to bring my new baby home, enjoy the company of my children and husband, but I couldn't, this was getting in the way. I went back to the OBGYN, because I couldn't take it no more.
The doctor said, it seems you have post-partum depression, here try this zoloft, it should help, well the side effects were too much so back in I went..he upped the dosage, it only gave me worse headaches, I began to not eat, for some reason I didn't think I deserved to eat, and still the same symptoms. I hadn't been eating well as it was, some days wouldn't eat at all, some days I might have eaten about the equivalent of a tater tot and that was it for the day, I began losing weight very fast, inevitably, I also began getting quite delirious, kept having to go for walks, which would earn me my first admission to a hospital.

This would begin a whirlwind effect. For years I would go in and out of hospitals sometimes days in between, sometimes weeks, eventually months, and currently if I am successful will be years..finally.
However, I wouldn't care if I never saw the inside of a hospital again. Too many traumatic situations, too many fights to come back from deadly situations.

Along the way I have seen and experience so many stereotysms, I've been called crazy, nut job, loon, stupid, ignorant, lazy, gullable, naive, lunatic, and so many many others. I choose to smile and go on, does it hurt? Well yeah, but those words were designed too hurt. When you look at what they were designed to do then you have to consider the person that uses them. Ive seen people and their reactions to me for the first time I spilled the words "I'm mentally ill" out of my mouth, I've seen the reactions, I've seen the whispering, I've seen people that could just care less as well, those people I like, but those people that give that first glance up and down at you, it already tells me what they think of me. And the first reaction I feel from them, is "defect"...or "worthless"..or "ashamed"..or "pity", or just simply "stupid" and "lesser value"...regardless of what they tell me, or what they know about my situation, that obliterates my situation right there, from the get go. I've had that very reaction from EMT's, from doctors, from police, from many positions of authority.
Sometimes, I do it on purpose, because it tells me what kind of person they are right off the bat. It's a pretty good indicator of a person that will think about it and like you despite it, or someone who will forever judge you on a situation they know nothing about. In reality, who becomes the stupid one then?

In Virginia, it's not easy to be a woman who is mentally ill, you are looked at as weaker, easier to intimidate and made extremely vulnerable. And it is true, bad guys pray on such things. And we are less likely to defend ourselves, less likely to report anything, and less likely to recieve justice when something does happen, because we are then predicted to be incapable of handling a trial and deemed mentally unstable enough to testify in court. And therefore, no justice sought or served, wow I imagine it saves this state alot of money and resources to keep that on the down low.

But what about the ones that are mentally ill, not weaker, not easy to intimidate, that were still made vulnerable, whom have learned to defend theirsevles, has the audacity to report, whom is capable of handling a trial, made to seem mentally unstable enough to testify, and still no justice sought or served?
Where are the mental health advocates now? Where were her rights in all of this? Who decides she has no rights to fight for or with? Did she lose all of her rights because of being mentally ill? That doesn't seem like a very fair trade for something she didn't cause herself.

I have toyed and toyed with this in my mind trying to figure out, why Virginia treats it mentally ill like criminals. There is a difference between criminal and mentally ill, and criminally insane. Yet Virginia is highly responsible for allowing media sites to air the status of a mentally ill person across tv when a crime has been committed as if it is any importance to the situation/incident. They obviously aren't aiming for sympathy, they are deliberately categorizing "mentally ill" and "criminal" into one, when indeed the majority of the mentally ill population are typically harmless at all. This my friends is stereotysm at it's best! Just another way to alienate the mentally ill and keep them feared in the eyes of the public. As if they don't have enough battles to fight on a daily basis. And most of them do what they can to be productive members of society, have hearts of gold, and enjoy some of the smallest things in life that most of the general public take for granted every single day. Maybe the only thing that is important is that the public feels safe, well I won't deny that one, the public indeed needs to feel safe, but every single person has experienced depression in their life at one point or another and the majority has experience having atleast one family member who has had some form of mental illness. It can happen at any time, to anyone, of any age, race, sex, or origin. If that is one thing about mental illness it certainly does not discriminate, it doesn't care what job you have, what you drive, how much your home is worth, or who you know. It is relentless, and it is not a curable illness, it is only manageable. There is never a recovery guarantee. Instead we have to rely on things like, hope, faith, encouragement, determination, and motivation. It is a daily process, at any point we lose any of those and it is like the rug jerked right out from under your feet all over again. Its a vicious cycle that never ends.

There is an inside look on my perceptions and experiences, I could talk all day and night on this issue, but I think I have pretty much made my point clear. Just the next time you look a mentally ill person in the eye, don't take for granted they don't understand or know what you think of them...don't have them feel ashamed for being mentally ill, or saying they are, its not something they should have to be ashamed of. Mental illness is a medical problem just because you don't see it doesn't mean it isn't just as important as diabetes or cancer or high blood pressure.

Truth Be Known: Speaking of the Truth

Truth Be Known: Speaking of the Truth: I want to give a little information about me. Hi, my name is Unbroken, I am mentally ill, and I was sexually assaulted in a hospital in th...

Speaking of the Truth

I want to give a little information about me.

Hi, my name is Unbroken, I am mentally ill, and I was sexually assaulted in a hospital in the state of Virginia.

Why do I introduce myself this way? Because I have the right too. There is not a reason in this world I should have to be afraid to say any of those three things above.

I am unbroken because I refuse to allow what has happened to me defeat me, I am mentally ill which is something I didn't ask for nor did I cause of my own bad choices, and I was sexually assaulted which also happened that I didn't ask for nor did I cause because of my own bad choices.

All of which has had an an extreme difficult impact on my life. I feel if I began this blog on the idea of how I had my rights revoked from me based on lifes unfortunate circumstances then I atleast owe the public my incidences, reasonings and perceptions as to why I feel the state of Virginia has wronged me and made me feel as though I am not worthy of the same rights as others. I ask you to only have an open mind, open heart and realize that mental illness does not equal stupidity, does not warrant stereotysm, or deserve lesser opportunities in life. All of which I have personally seen the state of Virginia do to its population of the mentally ill.

This will not be easy to write as it takes a bit of digging into uncomfortable feelings and the trauma associated with it, I am putting myself out there, but it is necessary, people don't like to see and hear ugly things, it is indeed ugly, and if it is ugly to you, then times that by ten and you will experience what it was like for me. If you have or ever were a victim of a sexual assault, then you will soon know you are not alone in how you felt.


Here is my situation.

I went to the hospital one day because I was having suicidal ideations, was not comfortable feeling alone and had went on the advice of my doctor to go in voluntarily. I went into the ER, and the ER did find it to be necessary I seek help on their psych ward, so I was voluntarily admitted at that point. Upon entering the psych ward, I had a female nurse whom escorted me to the triage room they had there on the ward, this is where they basically, search your clothing, check for any injuries, get your vitals and this is the point you are asked to undress and put on a gown, you are in only a gown and underwear at the point of leaving this triage room.
She then took me to my room, it was a room containing two beds and in between was the portable computer they would use to gather all the necessary intake information they would need on me this process can take a couple to a few hours.
The nurse started off collecting this information while I sat on the bed supplying it. But then about a half an hour into it came the care taker, he seemed bouncy, goofy, and talkative, he took over from there and the nurse left.
He was asking questions that was fairly normal I had been through this several times before and so everything seemed normal, I was giving him all the information he was asking for, home adress, phone number, medicines, allergies, it all seemed typical. Then he asked me to stand up, he said I needed to undo my gown, so I did, he said he needed to have a look, I looked around and I said, isn't she supposed to be in here? He said no, she doesn't have to be in here for this, I said, ok, looking around because I was nervous.
He said your gonna have to remove your gown, I looked at the door...he said remove your gown please...so I did, he said, nice, and he smiled and he reached up and fondled my breasts...and he felt down around my waists and came back to my chest, I said don't do that please! He said I'm sorry is that uncomfortable, I said yes!
He said ok, you can put your gown back on, I said I need to go to the bathroom, he said well you have to leave the door cracked a bit, I knew that was procedure, it was for patient safety, so I did.
I did used the toilet and I got up, washed my hands and went to come out and he stepped in front of me and pushed me back in, he said look what I have here for you...I said what are you doing?? He said go ahead, go ahead and touch it, he had pulled his erection out of  the front of his nursing pants and grabbed my hand, and I balled my fist up and he rubbed his penis all over my fist, I said STOP! He said what you don't like that, I said no, let me out of the bathroom please?? He said you can't tell anyone, I said I won't now let me out! He let me out, again apologized and said not to tell anyone. I felt pretty trapped and like well if I did say anything he would say it wasn't true and they would believe him over me anyway.
The nurse was coming in and out of the room periodically and I would look at her, look at him, and everytime she would come in there he would do whatever he could to shut her up and get her out of the room.
I wasn't in the position to do much of anything, I was naked, in a gown, defenseless pretty much and I have experienced their seclusion room before and all I would have had to do was get mad or irrate and I knew I would be right back in there given forced shots and so I was scared of that happening too. I was seriously trapped.
I had to have an EKG done, which is also procedural thing. In which he felt necessary for him to perform as well. So again, off came the gown and he once again fondled my breasts..I took his hand off of me and I said please quit! He just said oh yeah, that's right I'm sorry. Like this was a joke to him. He was the only one laughing, because I wasn't.
I was getting mad and worried that he wouldn't stop.
I had gotten a call from my husband out in the hallway, I went out and took the call but my husband wasn't too happy I was in there to begin with and his intent was to pick arguements and this wasn't helping because I wanted to tell him so bad what was going on, but he was mad and we argued and he hung up on me, besides that the care taker was hovering like a hawk anyway as I was speaking to my husband on the phone. My chances to tell were extremely limited.
I headed back to my room.
A little later on, it had gotten dark outside and nearly completely dark in my room, as the light over my bed wasn't working, and I was lying down, he had come back into my room, whispering, mumbling something and I had turned over to find him leaning on my bed, he had pulled out his erection again, grabbed my head and pulled me by my hair towards him and I put my hand out to push away from him...he had forced himself on me...I don't need to be more detailed than that..at this point I imagine you know what happened.
I know I felt totally disgusted, I was mad, crying, spitting, and trying to clean my mouth out...he violated me and I was nearly throwing up on my gown.
He got startled, maintenance knocked on the door, he pulled his pants up and ran to the door, with it slightly cracked he spoke through the door, then gathered himself together then came out and I could hear them saying, is there a patient in that room? We have an order to fix the lights, he told him he must have the wrong room, and I could hear him say, well he had a couple more things to take care of but he would be back. So I just laid there crying, not the kind of crying that says I'm hurt so much as the kind of crying that I just wanted to die. He came back in a little bit later and said his shift was almost over, he was sorry if he hurt me, but he would check on me later and see if I was ok and left his phone number, I swear he had built some sort of a phony relationship he thought he was having..I don't know how many more times I could have said no, or stop, or quit! I went to the door after he didn't come back for a little bit..I waited, and waited..I saw the nurse in the office and so I went out, looked around made sure he wasn't there..went up to the window and I pecked on the window, motioned for her to come out...and I said, is he gone? She said who, I said the male nurse, is he gone? She said yes he has gone home why? I said because he left this...she said what is it? I said it's his phone number, she said how or why did he leave this with you, I said he wanted me to call him, and I said, I will never call him, I don't want it, and he sexually assaulted me! She said OMG, are you ok? She said lets go in your room and talk about this, I said I don't want to go in there! So they put me in another room and we talked about it, she said I would have to get a P.E.R.K test done, it is a rape kit. So they took me to the ER department to get that done, I will never forget, when they brought me up there in a wheel chair, the looks on their faces, the ER nurses standing together, the whispering the looks like disappointment and disgust at me..I felt like a criminal for having suggested someone in their hospital did something like this, it was devastating, embarrassing and totally traumatic to go through. When being put in the room and on the bed, the sheriffs officer that was at the door acted angry, like he had better things to do, and just mean...I will never forget these things.
Afterwards I was taken back to the ward, I was soo tired, it had been over 24 hours, they gave me tranquilizers as soon as I got back to the room and a couple hours later the investigater was there, I wake up to a nurse telling me who he was and that he wanted to speak to me, I am so tired, so drugged that I could hardly keep my eyes open to see him and I remember thinking, does this have to happen right this minute??
I remember he said to me, that they had video surveillance, that they were waiting for the test to come back and that they would help me, and the would get back to me.
While I was in there my husband was informed of what happened, he was extremely upset!! Lets just say he had his own ideas for justice to be served and quickly.
Once I had been released, it was a week or so and the investigater called and needed us to come to the sheriffs office, in which we did, they wanted a dna sample from my husband in which he cooperated fully and supplied. At that time they did inform him that the caretakers dna was found on my gown.
So we were at that point pretty confident they had enough to go after the caretaker that had violated me.
However I kept calling for updates, and a month or two later and I get a letter in the mail stating they went ahead with a "true-bill" hearing and decided they didn't have enough evidence to go forward with a trial.
Here I am devastated all over again. I wanted, and more than deserved my day in court with him, I wanted him to look me in the eye and face what he did. And now I won't have that chance, my rights just wiped right away.I called the investigater to ask why? Why would they have a true bill hearing and not let me be a part and give my input? Adult protective services were there, everyone was there but me, how come as a mentally ill person I got no legal representative on my behalf whatsoever? I asked then, well what happened to the video surveillance, he said what video surveillance, I said to him, you said when I was in the hospital that you had plenty of video accounting for him going in and out the room as many times as he did and that it would be helpful, he said that they must have lost those, I said what? no now come on? I said what about the dna? he said being it was on the gown we can't prove how it got on the gown..my heart sunk to the ground there is no way they had all they did and all of a sudden they can do nothing! I needed resolve to this, I needed to know how and why someone could assault someone in this state and just walk right away. At first I thought it must be because I am mentally ill, I had heard alot from someone who knows mental health and has worked in the field of VASA, (victims against sexual assault) for 15 yrs, and through her experience she had never seen the law support victims of sexual assault, stated to me that if she was raped tomorrow she would never report it to this state. She had seen so many women try to stand up to their attackers in this state and either the trial itself was too hard to endure because the woman is put on trial more than their attacker is, and it has led to suicides, or a vast majority of women not even reporting to begin with. So she said that it was best not to put myself through that, she didn't want to see me hurt even more than I was already. So I decided to persue at another level, I contacted the local news, I wanted someone to have to take accountability for what happened in that public facility. That caretaker had only lost his job, that was the only thing that happened to him. That was a very lenient price to pay for doing what he did, it would be nothing for him to be hired at another facility and I was also afraid of what he would do to someone else. The local media decided against airing my story because they were afraid of a lawsuit from this hospital for slander or libel. Forget about justice for someone, they jumped on the business corrupted bandwagon and again, I am left defenseless against this institution. From the get go I hadn't had an ounce of support for my situation, no one on my side, not even one single legal representative to help me through this ordeal. And might I add that Adult Protective Services was indeed involved as well in this investigation and still chose to push this hush hush under the rug. As time went on, I did my best to heal from this, I took up mixed martial arts classes to ensure that the next time I'm put in a vulnerable situation I am more than prepared to defend myself if need be. It has since become a lifestyle for me. I adore every bit of it, it taught me alot about determination, self worth, and healing and balance.
Over time I would get involved in some other endeavors as well, I proceeded to use this experience as a learning experience also, but more so to figure out how these things are allowed to happen.
I discovered over time also that there is a business aspect to this. I learned that the local hospital actually pays the courts/police departments for alotted time needed for their assistance for mentally ill that come in that need an officer by their side, also for TDO (temporary detainment order) processing and in order to keep the tab of the local police forces the hospital tosses some money their way in the form of "contributions", as a way to say, thank you for helping us maintain. In regards to that they have local even state police to use at their disposal whenever needed, to include commonwealths attorneys, adult protective services, social services, judges, you see, this is all a network.  So when UNBROKEN gets sexually assaulted in their local hospital on their territory, and she is mentally ill, it really is no problem to get rid of this problem for them. How easy it was for them to "make the problem go away", so unbroken couldn't get a lawyer, unbroken couldn't get assistance, and unbroken couldn't get justice. Instead the commonwealth's attorney got rid of or allowed the tapes to disappear, and everyone else just followed suit. This area hospital can't stand bad publicity, just simply couldn't possible have a mentally ill person, smear their name/reputation, unfortunately, for them, this isn't the only corruption behind their doors that Unbroken has seen, she has seen psychiatrist sign off on scripts for a nurse that nearly overdoses patients, she has known other psychiatrists and therapists leave their facility due to said corruption as well admittingly so by them, she has seen that everytime there are a certain number of litigations built up against their facility they change their name and the interior of their building, she has seen abuse within this facility that should have the State of Virginia in there shutting their doors for good. And as if all that wasn't bad enough, they deliberately set out to hurt me, they use my medical record to use against me, it is flagged within my medical record stating, "accused one of our staff of sexually assaulting her", and used that also when I have been transferred to other hospitals within the state of Virginia, as if to say, I am to be blamed for what happened to me and "they" are the victims. However magically, the state does nothing to this facility. They tried to break her, and to this day, she is...unbroken.