Wow, its been a while since I was here.
In a sense I'm surprised that I returned, pause...no I'm not.
Most people have some kind of outlet, I don't. Not at this point in time, because all I want to do at this moment, is fade away.
I'm not sure I want to be a "helpful" person anymore. I mean face it, the maze is long and windy, you get a few friends here, a few friends there..you get attached and I think that word itself has a curse to it.
The attachment hurts the most. Its not bad as long as there is forewarning that there can be no attachment, however, without that warning it can be akin to sticking a knife in someones back and twisting and turning until there is nothing left but a big gaping hole.
I feel stupid. Stupid to trust, stupid to care, stupid to learn, stupid for trying, stupid for trying to make a difference, ultimately stupid for wasting their time. All the hurt, crying, risks, worries, making sure's, the double checking, the panic, the paranoia, the dreams, relentless dreams. Facts aren't enough, hearing isn't enough, seeing isn't enough, words aren't enough..maybe I am just not enough.
What was I suppose to think?
Do people really think I didn't know I was talked about?
Do they think I wouldn't know?
Do they think at all?
Am I really the only one that dwells on helping a family and LE find who did this?
Am I the only one with the unhealthy practice of taking on too much?
Am I supposed to honestly sit back and continue to "take one for the team"?
These questions await answers...and to the tune of crickets I wait.
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