Sunday, February 5, 2012

The Time

Well, the time is coming, tomorrow I begin my CIT training. I am nervous because I will have to work up close and personal with officers of the law, both county and city from various jurisdictions. As well as other mental health workers.

I will be having a look into what it is like for them. I will learn the various things they have been through with the mentally ill. I will have to see just how "human" they really are. Likewise, they will have to see the same with me. I know I am not guarded. I know I will be talking to some that may likely always see the mentally ill (me) as just another "wacko", or "nut job" will linger in my mind, are they just listening, or are they truly hearing me? Are they just walking through these steps because they "have" too, or because they want too?
And of course, the last question...Am I doing this all for nothing?

It is like walking into a bees nest for me, it isn't a question of if I will get stung, it is a matter of how many times?

I know why I am there. I know what I need to do.

Tomorrow will be quite the test, because not only am I to go in there an participate with everyone else as a unit, but I also near the end of the day, have to stand up and tell my story to all my classmates. This won't be easy because it can set me up for what to expect out of them the rest of the week. This will make the either/or moment. I will either be accepted, or shunned. I really am hoping for the accepted part.

One of the biggest problems the mentally ill face, especially with law enforcement, is being judged. We have come to expect that from them. It is basically the same stereotyping they do to us. I hope for that to end one day as well. It is like reverse racism, racism, only creates more racism, that logic follows anything hateful/hurtful. If it is wrong for one side, it is wrong for all.

Maybe this is why I find it so difficult to choose sides...because I see both the best and worst of both. And I have found it to be unproductive to choose sides. I see the bigger picture with most everything, sometimes instantly. Before anyone else gets too. It tends to come with the territory of being a person who lives between both lines everyday.

I want to be helpful to them, not a hinderance. I want to pass this class, I want to show to them it is meant to be..that we just needed to work together.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

C.I.T. Classes

I found out yesterday that I will be participating in C.I.T. classes beginning next week. I am pretty excited to do this. I had been only participating on the level of going and telling my story to Law Enforcement, Fire, and Rescue, and various other Court Service Representatives, and Mental Health Services/Advocates. But it was decided that I was able to actually take the classes, becoming officially certified, by training, through the C.I.T internship which will be a vigorous 40 hour class starting next week. I think it is pretty awesome I have come so far in my recovery that I am deemed capable of handling the course.

This probably won't be a very easy task for me particularly, as I learn differently but I am willing to give it my best shot, personally its the legal stuff that will probably set me back a bit. I will get a close up view of how things are handled on the legal end.

It will feel awkward in a sense though, that I will come to know, procedures of how I were to be handled should I relapse, right within my own community. The tricks of the trade so to speak. I say awkward because, in the event I relapse, I don't know if this training would be a good thing or a bad thing, as it could go either way. I am wishing for the positive side and they would help me remember and use it as a DBT type of help for me. I don't want this class to be something I think about when I'm not well and they regret having allowed me the opportunity to participate in this. I do feel comfortable learning it, and I do feel the need to be responsible with the knowledge I will gain from it.

Funny thing is, what am I gonna do with it once I learn it? It will be nice to have, nice to be certified, but it will make me feel like I need to use it in some way. Its like training or having training for a particular job field but yet you aren't going to work in the job your training for..haha. It is peculiar, but oh well, I'm game.

I do wonder also, am I going to be the first multi diagnosed severely mentally ill patient with this type of extensive training in Crisis Intervention? If not, then good, if so, that it is just spectacular, it truly means a change in the right direction as far as bringing down stereotyping and stigma. One of the things I have fought so hard for. I feel like I have made so many accomplishments, and even though I haven't exactly completed this one just yet, I look over everything that I have accomplished and I am literally floored. I am not sure whether it is my free spirit and fight, or if it is simply dumb luck, but whatever it is, I will take it!! :)