Sunday, September 30, 2012


My mind has been on a spinning wheel for a while, it doesn't slow down much. Not most times. I always been a rapid thinker. I don't like that really not much at all.

I feel like it pushes people away from me. I mean, I am able to come to idea and conclusion so much quicker than most people. Eventually you can tell what other people feel before they even speak to you. I often don't know why I ask people how they feel about something when I already know what they are going to say.

My whole life is like that vivid dream that you have of something happening and you wake up go on about your day and what you dreamed actually happens or comes true. Too many times has it come true for me, that people wonder why I am so inclined to follow what I believe. Naturally, I have more faith in my intuitions that most do, that part is understandable. But to repeatedly see the same dream come true, eventually, despite the fact that others refuse to KNOW it is going to come true, you just can't pin point it to a specific day. If we could, we could stop murderers before they happened..theives before they steal..liars before they lie...betrayars from betraying.

I have the power to channel, most don't know what that is, most see it as a curse, I have often times thought the same. Most don't even know what kind of power that can hold, and how exhausting it can be. Most have so many misconceptions regarding the issue. Most wouldn't have a clue about how to handle such things. I didn't either honestly. Unfortunately I don't get that choice.

I'm not special, I'm about sick and tired of being special. My kind of special..really isn't special, its a nuisance..for them and for me. I can feel so alone in my own world/environment sometimes, and its phenomenally amazing how I can read or hear someone say " I'm here for you"...and instantly know whether it is genuine, or passive.

Ive detached alot here recently, as I've spent two weeks seriously sick and one week battling my illness in such a way that my previous post truly peaked a pivotal moment in my state of psychosis..
Embarassing, you better believe it! I had to go back over several emails, and several texts to figure out what the heck went wrong and how many I affected. I didn't feel it coming on, as usual, but I did see I targeted someone.

Most of us that have psychosis, as a part of our illnesses, when we aren't doing so well, whatever is hurting us at the time, becomes our target. A target is the point of breaking and inevitably becomes the basis of our obsession at that point in time.

For example, for is religion, music, someone in the family, someone we may feel threatened by, or whatever emotions they were trying to deal with before breaking point. It goes from normal conversation, to complete reality loss. If it is scary for you...imagine how it must be for us. Not to mention we have to deal with later realizing just how bad it was.

I have an illness folks. Its not a pretty one, I tell the officers I speak to all the time, about these things. I leave nothing out, the raw detail placed right before them, to include things like this. I have had to learn to be honest and most people can't handle that..those that can, are true treasures to have..

Ive discovered that the target I unfortunately picked in my episode, apparently was honestly no true friend...not that he wasn't a friend...just not a true friend. This was his choice. Looking back over everything, I was truly not within reality, and people probably had every right to pick up the phone to my doctor and have a word or two with him. My husband helped bring me back out of it, though it took a good bit of sleep/resting. I literally became afraid to move out of my bed for atleast two days.
I texted friends that had time to respond.

Inevitably, my mission is to survive this hell, being as positive a person as I can be, with or without my targets help. I do suppose he lives a hell all his own. I have no right to judge his hell, but only to survive my own.

Ive been detached too much here lately, but purposefully so. I am withdrawn, but purposefully so.

I just don't want to be special...a channeler...I feel like I need to be out of the way..I very few friends that I can count on one hand that are my true friends aside from family...that have been loyal to me for years. I think I will stick with them.

I will not post anymore to fb other than to share a inspirational picture here or there. Its there, and it can sit there. Other than that I have no use for it.

I will post here. Since only my one friend follows me and understands me...I always, ALWAYS, love her advice, whether I want to hear it or not, she is ALWAYS real with me, she knows when I am well, when I'm not well, she makes time for me, she listens to me, she HEARS me. Many times was there when no one else was, more times than I can count. This was never TEMPORARY helping to her, she took me on as a friend and family, because she authentically and genuinely cared.

Some may shake their head...sigh..maybe even giggle...thinking or uttering...calling her nothing more than a that I say, FUCK YOU! Take a seat... watch... and learn bitch, cause that right there, is a REAL friend!

Yeah, those are my thoughts at this moment, people take others for granted..they just shouldn't. My target is gone now. And I don't miss him. I'm doing pretty good without him.

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