Monday, January 30, 2012

Reality Check

You know sometimes I need reality checks...

A good wake up call, my illnesses sometimes don't really allow me those. Its a sad thing really. Because I can go along for months in my own little world, expecting things to happen without either putting forth a decent effort, or even thinking everything is going ok, despite the fact it really isn't. I often don't see or miss when something is wrong.. and plug along anyway. And I don't get to find out until my heart is either broken as a result or I get devastated when it is flashed before my eyes, that I just simply didn't do what was required to accomplish what I wanted too. And worse yet, take on blaming those that were really innocent bystanders.

What the heck is wrong with me? All this time I'm taking this issue up with the wrong people, and I'm thinking its their fault when it is mine. I'm acting selfish, like it is everyones fault but my own. I'm not this person!!!! I am better than this!

It is like Ive been seriously distracted, my ADD, doesn't allow me to stay focused and this is just no good! It is not everyone elses responsibility to keep me focused, though the help is extremely appreciated, wow where would I be without it! Ive been acting like a big damn baby at my own cost.

I get frustrated that I cannot learn the same way as everyone else. How do I help them help me? I struggle to help myself alot. Rendering me depending on others to help me, how do I get them to understand that? I feel stupid to ask them. Inevitably, I end up feeling stupid, lower, less than, useless, worthless, discouraged and unable to eventually even think for myself. It is not their fault, and yet not mine. Wow the internal struggle this can build into, and then eventually, I come out looking selfish, bitter, with pity parties and "issues" that no one wants to get involved with. They often don't realize there is no fix for this. There is no fix for mental illness, it is maintained only. It is a curse, one I couldn't possibly wish not even on my worst enemy.

I am diagnosed, ADD, the most severe bipolar someone can even have, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Visual Perception Disorder, Panic and Anxiety Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder and Dissociative Disorder....and somehow, someway, amazingly, I am still not the most Fucked up, violent person that walks the face of this earth, I have an IQ/aptitude, measured by a neuropsychologist to be in the 150-160 range, I have indeed been called a savant, genius, even a muse by friends and family and yes even doctors, but how does a person so smart, so brilliant, so articulate, so impressive, feel so damn dumb? Struggle so much, have to answer to Lord knows everyone, and struggle to get through every moment of every day? It is everybit like a cancer in remission. It is cruel, it is relentless, and I never got a choice, I never made a bad choice in my life to deserve such a thing!

I see things in patterns, codes, colors, and numbers, my mind is totally cryptic. I honestly believe that my karate instructor has figured this out, I believe alot of my karate family has seen me struggle with this, I believe my doctors, and Dan Harrington know exactly what this is like for me, they all see a side of me even my own family probably couldn't realize or relate too. I believe I may have about 3 friends that can really down deep understand me, its the rest of them I have to fight, to contend with, to help them understand what they might not even be capable of understanding.

I want to stand so strong, I want to be the one people look up too, if not, then atleast be able to look square in the eyes and say, you are an amazing person for what you go through. I need that, probably more than most. Instead, I often, more than not, get misunderstood, frowned upon for either being too emotional, or sappy, or for not being able to comprehend the same way as everyone else. I get dismissed, shunned, overlooked, expected to learn and do the same things as everyone else, I am often misunderstood as being "just like" everyone else, simpy because I don't look mentally ill, there is nothing visibly that says, wow, she's a nut, stay away from her, yet I am treated as if I do. I do try alot of self encouragement, but that is quickly washed away when I see someone, gain, or get more than me.

Best way I can describe it, is like almost being able to reach something and not quite being able to grasp it, its there, I'm reaching, I'm almost touching it, and it just keeps slighly moving away, just enough that I can't touch it, grasp it, grab ahold of it. This people, is my life. I try just as hard as anyone else, I am able to retain, I am able to learn, just not the same way. I have short term memory loss. You will often see my good days and my bad days on here, you will see me question myself, my morals, my beliefs, my self worth. You will see me at my best, and at my worst. I don't consider this self pity, I consider it trying to vent in whatever way is needed, both positive and negative to sort out in my mind what I cannot or have trouble dealing with, it is a theraputic measure, it is all I have to not dwell, stew, or hold onto what needs to be said, done or dealt with. What I say won't always be polite, decent or flow like my poetry can. Sometimes I have to see, here on typed words, right in front of my eyes, to understand whether I really am being a selfish person, a bitter person, a decent person, or an accomplished person. Lately, I have been a selfish, lazy, bitter person, I cannot figure out why...I need to know that, I want to move on from that, I want to use every bit of potential I have, that I do know I possess. I have been shown that, when I earned my brown belt, I was so happy, for once I crossed a barrier I didn't ever think I could. It is just simply TOO DAMN late to turn around now. To give up, to throw all that I worked hard for away, to turn people away that honestly and truly within the deepest of their hearts, cared about me. To detach and walk away from something I held so very dear in my heart. Burning bridges is a very nasty thing...I learned to do this by someone that enjoyed hurting people, someone that latched onto me and didn't let go. Someone that distracted me severely, withered me down to practically nothing. I didn't just lose confidence/trust in everyone else around me, I lost it in myself. I have a very bad habit of mirroring what is around me, people that give me confidence, I often reflect that confidence...people that tear me down, I often reflect that as well. It is a mimicking thing I suppose, yet another trait I wish I didn't have. But it is there, so I suppose my efforts would be best served to surround myself with people that care, that give me confidence, that have that to offer, to give, without expecting things back, to be unconditional once again, I miss that. That was a very good part of me.

Well this one was certainly long enough. I will deem today, that I will spend every last bit of energy I have within me, to stay on a positive track, not relapse, get myself around positive people, step up instead of down, get away from the internet for a while, live my burnt bridges, put forth more effort, get involved in my goals and accomplishments, straighten my ass out, bring up my attitude, not waste another ounce of my energy on things out of my hands and people that intend to bring me down, hurt me, cause distrust, pain and manipulations. Depend on myself the best I can, love my husband, kids, family and Karate friends and family unconditionally, and few close friends that I do have,as they indeed a very big part of who I am today! I simply have to learn somehow, someway,  to try to take responsibility for myself  both good things and bad. The more people that help me pint that through my head the better, hopefully it will become second nature to me, like instinct, like my karate, I would love that.

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