Sunday, February 5, 2012

The Time

Well, the time is coming, tomorrow I begin my CIT training. I am nervous because I will have to work up close and personal with officers of the law, both county and city from various jurisdictions. As well as other mental health workers.

I will be having a look into what it is like for them. I will learn the various things they have been through with the mentally ill. I will have to see just how "human" they really are. Likewise, they will have to see the same with me. I know I am not guarded. I know I will be talking to some that may likely always see the mentally ill (me) as just another "wacko", or "nut job"...it will linger in my mind, are they just listening, or are they truly hearing me? Are they just walking through these steps because they "have" too, or because they want too?
And of course, the last question...Am I doing this all for nothing?

It is like walking into a bees nest for me, it isn't a question of if I will get stung, it is a matter of how many times?

I know why I am there. I know what I need to do.

Tomorrow will be quite the test, because not only am I to go in there an participate with everyone else as a unit, but I also near the end of the day, have to stand up and tell my story to all my classmates. This won't be easy because it can set me up for what to expect out of them the rest of the week. This will make the either/or moment. I will either be accepted, or shunned. I really am hoping for the accepted part.

One of the biggest problems the mentally ill face, especially with law enforcement, is being judged. We have come to expect that from them. It is basically the same stereotyping they do to us. I hope for that to end one day as well. It is like reverse racism, racism, only creates more racism, that logic follows anything hateful/hurtful. If it is wrong for one side, it is wrong for all.

Maybe this is why I find it so difficult to choose sides...because I see both the best and worst of both. And I have found it to be unproductive to choose sides. I see the bigger picture with most everything, sometimes instantly. Before anyone else gets too. It tends to come with the territory of being a person who lives between both lines everyday.

I want to be helpful to them, not a hinderance. I want to pass this class, I want to show to them it is meant to be..that we just needed to work together.

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