Monday, January 30, 2012

Prescriptions and Procedures

OMG!! If I have to take another stinkin pill in a days time, I'm gonna explode..haha.

In prescription, I take 7.5 pills a day, in Supplemental, I take 25 pills a day. Overall, I'm taking 32.5 pills a day...that's crazy!

I wrote a poem years ago, called Pills of Illusion, I had written it based on being angry, because I had finally seen what all this medicine was...superficial. It was probably the moment I had to contend with that opened my eyes to the fact that there truly was no cure for this.These meds, they are nothing more than a band aid, a maintenance for a medical/mental condition that will never have a cure. That reality, totally sucks.

I actually took some big risks, I mean pretty bad risks...I had gotten fed up...decided I was going to take the bull by the horns, and in my rough and tough, don't mess with this nature...I stopped them all! I gave them up, I was cured!! Or so I thought, haha. Whooohooo! I was strollin along, thinkin, "I got this boys"!! Oh wow, was I soo soo very wrong. I made it, for like a year and a half...that would be right about the time I got tested, wow a months worth of vigorous testings...I recall I had the attitude of.."nah nah nah nah, can't touch this!" Well folks, that totally backfired on me.

I had originally went to this neuropsychologist to prove just how much there WASN'T wrong with me..that all these years them docs were lying about me. I mean seriously, they had me diagnosed with just about everything out there to include schitzoaffective disorder, and so very many others. Even had me on just about every single med out there, and was about to at last resort, put me on chlozaril, and for anyone who knows what medicine that is, it literally destroys your immune system, it could kill you. You so much as catch a cold while taking that stuff and boom, your down, and likely might not survive.

Well, come to find out I was right...and quite wrong at the same time. At the point after testings, and referred to the current psychiatrist, I was told, I was literally a genuine walking ticking time bomb. Wasn't exactly the best news of the year as I had been in denial for quite some time and believed that I had not a thing wrong with me, I figured, I look normal, I act normal (most of the time)...so it was a bit depressing to be proven wrong. I did however learn, that schitzoaffective disorder, is a diagnosis often given, when they just can't figure out what the hell is wrong with ya...sweeeet! Well that certainly did explain the long list of diagnosis I had then. That part initially, wasn't too bad to hear, because atleast that meant I was on the right road to figure out what truly was wrong, get the right answers finally to get the right meds and no longer put up with the hell I had been through, being thrown in this facility and that facility, being given this med, going through this adverse side effect, and that one, and this allergic reaction...the worst by far was the anaphylaxis, that totally was not cool!

I wasn't however prepared to hear that I truly was bipolar, I really wanted to let that one go too. The others, like the panic and anxiety, yes, I could accept that, my car accident, and PTSD, all that was pretty explainable...the ADD certainly threw me for a loop, but I could see how it wouldn't be that far fetched, now the other two...the Visual Perception Disorder, and the Dissociative Disorder...those two, I hadn't even heard of, while it explained alot, I kind of wanted to push those away. Nothing can be done at all for the visual perception disorder because it basically means, I am both right and left brain dominant, the problem with this is that it generally is diagnosed as a child, and I believe I was diagnosed with it at age 35. Was far too late for correction as it is a learning issue...it means, I would have to relearn everything I ever have to conform with the same way others learn, basically, impossible, I have adapted in my own ways. I had too. Most don't understand this condition because it is so rare. I am able to learn both ways, by sight and audio/verbal, however, I am not able to learn with the two together. I can listen and learn, I can see and learn, but I cannot learn by both hearing and seeing. One side of the brain sends off these little electrical signals for hearing, the other side for visual...being I am both left and right brain dominant, when I hear and see at the same time, they fire off at the same time, one gets cut out, which means I cannot react the same. I can hardly watch someone who talks and moves their hands at the same time..I can do the same thing..talk with my hands...as they call it...but I cannot watch someone else do that....this causes me problems in my karate...because I literally have to focus on one or the other. I will often have problems performing my kata's because music is playing, unless I can tone it out. Lastly dissociative disorder...this had become an issue when I started relapsing, I'd been through some horrific hospital visits which resulted in traumatic situations, which indeed resulted in dissociations, it is a defense mechanism, that my brain seems to feel is necessary to "escape reality" of what is happening...these are no fun people...they have actually resulted in some dangerous things. Such as being behind the wheel of a vehicle and driving to Lord knows where, getting there, feeling lost, scared and not knowing how to get back home. I've experienced these for so long now, that they tend to switch on and off at will, even when there is nothing wrong. I am quite capable of being one of those individuals you would hear of on the news that ends up in Alaska not knowing how she got there, it's very scary. While I have to take medicine to get through these episodes, and depending for how long these episodes are going on, once we are down to the point of lesser episodes, such as for expample...like less than 2 in six months, then I am allowed off of those meds. And if you don't think they are real, I have some friends that will gladly prove otherwise, as well as doctors. I actually bring it up at most of my CIT meetings I speak at because, it is not discussed much as something law enforcment officers do actually face out there. You take them on as you would a sleep walker, you don't yell, you guide, takes alot of patience. We are often able to go on, and physically function, like, drive a car, perform karate, have a full conversation even, but probably will stop talking in mid conversation, its like being on autopilot, and the only remedy that I have been told by my doctors is to shut down, instantly, just as if you are rebooting your computer, a strong fast sedative. Basically enough tranquilization to shut down a mule. I despise these episodes, you often don't remember what happened, you don't know where you are until you come out of one. Sometimes you can remember bits and pieces but it is almost always in a dream like fashion. I recall once I was in a hospital, I apparently became quite combative, wasn't too pretty from my understandings, they were attempting to restrain me to a chair, a rather big nurse was tending to my feet, to attach them to a chair, I apparently lifted my foot and kicked her square in the chest, dropped her to the floor...I never knew I never even knew I did that, I found out a year later, she told me herself. I felt horrible, I'm not the least bit of a mean, vicious, or violent person! I apologized all over myself, I was in total disbelief that I was even capable of such a thing. To this day, I couldn't imagine doing that to someone that wasn't outright attacking me. I'd been accused of kicking a police officer square in the "you know where's", and lifting a 300+ lb man up off the floor with my legs. I was told I broke a nurse's aides finger, and sure enough, he was wearing a splint on it, none of these things I remember, none of them, I was told after the fact. These were dissociations.

Anyway, although I resent having to take medicines, I do understand why it is necessary, I don't want to be someone who hurts people, I want to be someone who will use my strength for good not bad. I want to have self control in any state of mind. I didn't do all that research on my conditions for nothing, I did it to learn more about them, to learn what I needed to do to help myself, and keep from doing that to people the best I could. I believe with all my heart I am a very good person, I want to stay that way, I don't like it when I am not well and unpredictable, believe it or not, it scares me just as much as it scares everyone around me.

So I suppose I will stick to my 32.5 meds a day for now..haha!

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