Wednesday, September 19, 2012


I mentioned before I would express from time to time how I'm doing and how I feel.

Today, no I don't feel so well. Due to the case, I am extremely not well.

I've analyzed, tried to understand in different ways than I am used to thinking.

I'm empty.

I do not understand the way people thinks, much less of how they think of me. This confuses me most.

I do my best not to panic, be paranoid, be oversensitive, or judgemental. Yet everyone sees or thinks I am being those things.

I think often that people just tolerate me. They want to keep me calm, yet they aren't. I see things before me that they can't possibly see. Whispers of " I hear what your saying..but..." haunt my mind at this point. They really don't HEAR what I'm saying. Or atleast I don't feel that way.

Their minds processes to collect one thing at a time and analyze that, and move along, analyzing things piece by piece, until something fits.  My mind does not do that.  My mind collects everything since the day I began this journey with them, every single detail. My mind operates several pieces of a puzzle at the same time.

I'm tired now, I'm tired of smooth talkings, tired of passiveness, tired of inconsiderations, tired of encouragements to tell or show things, because I will not be truly heard anyway, I'm tired of charades, tired of games both physical and emotional. I'm sick of when I offer something to certain branches of LE that pick up the phone and call another branch of LE that I certainly didn't trust to start with, to ask about ME, not the info I gave, but ME.

I see the pattern, have seen it for a long time, I get the same damn passive treatment every single time.

And they didn't think I was smart enough to catch on.

Yeah, I made friends, I made good friends, I made friends that knew whatever I found would never go anywhere. Maybe they should ask themselves...would they have wanted done that way?

I'm going to empty my trash can. I'm going to do what everyone has been hinting for me to do. Move on. It was getting old living in someone else's life anyway.

Chances are, if you aren't believed in, you were never believed in the first place, unfortunately I cared too much to let go,  I cared too much to want to believe that was really happening.

I'm sick to my stomach, I have a headache, I can't eat right, I truly could fade away, but it would be the FIRST time in this whole situation, I can honestly say, I just don't care now.

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